I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We met when I was 19 and he was 22. I am now 24 and he is 27. We also have a mortgage together. We are going away on holiday in a few weeks and he said he was going to make a ‘nice gesture’. I had no idea what this gesture was going to be until he started asking about what type of ring is my style and the what I thought was a reasonable price for an engagement ring.
We also went out with friends a couple of weeks ago and one of his friends recently got engaged. We were all asking them if they had got a venue booked yet. We talked for around 5 minutes when the groom to be asked myself and my partner when we’re getting engaged. I just said well when he asks me and moved on. I did hear my boyfriend say under his breath to his mates “I’ll tell you in a minute”. After he said that I got quite excited. I thought that he may be planning to propose on our upcoming holiday.
A week after this, I brought up about this ‘nice gesture’ he had talked about. He then said, I think I should just tell you. I did think this was a bit strange if he was planning to propose but, I said okay. He then said he was thinking about getting me a promise ring. I couldn’t help but give a slight laugh and then asked he if was being serious. He was deadly serious.
We’ve been through a lot this year and I just thought it would have been the time ☹️
I did also say to him that I didn’t want one (he hadn’t bought one yet) as I thought a promise ring was a bit childish considering our age. I just remember when I was in high school and all the boys were giving their girlfriends promise rings. I just feels very juvenile to me.
I feel quite disheartened. Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
TL;DR – I suspected a proposal but instead he offered me a promise ring. I’m gutted.
31 comments
Why are you asking us what HIS intentions are? We can’t read minds.
What is he “promising” after 5 years and a mortgage? If you want to get married, maybe have that conversation sooner rather than later.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
You have to ask him. If you can’t just talk to him about this and have an open, honest conversation, you’re not ready to get married anyway. Yes a promise ring is a bit childish – promising what, exactly? “Marriage someday?” That’s what teenagers do and even then it’s a bit daft.
If he’s not ready to propose, doesn’t want to get married, etc., that’s his prerogative, have that conversation. But it’s pointless to harbour resentment over something that for all you know you’re actually on very different pages about, because you’ve not had a proper conversation about it! You’re not wrong to be disappointed by his “nice gesture”, but if you’re thinking engagement and marriage and he…isn’t, he’s not “wrong” either. Plenty of people just don’t want to get married, for whatever reason. You’ve made a lot of assumptions, not unreasonably, but they’re still assumptions. You need to discuss it with him and both be honest with each other about what you want.
I’ve never known anyone who got a promise ring to get married. It’s such a thing to do when you’re a teenager, but when you’re an adult its very lame. “I promise someday we’ll get engaged when we’re old enough” doesn’t sound the same when you’re in your upper 20s
A promise ring, what is he, 14? I think after 5 years and a mortgage he can do better than a promise about a promise, like setting a time line or something.
>We’ve been through a lot this year
That’s no reason to get engaged though. Have these things been fixed?
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
That’s something you need to ask him, not us. We can only speculate.
You want to get married to someone but seem unwilling to communicate your needs to him. How do you think you can sustain a long lasting, happy marriage with someone you can’t talk to about something this serious?
I’d be disappointed too. The intention was nice but save that money for a proper engagement ring. If it was me, I would have literally told him that and made it obvious I will wait for the real thing.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
Because he doesn’t want to marry you.
The “promise ring” is his idea for shutting down your desire for deeper commitment without losing access to the financial, social, domestic, emotional and sexual perks you provide.
Promise rings are still a thing? Is it 2002?
I’m just wondering why he’s dragging his feet? A promise ring is to buy time. Why doesn’t he want to get engaged? I feel like that might be a conversation to have with him. I definitely would have had that conversation before getting a mortgage with him.
A mortgage isn’t too much of a commitment, yet a ring and marriage is too much?
He is happy to engage is future planning in ways that benefit him aka a split mortgage. The things he wants, he goes out and gets, but the things that you pretty clearly want he’s happy to promise.
You’re both young, and only you know when these promises began. However, you’re also the only person who can determine the validity of those promises. You know him better than any person on the Internet could claim too, so you have to trust your gut when you think about and consider if he really is going to marry you and moreover, if you’re willing to wait around for him to decide to.
A promise ring at the age of 27 is so cringe, I’m glad you rejected it lol
I think that’s a normal response to being offered a promise ring at your age.
I’m sorry but he’s the only one who knows why he didn’t propose. r/waiting_to_Wed may have some helpful tips on how to broach the subject there.
I think it’s time you guys sat down and had a serious conversation about marriage. I suspect there is something that’s keeping him from popping the actual question whether it be money or fear.
A promise ring? What on earth is that? A promise that he’s scared of commitment? I would have asked for the engagement ring before entering a mortgage with the guy. Wear the ring on a chain and around your neck. If he wants to see a ring on your finger he better step up and get you the real deal
I wonder if he can’t afford the kind of engagement ring he wants yet so he’s offering a promise ring in place? That’s the only thing that makes sense in my head for promise rings beyond the teenage years
The very idea of a promise ring for people who already share a mortgage is beyond laughable. It’s absolute nonsense. Where on earth did he get the idea that high school games would be a good idea here???
Promise rings are for children. You have a mortgage. What the fuck is he thinking? (Other than “I don’t really want to marry her, but want to keep her around for a while.”)
Was it with a ring pop? This is childish af. Even his behavior is a little childish- with the whole “hehe I have a surprise…” after yalls friend got engaged. He did all that just for a promise ring.
What others are saying is possible… but also, are you sure he didn’t say that just to throw you off the scent, so the proposal will actually be a surprise? Like, he’s planning to propose and still is, but told you that so you don’t expect it when he does?
It blows my mind that people have mortgages and babies together but think marriage is too much commitment.
Out of the three a marriage is easiest to dissolve. A child is probably easier to abandon than a mortgage.
>Any advice on why he didn’t just propose?
Because he doesn’t want to marry you but wants to keep you around.
NTA.
Tell him promise rings are for teenagers and fundie Christians.
Either your bf is super immature, or he really doesn’t want to marry you. Frankly at this point I’d have some serious conversations with deadlines or I’d start making moves to leave.
Reason #368 why you never get a mortgage with anything but a spouse unless it’s for a business/flip.
Is he….confused?? Possibly?
Does he think it’s the same as an engagement ring?
You have to ask him directly- he’s 27 and you’re 24. A promise ring doesn’t actually suit your circumstances or stage in life. Why is it this and not an engagement?? Just ask.
5 yrs and he’s only just thinking of a promise ring? Sorry to say but this guy is never going to marry you. Promise ring is even worse than those guys that propose then never actually plan a wedding and just keep a ‘fiance’ for 10+ yrs, and the woman wasted her best yrs waiting for the wedding. You’re mid-twentys, have been with this guy half a decade – and you’re waiting for… A promise ring.
Leave. Don’t waste your best years on a stagnant deadend
If you live with a man, share a mortgage and year five he’s talking about a promise ring, he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s done all the test driving he’ll ever need to do. This is a no.
At best, you’ll badger him for several more years until he’s having anxiety attacks on anniversaries from your expectation of a proposal and maybe one day you’ll wear him down, then you’ll end up as one of those brides on TikTok bleeding from the forehead cause the groom smashed the wedding cake into your face with the aggression of a boxer to hide his bitterness over being forced into this.
Ya’ll need to have a real talk about why he doesn’t want to marry you and then put your house on the market. It’s over.
Because you are dating a 17 year-old. I’d bail.
I would be very hurt to receive a promise ring in that length of a relationship and considering both of your ages. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me ngl.
He’s not going to marry you, sis. He got you a “shut up ring”. I’m sorry but it was a little naive to buy a house with him without getting married.
Because he is never, *ever* going to marry you. if you want to be married, starting working on extricating yourself from this relationship.
Have you actually had a conversation about what your expectation are re: marriage, kids etC?
Guys don’t propose if they are not in love or if they think they can do better.
Sorry to be so harsh but I’m trying to keep it real.
I’m always shocked how many women wait around for years, makes no sense to me. Unless they need the guy for money or something.
That’s not a promise ring, that’s a shut up ring. He doesn’t want to get married but is too comfortable to break up too.