My inlaws are coming to visit in November and they always make comments about how I parent and how they believe I should be parenting. The comments are honestly offensive and borderline delulu. How do I tell them that I don’t want their advice without being rude?
Some examples for context, if needed:
-Open defiance needs be punished with a swat to the butt, but not with your hand or else your kids will not like you.
-My kids (4F and 2F) should not have snacks (even tho my ped recommends they do and I’ve told them that.)
-My 4yo is “perfectly normal” and just needs more discipline (aka punishment) definitely does not have the ADHD and SPD she has been diagnosed with (even tho I have a genetic condition I likely passed into her where those are common comorbidities)
-Any kind of screen time is going to fry their brain
-there is something wrong with my 4yo because she doesn’t like to cuddle.
These are just some recurring comments. Any advice is appreciated 🤗
11 comments
Say oh interesting then ignore them
You don’t have to set boundaries or do anything. just because another human being offers an opinion doesn’t require you to take it , agree, disagree or do anything at all. Stop getting offended or defensive and just ignore old people advice
I wouldn’t give them any babysitting duties if they think your kids should be hit and not fed snacks. There’s no polite way to say fuck off with your opinions so I’d just ignore it or have a canned response like “that’s not how we’re choosing to raise our children but thank you for your opinion.” If you just say the same reply over and over it makes it easier to ignore them.
This may not be as polite as you’re hoping (it feels very polite for me but with the above comments I’m the one who’d come out swinging about how wrong they are lol) but you could also say something along the lines of “people have learned a lot about child rearing since you were raising children and we’ll be following current recommendations for what’s in our child’s best interest.” When they try to argue about kids being soft, blah blah blah, refer to my first statement in paragraph one to shut them down lol
Cut down their visit time or have them stay in a hotel
Have you tried sarcasm/being passive-aggressive? It sounds like you’re not a huge fan of full-on aggressive mode, and being passive isn’t working. So, what about things like…
* “Thank you ever so much for that very useful advice.” *Proceeds to do what you were previously doing.*
* “That’s great to hear, thanks.” *Proceeds to do what you were previously doing.*
* “Yeah, sure, whatever.”
Etc. Keep responding like that every time they make those comments. The passive-aggressiveness will eventually force them to go down one of two roads: They’ll either get the hint and knock it off and grumble about it to themselves, or they’ll escalate and get outwardly upset.
If they continue grumbling, you can continue the passive-aggressiveness until they eventually fully knock it off and learn not to piss you off. And if they get outwardly upset, you can respond in kind: “I’m a parent, and I’m going to parent my kids how I want to parent them. You had your chance. This is mine. Stop trying to control my decisions. I am an adult, and as much as you think you know what’s best, I have my own ideas on what’s best and I’m going to raise my own goddamn children. Knock it off.”
If they continue being annoying, say the shpiel again, except this time with a consequence: “If you do this one more time, <XYZ> is going to happen. I’ve reached the end of my tether here.” And follow through on that consequence. XYZ can be they have to leave the house effective immediately, they will not be allowed back for visits until they stop, you won’t come to family events until they promise to stop, etc. If you don’t want to go nuclear on stuff like that, pick smaller things. Only you know their specific pressure points that will get them off your back without ruining the relationship.
“huh.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll think about that.”
“I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m going to follow the pediatrician’s advice.”
On the other hand, maybe it’s worth being a little rude if your inlaws are advocating for hitting your children and depriving them of food. I’d go with things like,
“Well, things have changed since you raised your son, and that’s no longer best practice.”
“I’m not doing that, thanks for understanding.”
“My child has been tested extensively by her doctors and I’m going to follow their advice.”
“I’m not hitting my children and we’re not discussing this again.”
“I’m not really looking for unsolicited advice right now regarding my parenting”
Since reacting defensively hasn’t worked so far, I’d personally choose a short talk over the phone before they visit.
Tell them that you like to have them visit but you would kindly like to ask them to dial back on their parenting advice. You understand that parents have different approaches and you respect that they have their opinion on things, and you’d like for them to respect your take on it, too.
Anyway that’s how I deal with difficult family members. Be really polite and affirming of their ideas AND my ideas AND then draw the boundary.
It’s always the scheme of “I understand you like doing X and I respect that, and I like doing Y. I would like you to respect that.”
In difficult people, it can help to show that you want them to respect you but you’d do the same for them. That way it feels fair to them. (Because it is, too. You don’t lecture them, either, and you don’t want them to lecture you.)
When step 1) being defensive, step 2) being kind and direct doesn’t help, you can escalate to step 3) being very direct. That’s always the 3 steps I follow with difficult people.
I first try to draw boundaries the usual, common way. If I deal with an obstinate boundary-overstepping person, I will lay out the boundary in a very clear but still very friendly way. If THAT doesn’t work well you get complete directness without me trying to coddle you, including a very firm voice.
I’m pretty direct – you obviously feel comfortable offering your unsolicited advice regarding our parenting style/techniques, however, you’re woefully ignorant that all of your previous suggestions were not taken as this one won’t be either. You can keep wasting your breath and make it harder for us to invite you to stay in our home or you can start accepting our responsibility to the children and becoming a welcomed part of this family, and that decision is solely yours.
Just laugh and say “when she turns into a serial killer you can say ‘i told you so.'”
Tell them you don’t want their advice. If they keep going, swat their butts.