I’ll try to break this huge mess down.. So I (f, 24) broke up with my bf (m, 25) last October after a 4y relationship because I realized the last half year that I lost my feelings for him and had problems seeing a future together that fulfilled my dreams and I just wasn’t happy.. then I met a guy who I had a major crush on, long story short: it opened my eyes that I should break up my relationship, this new guy is perfect but I never cheated with him. I wasn’t sure if I can give up a 4y relationship for someone I just met so I talked with my best friend (f, 28) a lot about everything (we generally told eachother everything, I trusted her completely). In that time she told me her biggest secret she was keeping from everyone for months: she was having an affair with a guy whilst being in a ~6y relationship, doing very questionable things like sleeping with him in her and her then boyfriend’s bed and lying a lot to find excuses to meet him. I was shocked but acknowledged her messy feelings and was very confused feeling like I’m doing a very similar thing, so I couldn’t judge her. To clarify: I was just meeting this guy for 2 weeks and would have broken up sooner but my ex bf was just a about to write his most important exam so I tried not to ruin his focus and waited with breaking up until after his exams, but I also didn’t cheat in this time. So time passed by, my best friend broke up in December with her bf, who happens to be very close friends with my ex; we used to hang out as a group together often. I was there for her a lot during her breakup. Then it was end of January, my friend and I meet up, she suddenly told me, she is so sorry but she developed feelings for my ex-bf, but if I don’t want anything to happen she wouldn’t follow that. I was just very understanding because no one can decide what they’re feeling and I saw how they could match, they were friends before and I was very happy in my new relationship. But then 2 days later I found out, they were already hooking up for 2 weeks, so I also accepted that. But then after talking with my ex and me telling him it’s nicer if they would be honest, he told me that the whole thing already started mid December when my friend was still with her ex (this guy who is a close friend of my ex). Long story short: in the end, I found out that the whole thing already started mid November, so 6 weeks after my breakup, she lied to me a lot, even talked with me about my relationship and breakup about my ex whilst she was already doing it with him.. we were very close, so I even shared sexual stuff about him and she never stopped me. I feel very hurt and can’t trust her anymore and I got the feeling that the friendship is just not so important for her. This all was in Jan/Feb, then I asked for a break because I needed to focus on a very important exam and told her that we can talk afterwards. She texted me once after the exam now and I agreed to meet up but then she never replied to that. This was 2 weeks ago. The awkward thing is that we go to the same orchestra which started last Monday and we just didn’t talk at all and she didn’t text me afterwards. I’m now thinking if I should text her, because she owes me an apology. I also know that I should never be friends with her again because I can’t trust her anymore. The most hurtful thing was not her hooking up with my ex (this would be okay for me) but all the lies, and there were a lot, too many to list them here. But I also miss her a lot, she was my closest ever friend and we had so much fun together.. is there any hope for the friendship?
10 comments
Honestly y’all are both shady, like the way you left your last boyfriend was very sus even if you truly didn’t fuck the other guy first (which again, i wouldn’t be surprised if you fudged that timeline, most ppl do). He definitely doesn’t owe you anything, the question is what your friend does. And obviously she’s a pretty shady person too. None of this should be a surprise and it just comes along with chaotic (and shady) young dating.
You either accept the fact that you’re drawn to each other in part bc of this “oh wow i am not a bad person, but passion just pulls me to do these things” type feelings and see if you can establish better boundaries. Otherwise just find better friends?
Just avoid the whole sh*t show because that relationship will not last. I would be ready for when ex asks if she has cheated before. Why would you want a relationship with person who is deceptive to not just you but her romantic partners. You really can’t trust her
You were already actively seeing your new guy for two weeks before you broke up, so you did cheat as well, even if it wasn’t sexual. Your friend cheated on her ex with at least two people including your ex while you were still dating. Neither of you sound like particularly trustworthy people, and frankly the only way any of you is going to start behaving like decent people is to separate yourselves from each other. Don’t feed into more drama by demanding an apology, just walk away.
Edited to reflect that your ex did not cheat. Misread to post and thought he and your friend had started seeing each other 6 weeks before the breakup when really it was 6 weeks after. At which point you had already been seeing your new guy for about two months, including the 2 weeks you were dating him while still in a relationship with your ex. My apologies to your ex, you and your friend are the only cheaters.
Don’t interact with her
Please!! Paragraphs.
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Edited to add: You have all the right to feel hurt because of the way both of them treated you. The least she could do is to apologize to you for lying. But you can’t “extract” an apology from her. She needs to be ready to apologize otherwise it’d just be a fake apology.
In any case, both of them, are not fit to be good friend for you. So, it’s best if you reduce any contact with them significantly. If they start bad mouthing you, then feel free to let people know about the real situation so that people will know who they really are.
“The pit calling the kettle black” would be the saying I’d use here…
You both do shady things… You assume hers is worse because of how far she went, and you with your excuses… But then you feel betrayed by the person who was cheating on her ex… Because OBVIOUSLY she’d NEVER do that to YOU, right? Thats what we are really getting, right? You’re upset she did it to YOU…
That bed you made feels lumpy now… Doesn’t it. Take her back or not, not sure how you could be angry that she is doing exactly what she always does… And you have a new bf, so take it or leave it… Birds of a feather… Yadda yadda
she is quite a piece of work
you can’t choose your family but your friends you can
choose wisely
You’re both cheaters. What did you expect?
You got exactly what you deserve and now you are bitter about it.
I honestly don’t get you categorizing what she did as lying and betraying. A bit of a lie by omission sure. A betrayal? If you feel it in those terms, then walk away.
Tldr