Eight months ago, I stopped working to stay home with my kids. We are in the fortunate position that I can also still have help (nanny 15-20 hrs/week and a weekly housekeeper). My in-laws were not very supportive, particularly my MIL who made some judgmental comments over the course of several weeks that I would be doing nothing with my time and how women should work (she was a lawyer and never stayed home with the kids). I told my husband it hurt my feelings, he talked to his dad who was very apologetic, and we went to their house to reconcile.
Well, we arrived and it ended up being an ambush. They unloaded other grievances, like a time where they had to wait 30 mins for me to get ready, that I share important things on Instagram before telling them first, and also how dare I think that my MIL’s comments were anything other than playful.
I was shocked. I thought our relationship for the past decade had been pretty good, but I realized in that two hour session that they kinda don’t like or respect me. I cried, I shot back, and we all walked away unresolved. I have been cordial with them since and they have been apologetic.
I have generally been avoiding them for the past eight months, though I did host them for Thanksgiving, school Christmas pageant, went to their house for Christmas Eve and Day, the Superbowl, hosted them for two hours when they randomly popped by, and went over for brunch once. I also invited them to my baby shower, though they didn’t come, which was surprising but whatever. My husband also takes them over there some Saturday mornings with the kids, without me so I can sleep in.
The problem is, they don’t like the current state of affairs and are complaining to my husband about it. They want to see us more, and are mad we didn’t spend Easter and one of the kid’s birthdays with them. They moved states to be near us in their retirement, a year ago, and are expecting more because of that.
I feel like before this fight, I gave them exactly what they were expecting — tons of time and attention — and what I got was judgment and conflict. So now I am pulling back and I want to spend more time with my own extended family and also with my nuclear family alone. In short, I want to spend less time with them. It’s already hard enough to swallow when my husband and kids spend time with them (without me) because I just cringe at them in my life.
I want to be reasonable but I don’t know what to do. My in-laws and my husband want things to go back to how they were. I don’t and don’t know if I could ever fully trust them again. What do I do?
TL;DR – I had a conflict with my in-laws and don’t know how to move forward. Do I forgive, forget, and go back, or try to reinforce new dynamic?
11 comments
Tell your husband exactly what you wrote here.
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i mean…what do you do? you have a nanny, a housekeeper-most sahms are full time homemakers and parents, without help. so them maybe wanting you to get a job, or a side hustle, or even go on outings with them with all the free time you have is definitely reasonable.
>Well, we arrived and it ended up being an ambush
Your husband should not have let you walk into this unprepared and even if he was equally surprised, he should have put a stop to it immediately. He should always have your back and vice-versa
It’s none of MIL’s business how you spend your time and it’s rude of her to comment on that, the fact that you have a housekeeper and a nanny has absolutely no bearing on that. You could be twiddling your thumbs all day and she still wouldn’t have a right to say that to you, you’re not married to her. She actively harmed your relationship by saying that to you and further harmed it by listing her grievances. Did they genuinely apologize? And what does ‘go back to way things were’ mean, exactly? How much time were you guys spending with them?
I had a MIL like this. On one visit she brought a new “cushioned” toilet seat with her and immediately upon walking in the door, demanded I install it right that moment. We had just replaced the old cushioned seat cover with a hard plastic style because the other kind tears up too fast.. Pets and kids kill those pretty fast. I sat it to the side, she picked it up and installed it herself. When she left I swapped them and threw hers away. (This was the last of many many straws) After that I got much more forceful with boundaries around her and was very direct with things, I also made sure myself and my family avoided her as much as possible. She can be truly hateful.
Yours may not be to this extreme, but she still sounds like a monster-in-law. It’s ok to be direct and tell them straight up – I don’t like spending time here because you guys ambushed me previously and it will likely take YEARS to get over that. That timeframe belongs entirely to you. 16 years later and I still hold MIL at a very far distance just like you. The work to rebuild the trust and relationship lies with them.
Them continuing to complain about you to your husband is not helping their case. It’s hard to forget something like that when you have to keep reliving it.
Current state. I see MIL maybe 3-5 times per year. And it’s wonderful. We never get far beyond casual acquaintances which keeps her in a positive frame of mind. We all gather, share stories, take a few pictures, exchange gifts because it’s always a holiday or birthday.. Then we say goodbye for 3-4 months.
Edit – grammar
Step one…..your husband needs to tell them their opinions on the choices made in your marriage are not their business. He needs to shut that crap down with a quickness.
Step two…is what i did….I cut all communication with my MIL. My husband’s relationship with her is what ever he chooses and I support that, but I have the bare minimum interaction with her. I am respectful and pleasant when we need to be in the same room but I do that for my husband not her.
Who the heck let them think they had a right to speak to you like that?
Honestly this failure falls on your husband. He needed to sit both of them down, not just his father (who I would bet is easier to talk to) and set up boundaries for them. Instead he allowed you both ambushed with grievances they had with you because you dared to take issue with something they did. Unacceptable. What happens in your home is none of their business, none. Your husband failed back then. He needs to set the boundaries now. I would suggest you have a serious discussion with your spouse.
What is your husband doing about all of this other than shutting up and letting his parents attack you?
Fuck em. Tell your husband you see no reason to spend time with people who don’t respect you. Frankly I don’t know why your husband doesn’t see this already.
It is up to your husband to work this out with his folks. That is what a husband is supposed to do when it concerns his parents. If his folks can’t back the heck off they can enjoy seeing even less of you and the kids. Your husband must be steadfast with this. This is not your battle. It is your husbands. He needs to cut the apron strings. He needs to back you up 100 percent. Even if it causes to lose ties. Just the way it is.