Currently been with my gf for close to 6 years. We are both 30. I told her from the beginning i didnt want to get married and she said she didnt want kids. I was fine with this. Well last year my sister had a kid and now gf is more open to children. Except she will only do it if we are married or get married soon after. With life passing by fast i feel if we keep putting it off we may not have the chance to have kids. But im really not for marriage. How have things worked out for you?
32 comments
26 years with my girlfriend. We think we might make it as a couple.
She changed her mind about having kids because of your family, and wants to *with you*. It really hinges on whether you want kids with her too.
Funny. I felt the same, and my girlfriend just said: what’s the problem? If it doesn’t work out, we get a divorce – so what? She did that to me before, when she suggested we buy a house together, and I balked. What’s the problem? If we decide to split, we sell the house and make a profit.
We’re married for about 20 years now. Have two great kids. Still very happy. Can’t remember why I had a problem with getting married.
My partner and I have been together a few years now (both just over 30) and it’s great. I don’t know yet if this is a life-long relationship or just going to work for a little while longer, we still have some hurdles to sort out, but I don’t really want to get (legally) married or have children and that’s something we have in common.
I love the honesty in our relationship more than anything, and I think that’s helped a bit by us understanding that we’re not risking a divorce or impacting children if we have a fight or decide to break up. Because of that, we’re just very straight with each other about everything since we’re not as afraid of things ending. It would suck, and I’d personally be heartbroken, but it’s not as existential when you’re not ending a marriage.
Honestly if you’re going to have a kid you might as WELL get married because a kid is a much more binding legal and financial commitment.
If you both work, don’t own a lot of property and don’t have kids, divorce can be pretty simple. It’s custody/support etc that’s a bitch and you can’t avoid that by being unmarried. You actually have your rights as a dad protected better if you ARE married.
So if you don’t want kids (even if she does) don’t have kids, stay unmarried.
If you DO want kids, and she wants a ring in order to do all the heavy lifting as part of the deal, you might as well, she’s gonna get your stuff in the event of a breakup regardless.
I think the best marriages happen when the people involved actively discuss marriage, so my suggestion is you go talk to her about this. Sometimes you have to discuss the Big stuff.
I planned on staying unmarried.
6 years in my wife got down on one knee and here I am.
Well it all depends on if you want to have kids or not.
If you don’t and she does you might not be right for each other and should let her find someone else.
You have reached the point with her of basically “shit or get off the pot” if it’s been 6 years and now she’s communicating these things with you.
You just have to really REALLY self reflect and decide if that’s the life you want with her.
In her mind she has a biological stopwatch ticking away that many women feel as soon as they hit 30.
A pregnancy at age 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy and kind of high risk really.
Besides if you DO want kids you’re at a prime age instead of waiting another 5 years. Like do you really want to be 40+ with a kindergartener 😂
Long story short, my ex-gf didn’t want kids either, and as far as I understood didn’t want to get married, I honestly didn’t mind either way, after 15 years she decided we weren’t moving forward and wanted to separate… I ended up feeling she blamed all on me about not having married before, and I don’t even know anymore what to think, I guess it’s partly my fault?
So my advice is that you have to be sure what you really want and start from there.
My wife and I were both very anti-marriage, we both said “never” in the beginning and stuck to it. A couple years in I came around on the idea, so did she, but we didn’t see the benefit or the point. Later, I started worrying about stuff like health insurance and medical decisions and it was too much benefit to ignore. We both have awful families that if one of us died, would just show up and clean the place out and leave them with nothing, and I didn’t want them making decisions for me if something happened to me, or spending my life insurance on drugs. You can live an amazing life never getting married but my specific situation benefitted very much from it. I waited 10 years so I didn’t rush into this either.
Sometimes ‘Id never get married or have kids’ changes when you meet someone trustworthy, and it seems like that’s what happened to your girl.
Woman here so please ignore if you want… maybe ask her what about marriage she wants that she can’t get without it.
IMO it sounds like you have a solid relationship and are committed to each other so now it’s compromise time likely on both parts. But getting to the heart of the “want” is key.
Does she want a wedding?
Does she want to ensure stability and that you are here for long haul?
What is it about kids that requires marriage in her mind?
Get to know where she’s coming from. And if need be, go to counseling to help the discussion along.
Good luck!
We didn’t want kids and we didn’t want to get married. Well, I didn’t want to get married and she didn’t want kids. With time, she ended up wanting kids and I felt ready to marry her. It’s like, her or nobody at all.
So we got married and if kids happen, it will be good.
Been with my partner for almost 6 years plans were to be married and have a baby. Baby came along before the wedding, no regrets and can’t wait to give her my surname because hers is long AF
Genuine question here, why don’t you want to get married?
I was the same, but out of an atheist standpoint, coming from a religious background (in the 1980’s in Ireland it was sltill not illegal” to r*pe your wife), very disillusioned worth the whole thing and saw so many women and men suffer in unhappy and frequently abusive marriages. I also feel the the money spent on them is ridiculous.
…. however I’m beginning to change my mind and see potentially getting married as something for me and my partner.
I could do with some more reasons not to 😬😆
I was with a man for 9-10 years then a man for 6 years, thank god I didn’t marry either one. But if you are planning on kids then what the hell. Might as well marry her
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Been with my woman 17 years now. 8 of those we’ve been married. The sex has slowed down a lot since we now have 3 kinds under the age of 6. We had lots of fun when we were younger. I think it’s mostly all out of our system. We decided to settle down and start a fam. It’s been pretty sweet watching these little flesh monsters grow up. They drive me crazy but I love ‘em!
(USA)
Not getting married is fine, until you get older and realize there are a lot of inherent things/laws that only apply to married couples. And being unmarried leaves to more paperwork.
Example:
My close friends were unmarried from age 19-45. No kids, but both on title of the home. Their assets are shared.
In their 40s they went to an attorney to get some paperwork sorted out (ie – what happens if one of us dies, gets terminally ill, medical directives, etc)
The attorney said the easiest answer was to get married (and a pre-nup if they wanted to define their separation plans). So they got married (courthouse, literally filled out paperwork, no wedding) and set up a joint trust. They did recently buy rings.
But in the USA so many laws are piggybacked on top of marriage laws. That writing your own as unmarried couple is more expensive.
We were together for 9 years, two kids, split four years ago. After my second child was born, she grew unhappy and said she’d be happier apart. I offered to go to counseling, she wasn’t interested. I moved out that weekend. We coparent together. No drama.
At least she’s being honest, I’d say do some self reflection and see if you’d like the same thing as well .
Woman chiming in – I had an 8 year relationship but never got married. When he broke up with me, it was literally as simple as “I’m moving out, and we either sell the house or you buy me out”. Buying him out was actually the best financial decision I ever made 😀
I’m now married to an amazing man, and we have a son together. To me, getting married was just the joy of being able to stand in front of my friends and family saying “yes – this is the one.” Nothing changed in our relationship (having a child changed it much more than marriage), but there is something so satisfying about being able to introduce someone as “my husband” rather than my boyfriend. A kid is a far bigger commitment than marriage.
Do yall own property together? My wife and I lived together for 5 years without being married. We bought a house together that made us realize that we should be married so the house is protected in case one of us dies the other still has it. Plus health insurance, taxes, and other numerous benefits. So we went down to the courthouse and got the deed done.
I’m a woman, but my input is from my professional experience, not my personal one. If you want to have kids together, you should get married, because if the mother stays home with small children and something happens to the father, while they are unmarried, things tend to get really to go South for the family. Along with dealing with the loss, she might have to deal with existential economic difficulties. How bad – of course – depends on the country, but I experienced that people are absolutely unaware until they have to deal with the situation. It’s pretty unfair to leave the mom of small children who stayed home to take care of them completely unprotected.
Being married comes with some important stuff, too, like when either of you has to have a procedure done or has to stay in hospital for some reason, also there may be tax advantages, too.
I passed on my 1st real girlfriend of 5 years because I thought I wasn’t ready for marriage.
In retrospect, I mostly regret not marrying her. She was quality across the board and had a lot to offer, and was generally a really good girlfriend – the best I’ve had in almost all respects.
I was with my ex for about 20 years, from 20 until 40ish. We knew each other in HS, started dating in college. We both moved away once she graduated so she could get a doctorate and I would finish my bachelors. A year later and she cheated with one of her students (she was a TA), we split for 2 years. In 2007, we got back together and things were good until 2011, when I suspected her of cheating again. I couldn’t prove it and she made me seem like I was crazy, we pretty quickly got back together.
2012 or so, I proposed in front of her family – it was a big to-do. Her dad knew I was going to do it, he’d asked me if he could give a speech afterward. I told him sure – post giving her the ring, my mind was a blur. I remember him giving this speech in front of the 30-40 people that were there and in the middle of it, she whispered “you don’t want to get married right away so you?” I should have known right then I fucked up.
We stayed engaged for years, flipped a couple houses and settled on our dream home in 2016. Early on, she had wanted kids and I didn’t. By this time, I was late 30’s and thought kids would be cool, but she was opposed. Our marriage kept getting pushed off, next summer, we’ll do it in the fall – neither of us were in a rush.
In 2020 during the height of Covid, her drinking got worse and worse. We were arguing about it constantly and she started spending more time at bars and away from home. Next thing I know, she’s dating this dirty old redneck guy she’d met at some trashy bar. I made an effort to work on things if she’d delete his number – she told me she couldn’t do that. I moved out in late 2020, her and that guy quickly broke up.
3 years later and I’ve been in a relationship with an amazing girl for over 2 years, my ex is on boyfriend number 4 or 5 now. She occasionally texts or messages, asking how things are – her family and friends tell me regularly that she wants to get back together, I can’t bring myself to even see her – it still pisses me off.
If I had to do it over again, I should never have taken her back after the first time. Now I’m mid 40’s and no kids, that ship has likely sailed.
30 here.
Was with my ex for 5 years and had 2 sons. Ended pretty amicably but has turned horrendous recently. Be very careful about who you have children with!
Was with a woman almost 6 years, she had kids and I didn’t. Did my best, bent over backwards, and used my good credit (hers was shit) to fix up the house and help her get a car she really loved.
Now I’m alone, stuck with the bills from the house and the car she wanted but can’t afford now she’s moved out and I haven’t been able to buy groceries in a month.
If I knew the what I know now I would’ve bought a classic car to restore and had something to show for my money and effort.
You haven’t stated your particular objections to marriage. If it’s the whole ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ thing, then it shouldn’t matter to you to go ahead and make the commitment because it’s a priority for her. If you’re bringing kids into the mix that’s a serious commitment anyway.
If your objection is that you’re not sure you want to commit to this person forever, save her some youth and break up now. Hate to sound like a cliché but for women especially, the biological clock is real. She’ll need time to heal, enjoy some independence, meet someone new and let it get serious, *then* try for kids.
Source: I spent 7 years with someone who carefully dodged the marriage (and kids) thing with me, and I resented him for taking up my best years.
Just get married, dude. You want kids, you love your girl. Relationships are about commitment and compromise.
You will never find anyone better. If she’s put up with your kind of crazy for 6 years, she’s invested.
Thinking you are ready for a kid but not marriage is wild to me.
At this point in my life I don’t think i could put my body through a pregnancy if the man didn’t commit to me 100%.