9 months talking stage
Hi there, I wanted to seek some advice and share my thoughts. I [21 F] am a Turkish girl living in the Netherlands
Since November, I’ve been talking to a guy [22 M] (he is also Turkish), and we clicked quite well because we share similar interests like gaming and much more. When it comes to work and school, we agree with each other, and we share the same beliefs. We’re both in our early twenties.
I am a fuller girl and very insecure about myself. I’ve been working on losing weight for a while now, and I’m making progress. He, on the other hand, is very fit and slim but prefers his girlfriend to be thin. Apart from my fuller appearance, he really likes me. I had already mentioned before ever meeting him that I’m not thin.
Below is a note I wrote about him but never sent. It’s about how our very first date went. Our intention was to have a picnic in the afternoon, but it didn’t go as planned.
…
I met you on July 29th for the first time, and I was incredibly nervous and scared. I had expected that we would have a picnic in the afternoon, but I got everything wrong. You made me wait for 1.5 hours in the dark and in the rain, and I understand that the location was my choice, but how you conveyed the plan made the location seem perfect if you had arrived earlier. But my point is, you made me wait in the rain in the dark, and I felt so unsafe. I wanted to go home so badly, but I didn’t show you how scared I was; I just sat there crying. I was terrified that someone would harm me, and when I got lost in the woods, you can’t imagine what was going through my mind. I genuinely thought I was going to die. It was pitch dark, there was no light, I couldn’t find my way out of the woods, and I had no phone signal. I finally emerged from the woods, standing at the entrance. And then, you were almost there, and you got angry with me because I was pushing you and forcing you to come to me. I understand your frustration about your car (you hit a deer), but I was meeting you for the first time, and you got so angry right away; it made me even more scared.
Finally, you arrived at 23:10 after a long conversation and a 1.5-hour wait. Right away, I knew I didn’t look the way you wanted me to look. I’m grateful that you didn’t show it then, but your message 2/3 days later did show it. You said, “I’m just being honest with you. If you were a bit fitter, we would be in a relationship now.” This hurt me. I gave you 5 things that day:
* 1 container of beans and rice (Turkish dish). Because your mother wasn’t there, and you couldn’t eat properly.
* 1 container of 20 Turkish spring rolls (sigara borek). Because you wanted something with dough, I had tried my best that day to provide you with something you craved.
* 1 cake. For your parents, so that when they came back from their vacation, they would have something tasty to eat.
* 1 letter with a drawing of your dream car. I was allowed to send you something, but I didn’t know what, so I did my best to make it as beautiful as possible.
* 1 black folded rose. I had made it on Valentine’s Day; you wanted a black one, and I had kept it for you for months.
And honestly, you didn’t show gratitude for any of those 5 things. I don’t just conjure those things out of thin air. I talked to you for months, I put in so much effort, and look at what I got in return. You judged me based on my appearance, you just said, “I’m just being honest with you. If you were a bit fitter, we would be in a relationship now.” In other words, because you’re overweight, we have nothing. Is my weight all you saw that day? Am I worth nothing other than my weight? You couldn’t see how much effort I put into you. But my weight is what bothers you. Do you really think I’m not insecure about myself? I wanted to be thin too, but we can’t have everything we want. I’ve been accepting that you ignore me and skip me. But I have to be judged again on my weight, and I can’t say anything about your behavior toward me.
I’m not perfect, but I’m really a good girl, I’m not toxic at all. It’s just that we live in a society where people judge based on appearance and not on character.
When our date was over, I secretly hoped that you would drop me off at home. I didn’t expect you to leave me to ride my bike alone at night (around 2:00). Well, I got out, grabbed my things, and whoosh, you were gone, you didn’t even see me waving at you. At the very least, I expected you to say, “Text me when you’re safely home.” I arrived, and I waited for a message from you to say that you were home safely for 2.5 hours. It was 4:30 in the middle of the night, and I waited for you to say that you were home, and you couldn’t even tell me to message you when I arrived home.
…
After this, we haven’t met up again. He did apologize via message for making me wait and getting angry. He said he wanted to meet again and make things right.
I may have portrayed him very negatively, and you might think I’m crazy or foolish for still thinking about him, but I’d appreciate some advice.
Should I lose weight and wait for us to start having a relationship , or should I be honest and tell him that if he really wants a relationship with me, he should go for it and trust me for loosing weight.