Hi all,
I’ve (30F) been dating my wonderful partner (28M) for about a year and I love him so much. We have an incredible relationship and for the most part everything is great.
About three months in, he told me he likes larger women, and specifically the idea of watching a woman grow and get larger. Initially, this made me a bit insecure because I am fairly petite/average sized (about 5’4 and 125lbs). I looked at his Instagram following and noticed a lot of feeder/feedee content which led me down a rabbit hole of learning about the kink.
At first I was really opposed to gaining any weight. I have a history of disordered eating and try very hard to remain body neutral, eat intuitively, etc. I shared this with him and said I didn’t want to engage in the kink (I was open to explore it other ways besides gaining weight such as wearing tight clothes, etc). No shame/judgement at all but it’s not for me.
However, he would always praise me when I ate seconds or dessert and the praise felt good. I started eating more to please him. Every day when he comes home from work he asks what I’ve eaten and tells me either good job or I need to eat some more. I’ve probably gained about 20lbs as a result and I feel horrible. My sex drive has completely plummeted. Our sex revolves around him grabbing my stomach and thighs and telling me how “good” I’ve been. It makes me want to cry because I know he is turned on by my weight gain, which I was trying to avoid. I have spiraled and started obsessing about food again and meal times are causing me anxiety. My clothes aren’t fitting and my mom has commented on my weight gain.
I told him some of this and we’ve tried to have sex without engaging in his kink and he has a hard time staying aroused. I know he views a lot of feeder/feedee porn. He told me he wouldn’t be as attracted to me if I lost weight. I feel so sad because his needs and my needs are at odds. Why did he pick me if he wanted to be with a larger woman? Would love to hear any advice- we are both in therapy but I don’t know how much he shares.
TLDR- my boyfriend has a feederism kink that I’m not into. Are we doomed to be sexually incompatible?
UPDATE: We talked- he has apologized and agreed to stop engaging in the kink with me. He reiterated that he loves me at any size and is willing to choose me over this. I’m not sure if this is a long term solution for us but I will be sticking to my boundaries of not participating. Thank you all ❤️
25 comments
If he can’t be sexually attracted to you without his kink being involved, then yes, I would think you’re not going to be happy with one another. It’s changed the way you think about yourself and is having an effect on your mental health. Your health should be a priority to him, over his ultimate sexual satisfaction, and it doesn’t sound as though that is the case.
I’m sorry this is where you’ve found yourself to be and I hope you’re able to heal.
Yeah, this doesn’t seem compatible to me in general without some real work. And that’s going to take hours of uncomfortable conversation you’ll both have to be open to.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a fetish like he does, but he does have to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him and not everyone on the planet shares his fetish.
That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t express it or like it, sure, but full stop he shouldn’t be out here actively intruding on your lifestyle and wellbeing by doing so. You have a right to your feelings and how your own image makes you feel about your life — and one would hope that a partner in life is fully capable of seeing from your perspective without being dragged there unwillingly.
If you get no sexual gratification out of this fetish, and were to solely engage in it to please him, there should be parameters. Like in a BDSM session or something — a safe word & you define what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. Maybe there might be a roleplay scenario or something you can do every once in a while to throw him a bone, but if he isn’t being respectful it’s gonna have to stay a fetish that stays with porn. And that should be okay to set that boundary for yourself if you wish.
This is one of those kinks where if all parties are hella into it there’s no problem but if one person is trying to persuade or coerce the other into it then it’s fucked up and a bad situation. If they can’t be sexually fulfilled without fetishizing your weight gain and you have no interest in that then it’s a fundamental mismatch and you should split before it gets even messier and I’m not talking about a messy stack of plates at the buffet.
Feeder/feedee kinks need to be approached carefully, because there are serious health risks. I’ve known if men who encourage their partner to get massively obese and then leave them, because they can’t gain any more weight and the arousal is gone. Not that that’s what he’s doing, but it can go way too far.
And like any kink, consent is paramount — and while you are engaging, it doesn’t sound like you’re truly consenting in your heart.
If he requires this kink, and requires you to do things you feel are unhealthy and uncomfortable, that’s also his issue and seeing a sex therapist who really goes in depth (many don’t) would be helpful for him. (Possibly an unpopular opinion but true)
It’s like if one can hardly get aroused without using a knife to draw blood from their partner’s skin, one can’t help the arousal but there’s a deeper issue if their kink requires serious risks and can’t get aroused without it. An overcoupling that’s unhealthy rather than a fun kinky thing that adds more fun and arousal to the situation. It’s not about the content of the kink itself but the risk posed.
Same with a breeding kink – hot but if one literally ejaculates in multiple partners without any birth control, that’s risky and irresponsible. No judgment on the kink, but it must be approached with care — and that care has to start inside the person with the kink. And sadly it doesn’t sound like that’s happening here.
Sending love
I read this at first as “Federalism” and was like “yea girl that’s a hell of a kink”
He’s sexually aroused by you destroying your health. Is heart disease really worth this relationship? GTFO and never look back.
Absolutely do not continue down this path, it can only be harmful to your health. I’m basically your exact size (i.e. petite) and I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t pick a partner who is the opposite and would be happy with this
This is a kink that is not safe for you given the health history you shared and how it’s making you feel about your body and food again. I would recommend removing yourself from the kink, which here feels more like a full lifestyle. It’s not just bedroom related but a whole life.
Is your physical and mental health worth the relationship?
This is wrong
This is not just a kink this is your HEALTH
lf you have any problems with this you need to leave him lm sorry but trust me you dont want the aftermath problems, he’s not even your husband
I would honestly dump him. I’d tell him to go enjoy his porn.
Please don’t continue to participate in this, your long term health is much more valuable than pleasing another person sexually.
Hi, I’ve been through this exact same thing, and I want to preface this by saying I’m sorry if any of this comes off badly. I just wanted to share with you my compassion and understanding and perspective of someone who has gone through this in an eerily similar situation.
My ex was into feederism to same point your partner is and I have the same problems with disordered eating, which intensified (and still linger) for a long time after we broke up; I will leave it as TLDR here, it won’t get any better.
I will however approach this from the perspective of someone who has been through this same scenario.
I know you love him and you want to please him as you would any partner, and he makes it seem so good and easy when he congratulates you and praises you; but he doesn’t want YOU he wants this pornified fantasy of what he thinks his kink looks like, especially when he says he wouldn’t be as attracted to you if you didn’t have the weight.
It hollows you out inside when the only thing he can finish to is his kink, it makes you feel worse; you start thinking that if you cant please him when he loves you how can you please anyone? It makes you give into what he wants and the fetish even though it goes against whats healthiest mentally for yourself, and you feel worse for it.
If you’re hoping you can fix him, or get him to stop or tone it down, it won’t work. If its at the stage where my ex was, where his fetish was the only thing that did anything for him and he wouldn’t touch me unless it involved that, its a long way forward and rarely much changes.
As a person who has gone through that, and come out the other side I will say; It has nothing to do with you. You’re great the way you are. You went above and beyond and he couldn’t do the courtesy of being attracted to you without the weight. Put yourself first. Love yourself more. Treat yourself with kindness.
I wish I could give you a big hug because I know the exact emotions you are going through, and I hope this will help in some way or another.
Yep. Don’t stick around for this. Sounds like you don’t really consent to it.
–I have a history of disordered eating
Run away fast. This is not a safe path for you at all.
Break the fuck up. This guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. This is going to wreck your health and self esteem in so many ways. GTFO as fast as you can girl
Absolutely unhealthy. You’re only going to make your ED worse.
As a nutrition professional I don’t think staying with him would be good due to your ED history. I think for your own sake, the relationship is not worth it. Please decide to leave the relationship as I can see it doing more harm to you than good.
https://reddit.com/r/sexover30/s/XkG1GtWV75
This him? If so read the comments
I will say here what I said on his post. He does not have a feeder fetish. He likes the idea of it. That’s it. He has never lived that life. He has no idea what it is like to live with someone of size. He does not understand the challenges and sacrifices that you both would be making. The desire to have you permanently damage your body to satisfy his jerk off fantasies is a truly elite level of selfishness. For you to go down this road is beyond insanity. You do not even know if he will actually want you at that point. Then what?
To answer your question, he may have gotten involved with you because you were small … you gaining weight will be obvious more quickly than someone who is already at his preferred size. He doesn’t just want the woman to be big, he wants to see her *get* big.
Why did he pick you? You should be asking WHY DID YOU PICK HIM?!
People with eating disorders shouldn’t even entertain the idea of a kink like this. This isn’t healthy for you.
Feederism is a kink that make me feel especially uncomfortable. A fair amount of it seems to comes down to one person desiring power over another. The larger their partner gets, the more they’ll need them to take care of them. There’s also the significant health risks of significant weight gain for a person at a healthy weight. If he likes big girls, there’s plenty out there for him to fall in love with. If he wants someone to fatten up, I’d be concerned about his motives.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s fucked up that he pushes this on to you when you have a history with eating disorder?
Good fucking grief. He apologised so all is OK? This will not end well for you OP. What about the fact he can’t enjoy sex without his disgusting habit of forcing his kink on you? This is abuse. You are just prolonging your agony if you think this will get better.