So my bf (African) and I have been dating for almost a year. He’s mentioned wanting to sleep with other girls and every time he brings it up I get upset and he says sorry (then it just kind of gets brushed under the rug). He keeps saying men have higher sex drives and that he doesn’t like the man he is when he isn’t having sex (we’re in different states rn and see each other three times a month or so for a few days each time but I’m moving back in with him in less than a month). I said I would be fine with it IF I was allowed to sleep with other guys while away and he says no he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with another guy and “why would I even bring that up”. I’m wondering if some of his thought process comes from his upbringing in africa or if that’s irrelevant? He moved to the states at 18yo.
Last night we were walking our dog and he brought up him sleeping with other women (he hadn’t brought it up in months) and I got really upset (..again). I asked why he thinks he should be able to do that and he said because he can have sex without the feelings attached; whereas, for me sex is more meaningful. Then I asked why he keeps bringing it up when he knows it upsets me so much and he said that he wants to be able to speak his mind and there shouldn’t be any “secrests” in what we’re thinking (aka we should be open books with each other).
I know from the sound of the post he doesn’t sound great but he treats me well and I like him a lot. This is the only down turn. It seems like he has an insane sex drive and only wants to talk sex all the time (which is definitely a very important aspect of the relationship but a relationship is so much more and he just doesn’t seem to realize it) Also, I can’t help but feel as though he’s being hypocritical as he tells me “sex is so important” etc yet if it’s so important for the relationship then why would he want to ruin this “important” and special connection by having sex with someone else.
What should I do?
24 comments
African or not that’s a bullshit move by a garden variety manipulator. He doesn’t respect your autonomy and thinks he gets to operate under a different set of rules than his partner. This will not be the last time he tries to take advantage of a double standard HE CREATED.
Time to find somebody who will respect you and your boundaries.
How old are you and how old is he?
He obviously understands monogamy because he’s asking.
Why are you moving in and have a dog with someone you “like a lot”. Do you not love one another?
> I know from the sound of the post he doesn’t sound great but he treats me well and I like him a lot.
He doesn’t treat you well. The behavior you’ve described in this post is disrespectful, controlling, and unfair. Why like a man who sees you as a fleshlight?
Speaking as someone who is polyamorous and does have sex with others outside my marriage (and my wife does the same), this is manipulative through and through. He just wants to have sex with others because he wants to act single, while keeping you on retainer as his personal toy for when he is ready to use you, who isn’t allowed to also act single. He wants the benefits of being single but also with having a steady relationship. And he clearly doesn’t understand being a good partner since he keeps bringing it up and upsetting you (which also should tell you how willing he is going to be to let this idea go).
I would be very careful if you continue to see him, as these aren’t good signs at all.
I mean kudos to him for the whole honesty/open-book thing (he’s certainly not holding back lol) but the fact that he keeps bringing up something he knows you’re not okay with is concerning. (as is the double standard). Maybe a heart to heart where you lay it out clearly your not okay with him sleeping with other women (and also that your not okay with him continuing to bring it up) is needed but if he still can’t wrap his head around things and continues to pressure you, you have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth the stress and frustration
Doesn’t matter what race he is, this is bullshit. He wants to open the relationship, then you get to play too. If not, it stays monogamous. He has two options there is no third or you’re gone. Bc what he’s suggesting is not ok.
Tell him to stop being hypocritical.
Leave the hypocrite.
African woman here. That’s bullshit. He knows it. Drop him like hit potato. He’ll be a pain in your life.
I’m African your boyfriend is an asshole. Idk wtf he is on about
He really treats you like shit
He probably is banging other girls and wants to elevate some guilt of it. Just Leave.
It’s complete bullshit, misogynistic rhetoric. Fuck him
It’s not honesty, it’s manipulation. I mean, it’s not like it was a secret before? He told you this already, you said no. He knows perfectly well it upsets you but keeps bringing it up, because he doesn’t really care. He just wants it his way.
> What should I do?
You decide for yourself what your deal breakers are gonna be and stop thinking he’ll change.
He’s gonna keep bringing up that he wants to sleep with other women. Are you able to accept that as part of the cost of dating him? I don’t think you can. Think long term. He’s gonna keep bringing this up. Are you okay with it long term or is it going to wear you down?
See, the obvious answer for most people is that this is a deal breaker. But I’m asking you these questions to show you WHY it’s a deal breaker. It’s going to poison the relationship slowly, because it hurts you emotionally and he won’t stop.
> I know from the sound of the post he doesn’t sound great but he treats me well and I like him a lot. This is the only down turn.
If it’s a big enough down turn that you’re willing to make a post about it, then it’s big enough that it has to be worth leaving over. Now it’s up to you when it reaches that point, but honestly I don’t think he’s gonna change anytime soon. And if he does change, it won’t be because you made some argument.
There are guys right now who don’t have this baggage.
If you genuinely decide that it’s worth staying with him, that’s your choice to make, but don’t expect anything to change.
> He keeps saying men have higher sex drives and that he doesn’t like the man he is when he isn’t having sex
I hate the justifications people use for this shit. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to want asymmetric poly, but no one wants to hear “We are different so I get everything I want and you don’t.” It’s such a stupid way to argue that just leads to resentment.
I think the better way is to say “I’d like to sleep with other people, I’m not okay with you doing that, but I’m willing to put in effort in other ways to make it worth your while.” At least that way he’s not just making it all about his wants. There’s no bullshit justification. It’s just, “This would make me happy, but I want to know if I could also make you happy too.”
At the end of the day, this shit only works when BOTH people get off on the dynamic and when there’s adequate aftercare and respect for boundaries. Like in the cuck/cuckquean/hotwife/hothusband communities. Both people actively get off on the asymmetric sex, the monogamous partner doesn’t want to sleep with other people AND enjoys their partner having more people. AND they check in with each other and have aftercare.
In fact they try to include each other into the dynamic. The hot wife is excited to tell her husband about the guy she fucked, or likes putting on a show. The cuck also gets to express his or her fantasies. AND if either of them have a problem, they stop the extra marital affairs to focus on each other.
Does any of that sound like what’s going on here? Or is he just thinking about himself and what he wants?
> I said I would be fine with it IF I was allowed to sleep with other guys while away and he says no he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with another guy and “why would I even bring that up”. I’m wondering if some of his thought process comes from his upbringing in africa or if that’s irrelevant? He moved to the states at 18yo.
Depending on the country and region, yes it’s possible but it doesn’t really matter. Just because he might come from an area where it’s acceptable doesn’t mean you should spend more time letting him hurt you by bringing it up. On the contrary, if he did grow up with these beliefs then it’s gonna be HARDER to have a happy relationship because you both are just incompatible.
Also him asking “Why would you even bring that up” is PEAK lack of self awareness.
> I’m moving back in with him in less than a month
*sigh*
> Then I asked why he keeps bringing it up when he knows it upsets me so much and he said that he wants to be able to speak his mind and there shouldn’t be any “secrests” in what we’re thinking (aka we should be open books with each other).
Because he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal and he knows that you’ll stay with him as long as he’s appealing in other ways. This is what’s happening right now. You stay with him regardless. You’re not willing to leave over it. Why would he stop?
Alright. I’m gonna set the bar REALLY low. I’m talking burying the bar so it’s under ground. All he has to do is walk over it:
Is he willing to show you that he cares about not hurting you AT ALL. Is he willing to make literally ANY accommodation? Is he willing to stop bringing it up? Is he willing to bring it up differently? Is he willing to talk about it in a way that hurts you less? Is he willing to grant any form of compromise?
I understand that if asymmetric poly is really important to him then just dropping it will leave him unsatisfied. But is he at all willing to adjust his communication style to be more accommodating to your blatant discomfort?
And if he’s unwilling to change, what are YOU going to do about it?
Look, the really obvious answer is to leave. You’re not gonna like what happens if you stay. But I hope I’ve given you enough to think about so you know why people just say “LEAVE HIS ASS!” Because in this scenario it doesn’t look like you’ll be happy together AND you can get BETTER partners.
Even without the blatant disregard for your emotional discomfort, you both still have a fundamental incompatibility.
Or he’s listening to too many podcasts and doesn’t realize how stupid he’s being by focusing on something that doesn’t really matter to him but he was told it matters by someone else. And you can’t fix him if that’s the case, he has to fix himself.
Guess what? He’s sleeping with other people
Sounds controlling. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
I don’t think that’s exclusive to African men lol there’s men like that in every culture and you should run as far away as you can from them. They’re not men they’re boys.
This is complete bs. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. He wants a relationship where he can f*ck around as much as he wants whereas you get nothing. Leave his pathetic ass.
Doesn’t matter if it’s cultural or not, you’re not compatible and he’s already cheating.
Pretty sure you already know this.
He’s just trying to be smart with you. If he wants to sleep around, you’re equally capable of doing the same. Its not an African thing
Lol dump him. He’s gonna cheat.
Dump him. Your values and boundaries are a terrible match. Why are you working so hard to keep this house of cards standing?
Omg, move on from him or accept he will cheat on you eventually. Also, you need to realize and accept that he has some very antiquated beliefs that most likely will not ever change, i.e., men live by different standards than women.
>He keeps saying men have higher sex drives and that he doesn’t like the man he is when he isn’t having sex
So he’s using sex as an emotional regulator. Not great. You get to provide a warm hole for him to feel better about himself. Lucky you.
>IF I was allowed to sleep with other guys while away and he says no he couldn’t stand the thought of me being with another guy and “why would I even bring that up”.
Why wouldn’t you? What’s good for the goose and all that.
>he brought up him sleeping with other women (he hadn’t brought it up in months) and I got really upset (..again).
Oh look, a thinly veiled attempt to wear you down until you concede. Gross. This will NOT be the last time this happens.
>he said because he can have sex without the feelings attached; whereas, for me sex is more meaningful.
So how do you feel about the fact that he doesn’t see women as actual people, but as a receptacle for his sexual desires? And if it’s just sex and no feelings are involved, then why is he so adamant about it? I’m willing to bet he’s just looking to get his dick wet anyway he can. Advice? Get yourself tested.
>It seems like he has an insane sex drive and only wants to talk sex all the time
I don’t think I need a crystal ball to tell you what you’re going to be stuck doing 24/7 once you move in together. Are you willing to be his sexual servant forever? What happens if you can’t keep up with him? Or if you have a medical situation that prevents him from getting laid when he wants? My guess is he’ll always and forever be looking to outsource. Is that the future you want for yourself? Do you want to be respected as a person in your life? Look up what sexual aversion is about because I predict that eventually you’ll be experiencing it. 100%.
>What should I do?
I know what I would do, and I would definitely pass on this guy. He’s reaaaaally coming across as a hypocritical creep that’s already cheating.