This is my first post, so please bear with me. Me (25F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been dating for about 9 months. He’s been in the military for 8 years and has decided that he wants to get out and take his remaining 90 days of leave (the equivalent to PTO). At first I was hesitant, but I agreed to him moving in with me. I said that I would cover the rent for the month of September and he said he’d pay for the groceries. As far as the lease, it’s in my name.
However, a few weeks ago, I changed my mind and told my boyfriend that we should live separately for a little bit longer. When I think about it, I feel like I’m not fully committed or willing to trust him enough to rely on him financially yet. My boyfriend is not the best with money and a couple months ago, he started making comments saying that he’s is broke and insinuating that he does not have much extra money for himself after paying his personal bills, yet, he will make in-game purchases on his video games and buy vapes and trinkets for his car (stickers, rear view mirror accessories). This leads me to believe that he is not managing his money properly or isn’t prioritizing things. He’s also never lived on his own. His parents took care of him and after he graduated high school he was in the care of the military, whom provided him with shelter, pay, medical and clothing. Yes, he has bills, but bills when you’re living with parents and/ or living in the barracks is completely different than bills by yourself; there’s no safety net.
I told him that I am not ready to live together right now and he was trying to convince me to change my mind. I told him he definitely can stay with me for a little but he’ll have to find his own place. I need to see him be independent and able to stand on his own before I’m able to be comfortable.
We’ve had talks and I’ve tried to explain this to him but I don’t quite think he understands. I get that this is a big transition for him. Serving 8 years to starting over is intimidating. I’ve assured him that we’re not breaking up and that I’m here to support him and offer any advice.
Side note: I was in the military as well. I served honorably, got out, stayed with my mom for a few months, found a job, found apartments, got an associates, career certificate and a state license. For the past three years I have kept my head above water. According to my standards, if I can do it, so can he.
Am I doing too much?
TDLR; I don’t want my boyfriend to live with me because he’s not financially secure and it’s scares me
3 comments
You are being VERY reasonable. Honestly the worst idea you have in this whole post is that he can stay with you for a while and *then* get his own place. That’s just asking for him to end up hanging around for months telling you gosh it’s so hard to find a place, how terrible that he can’t, you’re such a good SO for letting him stay.
I would also be *very* concerned if I were you about his willingness to do housework. It’s a very common pattern for those who go from living with parents to living with a partner to expect their partner to “manage” the home, and at least tell him what his chores are and remind him to do them. The military, frankly, also tends to create men who want “traditional” partners (aka housewives) so chances are higher than average that he’ll see housework as YOUR task that he sometimes helps out with. Pressing him to live on his own at least lets you know he’s *capable* of keeping up housework.
You are 100% correct here. He needs to live alone and manage his money, keep his house clean and do all the stuff…find an apartment, sign up for utilities, pay his bills, CLEAN HIS OWN HOUSE, etc.
You’ve made to right decision. Watch carefully now how he behaves. You will learn an awful lot. Good or bad.
I wouldn’t recommend moving in together if you are not ready.