so i’ve been thinking about my sexuality for quite some time and just need to get it out there, and maybe get some advice.
i’m a 21 yr old woman and i have a boyfriend, i’ve only ever had boyfriends, but i think of women also. But when I think of women in a non-fantasy type of way, I get scared of those feelings. I have no idea why. I always think ‘am i bi? am i bi curious? what am i?’ and its getting tiring of not knowing.
i also think i might be asexual, but i also question if i am because i still get sexually aroused, i just rarely want to act on it. i like the thought of sex, i like imagining scenarios, reading smut and ‘helping myself out’ but when it comes to actually having sex, it’s like my body immediately stops getting aroused and shuts out the thoughts of it.
i’m just so confused, and thought maybe asking about it or for advice would help me.
2 comments
If you think you might be asexual, it may be worth it to try presenting your doubts at their subreddit. They are quite ok when it comes to giving support and advice, although they can often be rather antisexual at times.
You might be bisexual. Or bicurious. You might be asexual as well. You shutting down at thoughts of actual intercourse may be due to lack of experience, some internal struggle or possibly even past trauma.
What may help is to, how to properly say it, lose the chains with yourself. Think, ask yourself, explore your feelings. That never hurts and you may indeed find the answer.
In my 20s I went through a horrible period of SO-OCD (Sexual orientation OCD) where I obsessively questioned my sexuality, constantly checked my arousal to different things, analyzed every bit of my past actions, etc. I say this just to point out how important our sexual orientation is to our identity. So your “fear” response to that confusion, I think, is because you’ve believed yourself to be straight up to this point and thinking otherwise is quite a shock to your system.
Sexuality is fluid and labels are only useful until they aren’t. They’re a shortcut to describe a phenomena that is a bit more complex than a word can summarize and a phenomena that can’t be objectively measured, as you point out:
>and its getting tiring of not knowing.
It’s not like you can scan your body and get your Kinsey scale rating.
You more or less have to look at what you fantasiE about and what you desire. If you have sexual fantasies about women then you have a non-zero sexual attraction to women. It can be a fantasy, or it can be an actual real desire to be sexual with women. If you fantasize about men, then you have a non-zero sexual attraction to men. Romantic attraction is a whole other ballgame. Who do you desire to be in a relationship with?
Other anxiety around sex can make it difficult to know for sure too. Like you might be sexually attracted to men, but you’re nervous about sex and therefore it has a negative impact on your arousal. It could also be the man himself; maybe you aren’t fully attracted to him.
Ultimately you are what you are, and you should foster an environment of acceptance for whoever you are. We can’t really control what turns us on; it’s too much of an automatic, subconscious behavior. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to both men and women. I’m bisexual even though I’ve never been with a man. I prefer women sexually and romantically but I know that I’m turned on by dicks and men fucking. It’s been that way since I was a teen, so I’m pretty confident in calling myself bi.