Tl;dr: Feeling mentally tired that there’s too much that I need to keep up with and learn to be living a lasting successful mariage. Any tips?
I don’t know from where to start. I got married recently more than 6 months) in a young age by choice and I figured out more concretely with time that marriage requires lots of self-work.
I am happy to do that of course. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna miss on anything and I end up feeling mentally tired. Like I genuinely want to be a great wife, I do lots of efforts to keep the marriage a success but sometimes I feel like it’s never enough and there’s a lot to do. Besides the social beauty pressure defined by men that women are exposed to (we know that men care too much about physical appearance that’s why you should always do your best to stay the best looking woman in his eyes), there’s also the intellectual side. I feel like I want to keep up with any cultural/political/historical/etc. information that my husband mentioned. Why? Because I see marriage as an opportunity to bond by discussing deep talks with your spouse before anyone else. I don’t wanna feel like he enjoys discussing interesting topics with someone else rather than me. I am aiming for a healthy loving long lasting marriage. That’s why it’s crucial to me to be able to be my partner’s number one choice when it comes to sharing his opinions about different topics. I just feel that sometimes, I fail to maintain an interesting discussion with him because I don’t have enough knowledge in that topic and it happened more than once and it makes me feel bad to hear him mentioning that I need to learn more. I am still young in my early twenties and I love learning but I think it takes time. So how can I satisfy this intellectual need of his and make him learn from me and look up to me? It’s something crucial for him as well. Also, how can I stop feeling overwhelmed with all the self work I need to do?
3 comments
Hey! It sounds like you really want your marriage to work out, I get that. And I understand how cultural factors, depending on your culture, can feel overwhelming and make you want to be a perfect partner.
Is your husband putting pressure on you to keep up a certain physical appearance and to have knowledge about all of the things that he has knowledge on? Or is this pressure you’re putting on yourself because you are really afraid that if you don’t step up, he will go to someone else?
I hope he is not putting pressure on you – if he is, that may be a more serious issue to talk to him about.
If the pressure is pressure you’re putting on yourself, I totally understand those fears. But for what it’s worth, he married you on purpose, so he must already like the way you look and like talking to you. And I would let go of wanting to be able to talk to him about everything – most people that I know do not expect their partners to have all the same knowledge as them! It’s more important that you listen to him and take an interest in him.
Marriage is not about studying and you shouldn’t feel like you have homework. If he brings up something you don’t know about, instead of worrying about studying it, ask him questions about it. He will probably enjoy sharing his knowledge and teaching you.
And you can also talk about things that are interesting to you. I assume all you’d want is for him to listen and ask questions, and you wouldn’t care if he studied for those conversations, right?
I’m worried that if you always feel like you are falling short, and always feel like you have to study to be worthy of this marriage, you won’t even enjoy it. All you can do is be you – the you he married – and hope that he loves that you! And I’m guessing he does 🙂
Hope this helps!
this is my personal opinion, imo learning stuff to have a deep conversation with him is a bit over the top. especially if you’re not interested in that subject.
im interested in politics, sports and streetwear. my wife not interested in any of that. but in other area she’s more knowledgeable than me and we both dont force ourselves to learn each other interest.
if your husband giving hints to make you learn something that you have zero interest in, so he can have “deep” conversations with you. then that’s not a good sign.
when he married you, he should understand enough what he’ll get and not mold you into something that he wants. does he learn something so he can have deep conversation with you?
>I don’t wanna feel like he enjoys discussing interesting topics with someone else rather than me.
This is a possessive thing to say. You and your husband are both fully formed adults and you should be able to have your own interests and not share all of them. My partner and I have things we enjoy discussing, but not every relationship can share all interests. My ex and I had great conversations in topics that my partner and I don’t discuss, and while I miss talking about those things my current relationship has so many other good things about it that its a net gain. Also my current partner has friends that he can discuss things that i’m less interested with and i’m happy that he has someone to share those interests with.
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>it makes me feel bad to hear him mentioning that I need to learn more.
Does he expect you to share his interests or are you creating this expectation in the relationship?
>So how can I satisfy this intellectual need of his and make him learn from me and look up to me?
By look up to you do you mean respect you? Relationships tend to be more about mutual respect and both partners having different expertises than necessarily looking up to each other.