I (32M) got engaged (27F) and now I have doubts about my relationship :(

49 comments

1. [deleted]

2. I don’t understand, why do you feel stressed around her?

3. It kinda sounds like you don’t actually like this person very much.

4. doubts about marriage often go long way down the road

5. It’s called nerves. You might just be worried about being “tied down” and all of those clichéd terms talk some stuff out, don’t come from a negative place and just relax. Remember what made you propose in the first place. Don’t let nervousness get in the way of your happiness.

6. It could be a fear of making the wrong choice. I think the best thing to do here is to communicate with your partner rather than let your fears consume you and possibly ruin a relationship that you actually may really want.

7. Talk to her about changing the date, until you’ve had enough counselling sessions to understand the issues and know how to work through them. It would be a small inconvenience to put it off for six months or more, but a lot safer for you both. It’s much more painful to go through a divorce, than a delay in the wedding date. It’s also much worse to get married and not be with the right person. Make sure of that before you start sending invitations.

8. If you started to feel stressed after you got engaged and the relationship was fine before like you say, then maybe you’re having commitment issues. And it’s manifesting like this

9. It’s natural for couples to have differences in communication styles, but it’s crucial to address your feelings of stress and doubt.

   Continue with couples counseling, open communication, and seek compromises to bridge the gap between your logical and emotional approaches. Self-reflection and managing stress are also key.

   Consider whether these challenges are typical relationship issues or indicative of deeper concerns. The decision about your future together should be based on honest communication and what feels right for both of you.

10. [removed]

11. You never fight but she’s not easy to get along with? How does this work?

12. What do you mean that she’s logical and that’s a problem? That sounds like a positive attribute.

13. Researching the mbti or enneagram may give you insight on cognitive functions and core fears/motivations etc. There can certainly be a beauty in being with someone who takes in the world a little differently than you do – and it can bring a sense of balance and insight. While I certainly consider myself a feeler, I always try to appreciate the perspective of someone who would be considered more logical in their approach to life. I realize there are times when both are beneficial.

    Have you figured out why this is stressing you out? What is the deal breaker for you – if there is one?

14. Sounds like you have fear/commitment issues. Nothing you said reflects badly on her.

15. When did these feelings first arise? What dynamic could have changed in your relationship to make you feel this way, simply the engagement? Dig and find the cause to determine how to find the solution because these feelings can’t of come out of nowhere.

16. It’s never a good thing to feel doubts about spending the rest of your life with someone. You have to put things in perspective and ask yourself, “is this something that can easily be overcome or is this a difference in personality and will be hard to change?”. Everyone that I’ve spoken to who are in stable and loving marriages KNEW they were ready for forever with their person. If you don’t already know and have doubts, there’s a big problem that you should not ignore. Otherwise you’re already doomed for destruction. I think the issue with today’s generation is that we think “well if it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce” but it should never be that way because you’re setting yourself up for failure. I hate that people take marriage so lightly. You have to think long and hard what it is that you want. And if you’re not already leaping out of your seat to marry the person just so your “forever love” can start, then I’m sorry to say but you’re not ready to be that person’s husband. You’re 32… please grow up already and be decisive of what you want out of life and who you want that with. Stop making excuses and save yourself and her the heartbreak unless you’re ready to commit.

17. So… is this something recent or has it been throughout the 2 years? Sounds like you guys might likely be incompatible then. I mean if you guys are going through counseling, then I’d just wait it out, unless you feel like you can’t take it.. Also you already proposed, so in some ways this puts you in a bind. It would likely break her for you to drop it, but if you feel doubtful, then you’re doing the right thing for you. You don’t want to be in a miserable marriage. Divorces are expensive, just going to leave that there.

18. Logical and not easy to get along with… how does that work?

19. Sounds like your looking for fault for whatever reason try dating an unreasonable non compromising narc that will have you stressed

20. I can’t help but think that you shouldn’t be marrying someone who you’re not 100% sure you want to spend your life with.

21. I would at least put the wedding on hold until you’ve had more time with the therapist. If she makes you feel uneasy, you don’t have to carry on the relationship. It would be best for both of you to break it off. I’m sure she wants to be with someone who enjoys being with her. It doesn’t really matter why you don’t feel good about this, you should be in a relationship that complements your life. You should be happy!

    If, for some reason, the issue lies more in your anxiety than anything she’s doing, that’s okay too. A therapist will help you figure it out. And you can still leave if it’s not working for you. Just don’t get married until you’re happy about it.

22. It took you 2 years to learn this? I feel like some info is being left out, or just a case of cold feet and you don’t want to admit it

    Edit: typo

23. I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say that you feel threatened by her intellectually. That sounds like an issue you need to talk to a therapist about. It’s never too late to end a relationship if it doesn’t feel good, but c’mon.. how did you not realize this during the 2 years of dating?

24. I honestly understand man. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and he’s more of a “logical” person and I’m more of a feeler. It’s a hard thing to explain but I think I understand. We too are in a good relationship, we don’t fight, etc. but there’s a lot of stuff that we disagree on when it comes to a conflict between the mind and heart. I don’t think there’s a way to solve the problem, but I think that it’s a balancing act, because you need both. And where he is more of a ‘get to the root of the problem using logic’ kind of guy I’m more of a ‘that doesn’t feel like the way to do it’ kind of woman. As long as your communication skills are strong and you’re both able to voice your opinions on the situation and take in the others, I think you’ll be alright. If the love is there, it’s worth sticking through.

25. You may need to get individual counseling… before you decide that something’s wrong with BOTH of you. Being stressed by someone you never fight with definitely sounds like your issue alone.

26. Self sabotage. Either let her go or work on it

27. If I am understanding this correctly it’s that she makes you nervous and uneasy when you are around her. The real question is do you see yourself living like this for the rest of your days? Marriage either ends in divorce or someone passing. If she is making you uneasy she might not be the one for you. Going to a counselor trying to fix it and so far no results. If neither of you want to change to try to make it work for the other. It’s time to move on before its too late.

    Best of luck!

28. If you’re feeling stressed and she hasn’t done anything to cause it, this is a you problem. You need to seek counseling and get to the bottom of this before you go through with marriage. Nothing you’ve said about her reflects poorly on her. I’m not even sure what mind/heart person means If you mean she’s more logical and controlled while you act on an emotional whim that still doesn’t sound like a problem with her. Most people want someone steady and not emotional. In fact women get crap all the time, currently and throughout history, as being ’emotional’. Your kind of implying she’s not and that’s a bad thing, even though it’s what women have been scorned for forever

29. Forget couples therapy, are you in personal individual therapy?
    There is so much context missing from this post that it’s impossible to say what’s going on. For example, logic and feelings aren’t opposites and aren’t mutually exclusive. Men often claim women are too feelings-oriented while not acknowledging that logic and feelings co-exist and it’s normal and healthy to feel things about your thoughts, decisions, and circumstances. Conversely, not ALL emotions come from a place of logic or intellect, and sometimes people get emotionally dysregulated for reasons totally unrelated to logic or current reality. This often happens when we have unresolved childhood wounds or trauma that hasn’t been addressed.

    With zero context, I’m wondering if the context of engagement and role/status change has triggered something in you that’s left you feeling dysregulated. Maybe your partner notices this and doesn’t understand, because she doesn’t have the same contextual experience, and her lack of reaction just reinforces your feeling of being triggered, dysregulated, misunderstood, invalidated, etc. But it doesn’t sound like she’s *doing anything* to you that’s new or different after 2 years that would cause this.

    It’s likely this is a you (personal) issue that is only showing up now because of the context cues. And it’s something that would have me pushing pause on the wedding while you can get individual therapy to unpack what is actually happening.

30. Dude sounds like the water guy from that Pixar movie Elemental.

31. So many details are missing here, I’m confused

32. Wow some of y’all judgmental as hell and really writing your own stories here, instead of just taking the post as is and offering some true support.

    OP, I understand where you may be coming from. It’s not uncommon. Also, don’t let anyone guilt-trip you into feeling somehow at fault for recognizing this (2yrs in or otherwise). It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness. Let me share that I’ve realized this exact this between me and my HUSBAND after we got married. We’re still married and working on us in therapy. It takes commitment and clarity on the “why” to make any relationship work. I’m sure you know this. So there’s no right or wrong answer here, because it’s really up to the specific individuals. The biggest question is, do you love who she is? Mind, soul, body, spirit, etc. — do you love her core as a person? Can this just be a communication style difference? Or do you not like the ways that she thinks? (Her thought processes, values, etc.)

33. You’re making a very big commitment. Spending the rest of your life with someone. Its normal to feel those feelings of stress and doubt.

34. Have you had bad relationships in the past?maybe everything is fine and that’s what got you spooked

35. We need context and examples

36. I think understand what you’re saying. I feel anxious around my husband because he’s more logical and optimistic about things, but I’m an extremely sensitive and anxious person so sometimes I feel misunderstood and anxious around him. But, when I am having an anxiety attack he does have the ability to bring me back to earth a little bit so that’s a really good thing. Maybe you need to try and get out with friends more, I know I need to do that but I don’t do it enough. What do you think is causing you to feel that way?

37. If you are at all unsure, do not get married. Don’t ruin both your credit scores because you ignored your gut at this stage. Continue the counseling but make sure you communicate with her how you are feeling about the engagement at some point too.

38. Pre-marital counseling to get on top of a brewing communication issue is a great idea, I’m glad you’re doing it. Give it a few sessions to see if you’re getting somewhere, before you make any big decisions.

39. I think you need to explain a little better because you gave barely anything to work with here to help you and your relationship??

40. I think having a partner that thinks logically is a big green flag in this day and age. Do you maybe have cold feet? It’s more common than you think. Something like this can easily be resolved through thorough communication and honesty. It’s already a wonderful sign that the two of you are willing to participate in couples counseling, not a lot of couples make it to that stage.

41. Can you give situational examples so we understand how being a logical person in your case is a negative

42. Nerves are normal but if you think it’s more than that is time to use your words ;p

    Communicate!

43. Seems like you have a problem with the idea of marriage and the commitment that entails. I don’t think it’s suddenly an issue with the type of personality she possesses. You need to go to therapy alone as well. Try to figure out what is going on with your feelings and reasonings. If you don’t, you might just lose her and kick yourself later.

44. Walk away. Doubt will undermine you.

45. Sounds like cold feet big dawg.

    You can look into it and self-assess, or seek therapy. If after that you still feel this way, then maybe there’s more to it.

46. I’m the logical one in my relationship and before our engagement we talked about our individual expressions of love. I speak through actions more. He speaks more verbally about feelings. If he’s stressed, I ask how can I help? He knows if he gives me a task it will get done come hell or high water and I’ll try to add a romantic flair at the end.

    I can’t say ‘I understand ‘ when I really don’t or agree with everything he says because I view both sides of a situation logically. But he knows I’m with him now and always God willing. I wish you both the best!

47. I’m logical and literal (very data/science driven) but am a great advocate for unjust laws/policies etc., but my husband is the empathetic and sympathetic one that is very go with the flow and relaxed.

    We’ve been married for 10 years. We bring different things to the table and balance each other out.

    I think communication will be key here. You will have to be honest and vulnerable but she’ll have to have the ability to ACTIVELY listen.

    It’s going to take work but it’s worth it. Well, for us it has been.

48. It sounds like MBTI or 16 personality test where one of you is a T person and the other an F. I’d say it can work out, but you’ll need to communicate about how different you two can be approaching things. Try to read about MBTI, it might help you figure out and better understand yourself

49. I am like the F in this story; my wife is like the M. Phenomenal marriage coming up on 41st anniversary. You stop and respect the difference, understand how they should go hand in glove. No when to yield or when to assert based on the situation. I hope the traditional perception of gender roles isn’t creating the anxiety. Because the logical person is going to be a take-charge leader in situations and the EQ person will help that person avoid interpersonal messes or help clean up such messes.