I do not know how to put this without sounding weird so I had to make this throwaway account. When I (40F) married my husband, I was working minimum wage, trying to finish my degree, and was also being treated for sexual trauma from my past life. It was hard for me to work on my degree and the job so I quit.
I had always been financially independent and not being able to earn was very mentally crippling. He jokingly said, “You can be my personal “slut” and I will pay you.” It started as a joke and everytime we were intimate, he would give me money. Just a silly game!
I would be like “Really? I thought I was worth more than this.” He would then give more. He had the money back then and he knew what whatever he was giving me would be spent on the house anyways, with groceries and detergent etc so in the end, he would still spend the same to run the house but it was fun to do it that way.
It did bring us closer and in order to make more money, I had to spice up our sex life with lingerie and wigs and whips and other things I’d rather not mention. Bottom line is, we got really close. For him, it was also a power thing I guess that he could make me do what he wanted and for me too that I could extract money from him.
Then I got my degree, started a job and started to make good money. There was a period of prosperity in our lives and while I did not need the money, I still played. Then Covid happened. My husband lost his job and we became a single income home. I took care of the finances and it was not easy on him. He felt very helpless that he could not help. He did his best to do things around the house so that I do not have to work when I was home but I could tell that that role reversal was not easy. It was not that he was angry or envious of my job. He was very happy and grateful but he was hard on himself.
Sex also stopped. During the whole of Covid he never initiated anything because “free sex” after you have paid your wife was something he would see as charity sex. At my end, it would never be like that and I craved the intimacy and the sparks but I did not want to push it on him. It was not something he was taking easy so I gave him that time. I think we went without sex for more than a year while before Covid we would be a very sexually charged couple.
Now he had a business. It is not making as much as what I make because he has just started it. Businesses take time and this is only his second year. He has still made money but not what I make. We have been intimate but it does not feel the same. He no longer pays me or give me tips and joke and humor around the way he did.
I think there is a communication barrier now. How do I communicate certain things? “I would like you to pay me for sex like you used to.” I am not sure if this would be financially stressful because he is struggling financially in his individual capacity.
I do not want this dead bedroom to be the new norm. I would like to pull him out of this pit. Keep in mind that together the two of us still make more money than what we had when he was the only one working. We have plenty between us but I bring more so he blames himself on the inside for not helping as much.
I know it is weird but any thoughts and suggestions would be very helpful.
42 comments
So you want to be paid for sex am I reading that correctly?
Can you….flip the script? Tell him you are horny and in dire need of his services. That you tip well but he’s gonna have to earn it?
Stop exchanging money for sex. Find something else to spice it up.
Also, he needs to not feel like a loser because you make more money. Whether he needs to talk to a professional or maybe there is a friend in the same situation. There were times I made more than my husband, and he was my biggest fan.
Pay him for sex!! Switch it up!!!!!!!
People are so weird it’s fantastic!
Why don’t you give him money that he can then use to “pay” you
This doesn’t sound like a power issue, this seems more that your husband is suffering depression as a result of his job loss in covid and he’s still struggling now.
Something to consider
>I think there is a communication barrier now. How do I communicate certain things? “I would like you to pay me for sex like you used to.”
I think it’s time start a new game or incentive, imo. For me personally, this whole “joke” seems kinda bad, no judgment, I just can’t imagine having this kind of relationship with my wife.
I would try working on your intimacy, giving each other messages, foot rubs, specal treats as the ” payment”. I personally think this would a better alternative then money….
Did you post about this last month?
this isn’t a troll?
I personally don’t think switching it around and you offering him money is a good idea. I’ll think that’ll bruise his ego. I could be wrong, but I would think long and hard before doing that. You know him best.
Maybe bring up how “his little slut” has been lonely lately? If you play into the roleplay aspect of it and maybe lingerie, maybe that will help him feel more confident? It seems to be more about roleplay and power dynamics than the actual money, so it’s crappy people are trying to make that into a big deal. Don’t be ashamed- what you guys did works for you and that’s all that matters.
I think if you lean into your role, he will pick up on what you want. Or, you can do the really hard thing and sit him down and talk to him about it. Tell him you miss your “sessions” or quality time or however you want to phrase it. It’s not about the money, it’s about what happens, so if you tell him you would like to get back to that dynamic, hopefully it’ll open a conversation and you guys can talk more about it. Good luck. It’s crazy but sometimes having to vocalize problems or issues with a long term partner is just so damn hard. I don’t understand it. I go through the same stuff sometimes.
Could be that he’s into findom play of sorts (financial domination) and after playing into that kink for so long, he’s struggling and needing more to feel sexually satisfied or even connected. Depression may have ate at some of that creativity in the bedroom and kept him from figuring out alternative solutions.
It sounds like you are having sex/having sex again but less often and less enthusiastically?
If that’s the case, next time you have sex, really put in some extra effort, do it up dirty, then demand he pay you (in a seductive way). If you worry it will cause financial strain, alleviate that with the same scenario but by telling him you want your pay but you want him to pay you “the way you deserve” & “like the cheap slut you are”. Might jumpstart that process again, bringing back the spice but without stigma!
Keep us updated on how it goes if you can. Best to you two! 🖤
Say your paying for his “special talents” you can’t get elsewhere. He’d be a jigolow lol
Y’know?
I’d get dressed in some of that cool clothing, grab the whip, a $20., and stand in front of him. Hand him the 20, and tell him that you NEED his services NOW. No complaints. Just pony up now! Tell him that if he performs well, he can ask for reciprocating services at a cost of $20.00 and you will do his bidding.
Somehow sneak in that the same 20.00 bill is passed back and forth. It equalizes things, you can show him he’s desirable to you, and a “cue” for wanting sex is to produce the 20.
You might want to check for clinical depression, too. This often kills the libido.
But, personally, I will tend to do the “okay, I’ve had quite enough” SHOCK tactic, as I’ve described, and it has been successful for decades.
Oh my gosh wow. You taught each other to associate sex with money….. and forgot how to associate sex with love. I mean, since this is the dynamic you guys are comfortable with, there’s always Choreplay? What’s the least desirable chores ,- have him do those for sex with you. Like a payment I guess. (lol)
Have you put on the lingerie and wig and walked around the house.
Leave a trail to the bedroom with monopoly money… it’s silly, but it will make light of the situation. Try different things. Put a sex jar on the dresser in the bedroom…put some money in it. Could be monopoly money or real money. Try different things.
Sit down and ask him if he’s interested in making some money…tell him you have a few things that you need fixing around the house. Wink wink. Be playful and alluring. Make it hard for him to say no.
What are some of the things he likes… hide them and say there is a ransom on them. He will need to pay the Ranson first before he can get them back.
Order a pizza and tell him to deliver it to you.. like Make him ring the doorbell and wait for you to answer.. invite him in, and when the door is shut be standing there is a towel and a wig on and drop the towel.
There are a few things you can do to switch it up. It’s worth a try.
He needs to know you still want him and have desires. But it can’t be just plain he I want sex… he likes to have fantasys
This is definitely a BDSM power trip roleplay, Prostitute/Client roleplay. So, if the money isn’t available, try a different RL dynamic. You said he has a business, what about roleplaying his personal secretary or administrative Assistant, (Admin Ass)? Another thing you might be able to do, is draw money from the bank, put it into his wallet. My wife and I have a joint account, so for us, it would just go back into the account
Dude… that’s a bummer. As someone who has very frequent, tho comparatively vanilla sex I gotta say that’s pretty rigid. Do you guys enjoy sex with each other??
Dang… if you’re going to play silly games in the bedroom, but capable of being open and honest to discuss it outside of there. Your marriage is suffering on both ends, and neither of you want to open up about it. Be vulnerable and empathetic. Y’all want to make it work together!! Make sure you are empathize with the other’s feelings and would like to discuss ways to come back together!
It’s because he thinks providing for the family financially is the only way he can show you he is worthy of everything. So show him that he is valuable in other areas also other than that. Show him he is needed and that you need him. Help him by talking more and actually getting him to open up it’s a good start.
Be frank. “Look bro, I like sex with you. Your not giving me what I want and I am upset about it. I don’t have a problem, you have it, so what do you propose you do about it? You have 3 days to come up with something and we are going to talk about this again”
Create a price sheet for your services and give it to him. Put things on there maybe you’ve never done but would like to and things that you know he might be into. It’s all going towards bills and stuff anyways so instead of him paying for his bills you pay them from the money from that.
Just a thought to get him back into the groove.
Use Monopoly money instead. Or have him “pay” you and then just use it toward mutual expenses or give it back.
Try role playing? I’ve been watching too much Modern Family reruns but maybe that’s an option.
Also I hope he is treating emotional issues and don’t be afraid of therapy if needed! You can find sex therapists who will be covered under insurance as they bill it as individual therapy for anxiety/depression or whatever.
If it’s about domination, maybe you could spin it as ‘Sure, I have money, but I nobody else ****S me like you so that’s priceless” Something of that nature? Make it about him being so good that you can’t get it for any price elsewhere… Gives him some of that ego inflation he may need?
Why not keep a certain of money in the nightstand and after he gives it to you, you put it back. Lather, rinse, repeat. No financial burden and you get to role play as you both enjoy.
It sounds like you two used the money exchange as a way to communicate your needs. You just need to find a perhaps healthier way to do the same thing. Might be fun to try also
Start running a “tab” for him. Either the running tab can not work at all. Or it could be just what you’re looking for. He could see the amount and knowing he can afford it when he starts making good money again. Might be kind of hot to him to know he will have to pay you a lot of money. Even start charging interest after some time.
Can you be paid in something that’s not money?
Probably the most honest relationship I’ve come across 🙂
Flip the dynamic, get on top, pay him for the services 💀
Also, do check up on him, if he’s facing mental issues or sm 🙂
This is a nuanced problem. I’d confront it head on as a couple and a therapist and talk it out. Further down road his business could start doing well and he might want to start the transactional relationship again but you might hold on to resentment due to the dead bedroom situation for the last few years. Problems might snowball. Anyway, my two cents.
That’s a weird game. Have you tied paying him? He might make a good gigolo.
Now it’s your turn to pay him for sex.
Why don’t you guys switch to Monopoly money?
Just make him feel wanted, that’s all we want
I haven’t read all the replies here so I could be wrong, but it seems like it’s virtually 100% women commenting and, respectfully, y’all are missing the point. The payment was an extension of his “head of household” status. We LIVE for the ability to provide and care for our loved ones. Now that payment has stopped due to his end of the finances, it reinforces his fear that he is failing as a man, husband, father, and whatever other roles he serves in your household. That’s the point. Offering to pay him will only make that worse, so please don’t.
His self-worth is destroyed right now, not because you did anything, but because we derive a most of our worth from our ability to provide. Y’all need to have a real conversation, he needs to hear you tell him his masculinity and worth hasn’t dipped in your eyes due to the finances. Tell him how proud you are to have a startup founder as your husband, that you envy his brave decision to take the huge risk, and it turns you on that he’s attacking life like a savage. Tailor that to whatever the situation is, but in the end the goal is to help him see that he’s every bit the man, leader, and husband he’s ever been.
Once upon a time, when it freaked you out to be financially dependent, he found a way to make it fun, sexy, and positive for you. He needs you to do the same for him now, but in a way that lets him see himself on top of the mountain that is his household.
Source & Disclaimer: married 20 years, and if anyone wants to critique “toxic masculinity,” I don’t care. I’m just trying to offer a perspective that I hope helps OP out.
Empowerment is so attractive for some men. If you have done things that he liked that you will not name. I would say, join a club that is a BDSM or swingers. He may like control and denigrating a female. Maybe being dresses up and wearing a collar he may feel more confident and comfortable. Also buy a remote control vibrator that you can wear. Some of the places serve food and drinks. Also a game of pick me up at the bar may also be a turn on. Does he like when you dress up and wear heels?
Since this is a power play thing, where you are the “submissive” and he is “dominant”, maybe you can spin it like he needs to allow you to spend money.
For example, you want a new nail polish? Gotta suck dick for it. The way I’d present the idea is complain to my husband that I’m so bad at spending and need help to budget.
The idea that he controls even *my* money would add a level of hotness.
Two other ideas: use food, like.. if you wanted to eat a specific meal or eat at all, you have to do x,y,z for him.
You can also use sexual acts as a form of reward/consequence.
Example: You *really* wanna taste him but to get that reward, you need to edge yourself or put on a show.
Using orgasm for reward is very popular. Do something for him in order to reach climax.
Source: I’m a very kinky/smutty person.
How about you turn the game into a different game, say you both put in a small amount of money say $20 each and you say whoever gives the most pleasure to the other takes the lot, it might bring that spark back with him trying to prove he can pleasure you good and you trying to prove it to him
How about you set up a date/sex account (envelope or spot) where you can both put money for sexy time? You could both put money for when you want to be intimate. You could also use it for date night or for toys/kinks that you both might want to explore. The point is to let him know that your sex life is for both of you and you both should be able to contribute since you both enjoy it. It really sounds more like a kink in how both of you express it.
If you are both able to contribute it will take a bit of the burden off of him to fund everything himself. You may contribute more in the short term, but he should be able to fund more as his business grows.
Well well well, hmmmmmmmmmmm I’ve heard of many things but this is the first.
Seems more like Prostitution.. but he lasted a year without sex????????………………
I’m highly doubtful that he lasted a year without sex. I’d be Looking into that a little deeper. Keep these thought going… eventually you’ll find out the actual truth behind all of this…. Wish you luck
Make him feel sexually dominant and powerful without the financial transaction.
Granted the one making the has the right to say what they do with it. With joint bank accounts and such.. Our money is our money. I’m in a single income household. My husband is disabled and in a disability battle with no money. I have supported us for 6 years. My husband beats himself up, and that can lead to him being turned off, but he’s naturally highly sexually charged.
It sounds like your husband may benefit from therapy to be honest. It sounds like Covid threw him for a loop and he hasn’t bounced back yet. Feeling emasculated. Married sex isn’t about money, it’s about connecting. He liked feeling powerful. Make him feel powerful again. Idk how you would go about that, it depends on the individual. You either need to playfully bring him around in a sub/dom manner. Or have an adult convo and say hey what can I do to build you back up? Use monopoly money if he wants to play pay you like a prostitute. Or get some new bdsm toys and let him play master. Be needy. Act like you don’t know how to do shit. Show him all the reasons you need him.