Hi all.
I’ve (28M) been dating a woman (43F) for about two months. We met in a bar. In the beginning it was more lust-driven for me that I was attracted to her and wanted to date her. She said it was a bit the same for her. I had to force myself early on a bit to be interested in her and to get to know eachother. It wasn’t grand romantic love at the first sight. Opposite. But along the way we found out that we are actually surprisingly similar in terms of our values, our attitudes about life and the shared importance we place in an active, healthy life. And over the past weeks we started to really get emotionally closer and it started to feel like we could be in a relationship to me. I had a high level of admiration for her from the start, but I also started to really like her. At the same time however early on I thought we didn’t have good “conversational energy” and I didn’t really imagine myself to have a relationship with her.
She has made it clear that she is very much in love with me and more or less wants to be in a relationship with me. Even though she says it doesn’t have to be a relationship between us, she still wants to be exclusive with me.
Around the same time as I started dating 43F, a married woman 35F had been head over heels for me for about 1-2 months. Exactly on the day that I started dating 43F, 35F made an agreement with her husband to open their marriage and for her to have one date per month with me. She and her husband have two children. I really love her as well and we are super close to each other and we can talk about anything. We see each other on friendly terms twice per week and always have an amazing time. But because she is married and we only have one date per month.. I have never really allowed myself to fall in love with her all the way through. But she told me for her, it’s different, she sees us as being in a relationship with me whether she’s married or not. And even if it’s only one date per month.. The one date per month has tremendous emotional value for her. For me… I have feelings for her as well but there’s something that prevents me from allowing those feelings to come to expression. If she wasn’t married, I know I would be all over her. Now I guess I see our relationship more like a once-per-month FWB that I’m super, super close with.
Two days ago I was thinking about breaking up with 43F and was preparing to do so in my head. It made me cry the whole day and it gave me second thoughts. 1 week ago I also told 43F about 35F and because she (43F) started crying, I impulsively made an agreement with her to be exclusive from then on, but in my head I still needed time to think whether I really wanted a relationship. Last weekend 43F and I had a date and we had a really great time and I could see she was so incredibly elated to be with me. The thought of breaking her heart is crushing me. I am still picturing her being so elated from last Sunday and then I come around to break up… And of course the thing is that I realize I like her a lot as well…
I told 35F about this and she is devastated about the thought of losing me. She is already bracing for the worst even though I haven’t made a decision yet.
I have never been in a relationship before. Both of them know this. And I am struggling super hard to make a decision. I would like to have a bit of outsider perspective and some guidance in how to process my feelings and how to proceed.
TL;DR: I am dating one woman (43F) and another one I have a have a “half-relationship” is married (35F) is married. Both of them are in love with me. Hard. I love them both as well and I am having a super hard time choosing. I was thinking about breaking up with 43F because I always felt there wasn’t a very strong foundation on my side to have a relationship with her. (Not necessarily because I would lose 35F) But I am having second thoughts. Does anyone have some advice on how to proceed and make a decision?
Also I think if I didn’t know 35F, I would be able to commit to a relationship with 43F.
13 comments
I’ve been in a similar situation where I’m torn between people and they know about (and even know) each other. It wasn’t an easy situation for me even *with* prior dating experience; I can only imagine it’s a nightmare without.
Personally, I feel 35f needs to figure out her shit with her husband. She’s got 2 kids and she opened it up to be with you, it sounds like. That’s turmoil for not only you, but the husband and the kids. I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with that. If those parents aren’t 1000% secure with their relationship being open, it’s a can of gasoline and they’re playing with fire.
43f sounds nice and committed, but keep in mind you’re 15 years her junior so you may be in very different points in your lives, and if not now, then probably sooner or later. Be prepared for things that you might not have thought of. Like for one, the very act of informing her of your “choices” has probably sewn seeds of doubt into her mind, which breaks trust and is hard to regain. She’s also getting closer to the age where she may not be able to have kids, so keep that in mind as well.
Ultimately, the choice is yours but personally, I wouldn’t want to be the catalyst to a marital downfall, especially when kids are involved.
You clearly like the married one more, but you can’t commit to here even with the “arrangement” bc she’s married and throws you off.
And you had to force yourself to like the 43 y/o, and it’d only been 2 months. And panicked into an exclusive relationship that you clearly don’t wanna be in.
Break up with both and reevaluate what you want in a relationship.
Because you can’t commit to either – and they want to commit to you – so you’re being unfair to both by being one foot in, one foot out.
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Find someone your own age who is also single…
Possibility #3: choose neither. They’re both bad options. You’re not into 43F. 35F is not a real relationship.
Have you met 35F’s husband and is he aware of the open relationship?
I find it interesting that on the exact day you started dating 43F her marriage opened up.
You’re 28. Just go date other single, uncomplicated 28-year-olds lol
If you have to choose between two people, neither of them are right for you
were you and 43F exclusive?
Pick neither, stay single, get into therapy so you can figure out why you think you need to settle.
You can’t have what you want with 35F and you’ll just end up hurt or resentful. Bad idea. Trust me, i’m in a polyamorous relationship and a ground rule is not to have ongoing things with people who wish they could have more than we are able to commit – bc one of those relationships is definitely getting ruined, or both.
You don’t really seem to like 43F that much, so like… keep going if you want but it sounds like a bad idea generally.
Break up with both, date closer to your own age so there isn’t as much of an experience gap.
You’re like the person who has never ridden a bike tackling the Tour de France! Dude! Simplify.