I’m extremely introverted and uncomfortable around people. When people randomly start talking to me, which happens a couple times a year, I noticed I automatically end the conversation and get out of there as quickly as possible, the opposite of what you’re supposed to do, but I get so uncomfortable I can’t stand to prolong the interaction.
I got divorced 10 years ago and my husband was the main person I interacted with. It was devastating for me to lose him because he was basically my best and only friend. I haven’t made any friends or had any relationships since him.
The typical advice of joining clubs where I’ll meet people with shared interests doesn’t work because there are no clubs where I live except like the VFW and 4H for kids. I’m interested in left wing politics but the democratic party in my county doesnt meet in person since covid and they are all upper middle class who I, a poor person, feel very uncomfortable around. *added an edit about clubs
I don’t have a job, the only interaction I get with people is at the grocery store, doctors offices, or at restaurants with the wait staff because I go alone. I have a disability but a big reason I don’t work is how uncomfortable I am around people. I’ve worked many jobs in my life and couldn’t stand the pressure to fit in and always feeling like I’m being judged. I never made any friends despite having like 17 different jobs.
There’s a food bank near where I live where I’ve wanted to volunteer, but one of the other volunteers is really mean and I can’t stand her, so I have put it off. Also all the places where you can volunteer near me make you fill out an application and pay for a background check to be allowed to volunteer which I just find really off putting as I don’t think anyone should have to pay to work for free (it’s all just food banks, no reason to scrutinize people so much).
I’ve never made any friends as an adult and never really learned as a kid either. I had a couple friends in high school but they all pursued friendship with me. I didn’t do anything to make it happen.
I’ve seen several therapists about this and they tell me I’m just supposed to love myself and be my own friend to not be so lonely but I hate living like this. It’s so painful. I’ve asked for social skills training but they said i have plenty of social skills because I’m confident and relaxed in a therapy setting. I dont have a diagnosis of autism or anything. I have a lot of empathy and have a degree in psychology so no trouble understanding human behavior. I just have no confidence and am super insecure. I just think I need to be walked through, step by step, how to turn a random conversation into a friendship.
*Edit: there is an astronomy club that meets 40 minutes from where I live. I was really excited about it, I had built it up on my mind that this was a place I could meet people with similar interests and make friends, but when I went it was a huge let down. It was two people who worked at a university letting members of the public take turns looking through telescopes. That was cool to do, and I asked the people running it a few questions to try to interact, but it felt like they weren’t there to make friends. It was like it was just a public service thing they were doing, and I didn’t know how to talk to any of the other members of the public. That’s how attending events usually goes for me, I just feel very awkward and leave feeling very sad and discouraged.
9 comments
I know it’s not going to be much help for the in person bits, but how do you do with maintaining long distance/internet friendships? I was heavily isolated due to Covid, and had to finally bite the bullet and got into Social Media as a whole to branch out. Perhaps a good way to begin is to simply have a pen pal or two, or join a Discord and become a regular? Those are the things that worked for me. I hope that that helps, even if only a little. At the very least it may help you get used to sustained interactions.
I believe that actually making friends becomes much more complicated as one grows older. It seems to me that this is because interests also change, and in one way or another, we seek to have more ‘meaningful’ connections or those that align more closely with our matured interests or changing perspectives. You can continue trying to engage in activities and attempt to find someone with whom you can do something outside of them (it’s like a challenge) or try using some apps, as they are not just for dating but also for making friends. I don’t think this is very helpful, but I believe there are many more people in similar situations who were even more affected by the pandemic. Hopefully, you can feel a bit better about it soon, and if not, you can also find friends right here 😉
I’m going to save this because I need answers for this too. 🥰
If u like video games play an MMO, very easy to make friends
The best way to make a friend is to pick a spot where you can see the same people regularly, and then start striking up REGULAR conversations with them, each time you see them. The problem as I see it is that personal information needs to be exchanged in these conversations. (in a gradual manner, but still getting more personal as time goes on). So if you’re uncomfortable with these types of conversations, or aren’t that interested in knowing people’s information, then these things will feel like more of a chore to you.
It seems that the act of socializing is something that you inherently dislike, but at the same time you want friends. It’s sort of difficult to make those two thoughts mesh. That’s why sometimes introverts rely on family for their social needs, because there’s no requirement to have awkward or potentially uncomfortable conversations with strangers.
But that is the way to do it. Regular conversations, gradually revealing more information, and then inviting the person to do something one-on-one with you so you can get to know each other better.
I would love to be your friend!
If you have severe social anxiety like I did, this might help:
Visualize a fountain of love above the person you’re going to talk to’s head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of “oh no, how are they going to respond” focus on the fountain of love over their head.
Memorize:
-where are you from?
-where did you grow up?
-what do you like to do for fun?
-what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like
-what have you been up to
additionally memorize:
-what’s been the best part of your day so far
-what’s been the worst part of your day so far
-what’d you have for breakfast/lunch/dinner
(You can use the last 4 everyday.)
Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those.
Contribute information about yourself as well, and give compliments.
——–
(The reason you use memorized questions is because you don’t want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say – you want to have questions ready to fire off.
If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren’t insincere.)
Treat everyone as a friend, and don’t put them on a pedestal.
P.S.
Try it out on Bumble or Facebook Dating!
P.S.
You could also start a convo saying do you like:
Black Mirror
The Office
Big Bang Theory
Any TV show you watch
Etc.
sw club 🤷
I always make friends with people when we have hobbies in common. It’s never just a random conversation/small talk. If you can find ways to have fun, that will draw people to you and draw you to other people that do the same things for fun.
Honestly, if you aren’t having fun and doing interesting things; no one is going to be drawn to you to do stuff together. It’s not about saying the right things; it’s about doing the right things.
I often think to myself that the word attraction has the word action in it. I don’t necessarily mean just romantic attraction; but really… any kind. You do interesting stuff and people will find you interesting.
So you don’t have to answer me here of course, but it might be worth taking some time to think about what things you do that other people would be interested in doing, too.
Go on bumble, make a profile, and change to BFF mode. It is for making friends with other women.
Also play around with a separate app called meetup.