I’m not sure if this is the Reddit to be asking but basically here’s my problem. I’m someone who’s very methodical and rational but sometimes I can get stubborn and have very little patience. When I need to reiterate my point multiple times or when I point out all scenarios/points and someone still doesn’t understand I can get very frustrated. There are some members in my family when we talk it won’t be an argument at first; it would be just a disagreement. However when I feel like I’m making my points and they can’t counter anything, I will be frustrated and raise my voice and their response would be “why are you yelling”. I get really triggered when they say that because in my POV, they would say the most unreasonable things and they can’t defend their point so they just respond with me yelling as their defence mechanism since they can’t think of anything else to say. What should I say/do/act if this ever occurs to me again in the future?
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it would be very helpful for you if you could practice getting your point across without raising your voice. for me, i start tuning ppl put the second they start raising their voice (trauma related) if you don’t yell, they can’t tell you to stop yelling
Yelling doesn’t accomplish anything. Doesn’t make your arguments more valid or anything. There is never a need to yell at someone, so I think its reasonable your family members ask you why you’re yelling. It’s just unnecessary
The correct response imo would be “Sorry I didn’t mean to yell” and then carry on in a calm tone.
Just because you’re ‘methodical and rational’ doesn’t mean your explanations are easy to understand, especially if this is a frequent occurrence. People’s iq drop an average of 20 points when stressed, so calming yourself is the best way to be sure you’re thinking rationally. It’s hard to tell if when they ask ‘why are you yelling’, if they mean it to avoid responding properly, or if they were genuinely just confused as to why you are that upset. I mean, you admitted it yourself that you raised your voice, it’s a normal response to ask ‘why are you yelling’ if they thought it was a conversation of opinions. Not every disagreement is an argument or them trying to fight against you. It can be hard but you may have to practice being a listener. Just be sure to ask yourself two questions. ‘Is this a fact based discussion on their end/from their POV, or an opinion based discussion?’ Also ask yourself, ‘is there a chance I could be wrong?’
My mom used to say “This isn’t yelling, if you want to see what yelling is, let me show you.” to my super stubborn sister.
Now, I would not recommend that, exactly. But I would leave the room before it got to the point of raising my voice. Let them wonder where you are going. Or if they ask just say “I can’t keep saying the same thing, it is repetitive, if you don’t want to listen….” Come back with a cool head and try to explain again.
It’s a normal reaction. When you raise your voice at someone, even if it’s a nice chat, it’s a sign of annoyance and aggression. Of course people are going to ask you to tone it down. U may not notice, because you’re caught in the moment, your reaction to their words, your own words, so when most of the people you daily interact with tell you there’s a problem, then maybe there is and it costs nothing to fix it gradually.