I kicked a heroin addiction, was held at gun point, led police on a high speed chase, suffered brain bleeding from that crash; I don’t feel like I belong whatsoever. I feel so jaded by my past and angry that I feel I cannot communicate like other peers my age who are just turning the legal drinking age and are enjoying life. I feel like I am just lucky enough to have been accepted prior to difficult life events. I definitely want to do something with my education. I love learning. I am self-conscious to the point where I have been in the bathroom at college that administrators will ask if everything is alright in there. I do nothing but stare at the bathroom stall door and try to amp myself up to have the courage to go to class. I am terrified to attend classes. I feel like everyone will be able to tell that I am a “weirdo” by the way I simply exist. I feel awkward; I have to count my steps and think about breathing. I feel like if I had ways to cope, it would be easier to attend again. I worry about my colleagues judging me. Most people here are probably not up to their ears in court costs and legal battles because of their actions. Friends of mine have suggested dropping out when I explain how I feel in college with other people my age. I would love to be able to do something about this. I want to feel good enough to be around students and I feel like my past doesn’t allow that.
33 comments
You are in a deep dark hole. Keep clawing your way out. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I only want the best for you!
My son just started college but never had to contend with these challenges you had to face in your young life. The fact that you are there says so much about your perseverance to not let your past define you! Whether you know it or not, you are an inspiration to so many!!!! You deserve your place at that campus, son! Pick yourself up, and fight! No one knows your story, and no one knows the battles you fought to earn your place there! You got this! đź‘Ź
The college accepted you because you belong there.
Not everyone can get this far.
Also, other ppl are not paying attention to you like you think they are. They’re either focused on learning or something else, like what they’ll have for dinner tonight. If you get nervous you can try focusing on your laptop or notes. If you need to, just start jotting down your nervous feelings on paper and ppl will just assume you’re doing other stuff.
Don’t try to talk yourself out of this if this is what you want for yourself. You’ll want to justify leaving because it is the comfortable option. I obviously don’t know you enough to give a perfect answer/solution, so don’t expect one pls. I’m sharing my thoughts on this but take only the info that you feel helps you.
Have you ever heard of desensitizing yourself to things makes them more bearable? This very well may be the case. Remember, you’re here for YOUR future. Don’t let made up thoughts about what ppl MIGHT be thinking distract you. I know it’s extremely difficult and don’t want to compare my experiences to yours but the fact that you’ve made it this far makes me believe in you.
Most importantly, I’d suggest getting professional help because imo and experience, this is a professional level problem. I’d love for you to be free from this so if/when you’re able pls seek out help from others.
Good luck! Regardless of what happens, you’ll be okay.
Sometimes, it even helps to be honest and open about what you’re struggling with and what you’ve gone through, especially to professors or administrators if they’re concerned about you. If you’re struggling, you can explain why.
No one can see what you’ve been through (and so they cannot judge you for it, nor do they know how you feel even if you feel that way sometimes), and most people are only worried about themselves!
I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come. You are outstanding. I am sending you strength! huge respect!
The imaginary audience in a known physiological phenomenon. Try to remember no one is paying as much attention to you as you think they are. In fact many are probably too busy struggling with their own imaginary audience to notice what you are up to. It’s hard but keeping this in mind can help.
I’ll let you in on a secret, most people don’t notice you as much as you think they do. Everyone is a little different and has their own idiosyncrasies, and that’s what makes people interesting and different. Just act like you belong there and be yourself. Go to class, pay attention to the professors. You can keep to yourself until you feel more comfortable, but you can make eye contact or nod to people you recognize in your class on campus. Over time you have opportunities to interact amd build on that.
The more YOu think you don’t belong there, the more your peers will feel it.
Gotta learn how to swim before you jump into the deep end, be patient with yourself.
I assume your priorities are to learn at college. You don’t have to become friends with people. Finding some buddies to study will ease your anxiety because whenever a uncomfortable topic arises you can redirect the conversation to the studying material.
Know that in the long run you will feel better expressing your authentic self, I recommend you to start conversations by asking people questions and to talk just as much as is necessary to avoid coming across as an interviewer.
**Most importantly don’t overshare,** your peers don’t need to know that you were a heroin addict, that you were held at gun point or that you partook in a high speed chase
I have a lot a lot in common with you and my anxiety was once at a place like this. my advice to you, stop trying/wishing to function in the norm. stay in your own lane and if people don’t like that, that’s fine. you’ll find, a lot of people will like you for the authenticity. my life experiences, prior addictions, and fashion sense all stick out like a sore thumb and honestly i’m a very open book. someone i met the other day just told me how much they love how open, authentic, and different I am and how they wished there was more people like me. if your anything like me, you’ll first learn to accept being different and later love it. Also, just force yourself to do what you don’t want to and you’ll start to adapt. medication has also helped me a great deal.
My partner is about to start undergrad in his mid-30s. He’s 5 years sober, covered in tattoos, and feels like he has no business being at the school. But you know what? Fuck it. Everyone deserves to be there. I went to undergrad and grad programs with people from all walks of life. You all share a common goal of trying to learn and prove to yourself that you can do it. Be real and genuine and just keep trying everyday to show up for yourself, and really, that’s all people care about. You’ve got this.
Everyone is a weirdo, some are just better at hiding it. You’re good looking, i dont think people would reject you if you approached them and asked to hang out. Stupid decisions make good stories.
College is there for you. You aren’t there for it. You got in someway work to get to stay until you leave. Someone said something about eating elephants it’s a very good metaphor. Reminds me of Plato’s allegory of the cave. Don’t chain yourself to a wall to only watch shadows of what you want. Go out and Find out what the shadows are actually all about.
Look…. My son had paranoid delusions of hitting kids in the street while he was trying to go to college. He refused at one point to drive back from school. I told him to firstly, stop going to school and get his head right . I got him into therapy immediately and he was out of school for about a year. He still had work to do at the house but he spent a lot of time on himself to figure things out. Going back to school he started with online first! Now he’s back full time and working again. Here’s the deal- get yourself some healing time. Without it you will remain stuck in this place that you don’t want to be. Lean on the people you love and repay them by doing your best to be YOUR BEST!
I feel called to comment that this feels like THE BEST comeback story beginning I’ve heard! I can just see your life totally changed in 5 years and speaking on stages about this part of your story and how it got you to where you are at!
We all feel awkward and we all have done stuff that we aren’t very proud of. But we are all human, we forgive ourselves and move on. Be gentle with yourself and learn to love yourself. Start slowly, come out of the stall and sit in the hallway. Listen, I am so proud of you for coming this far, kicking heroin’s ass!!!! And I don’t even know you!!!!! ….you are not a weirdo… what is the definition of “normal” anyways? It means different things to different individuals… besides, normal is freaking boring if you ask me. Be you, be authentic and be proud of your accomplishments! Don’t listen to your negative thoughts! Literally tell them to F* off! You are much stronger than the majority of people. All you need to do, is to see it and believe it. Listen, you got this! You are doing amazing… just don’t give up. Push thru, 1 minute at a time if that’s all it takes.
Check if your college offers a free mental health service. Some professional to help you alleviate your anxieties.
Do you have counseling/therapy services at your college? I’d suggest attending them if so. If you already have mental health therapy outside of college, one or two sessions with the school service may still allow you to learn about school coping strategies and available accommodations.
I had some PTSD from teenage stuff in college and i really wish I’d addressed it sooner. It interfered with my school performance a lot. If you have the option to take a lighter course load (like half or 3/4 time) while also getting therapy I think it could help. Or get accommodations from the disability services office.
Given all you’ve experienced, you have made a huge leap in furthering your life. Keep going.
I was self conscious about being away from home and in college, in a new place with new experiences. But college isn’t like high school or your old life. People may not notice what you’re noticing. There are weirdos everywhere and that’s why it’s ok to be yourself no matter what. It also may not be a bad idea to join some campus activities or groups. It may help get you out of your shell.
Baby steps. You’ve gotten this far: made it to college and began pursuing an education. It’s a big leap of faith but a courageous one. Don’t listen to your friends because they don’t determine your future: you do.
There are likely on campus services that can help you address these anxieties you feel.
You’re already doing great. Keep going!
I’m glad to see everyone in the comments being supportive. Don’t forget that in general, people want to see you succeed. I wish you the best of luck with everything
Try “drunken style”. Just go to class like you can’t be bothered by anybody but the teacher.
At my darkest points, I isolated myself because I felt like it was hard to bring up my bad day after hearing someone complain about their nail lady. It’s better to not compare, but it’s hard not to when someone asks you how your doing and they can’t even conceive 1/10 of what’s being said because they are not in that place in life. Also, most people want to bypass pain and not even address it; if you are vulnerable enough to admit this here and to others, you are stronger than you realize and on your way to healing. People’s opinions and thoughts DO NOT MATTER. Thoughts in general hold as much power as you give them. Once you realize how stupid 95% of your own thoughts are, it’s easier to accept everyone else’s thoughts of you are bullshit too.
You are not alone in your deepest despair, it’s just hard to find people strong enough relate in bearing with suffering everyday.
You sound like you could use the help from a counselor. Don’t feel bad about that. It’s a tough time for a lot of people. Feel free to DM me your college and I’ll get you in touch with a school affiliated counselor.
It’s binary. IT’S EITHER OR. Either u do or u don’t. Either u get a degree or u don’t. You’ve gotten this far but there’s no sunk cost. You could say fuck it and try to start over, its no moral crime. Or you could grit through it and tell yourself everything other than the truth that you attended college and got your degree is just noise, and will be a memory. When you possess the degree and carve out a future that you control, you’ll laugh at how weak you thought you were.
Things change.
I’m not sure if you’re into manifestation, but please look up; “everyone is you pushed out” on YouTube, by Sammy Ingram. Or if you have Spotify, look up “your manifesting bestie podcast” by flora szivos, “everyone is you pushed out” I’m telling you. If you think you’re… a loser, everyone will think so. If you think you’re everyone’s favorite person, then you are. If you call yourself ugly, you will become ugly. Look up Dr. Emoto’s water experiment. Our bodies are made up of 70%? Water. So this applies to us aswell. Things will get better for you, keep on going.🤍
You need therapy and counseling. Randos commenting on a Reddit post will not help. You are obviously going through a very difficult time in life. The school should have free mental health/therapy resources if money is an issue
Dude. You kicked heroin. You fucking did it!!! Congratulations!!! I’m so proud of you and the fact that you are still here. I’ll tell you one thing, being weird is the best part of life. “Normal” is a social construct – create your own normal. I also had massive panic attacks throughout college. It gets better, and you find your groove even if it’s a unique one.
Seriously though, I really hope you know that this random person is really proud of you and wishes you well. Count your steps, take your breaths, you can do this.
A few years ago, my college experience was very similar to yours. I’d drive to school, park, and then not be able to get out of the car. I would try to make myself go but mostly, I just couldn’t do it. I ended up failing a few classes. Switching to online classes was a MAJOR changing point for me. I don’t think I would have graduated without them. If you have the option to learn remotely, I highly recommend it.
You say you like learning, I suggest you to interact with your professors more often!
This is anxiety and it is perfectly normal. Your focus is on being stable, not happy. If you’re stable you can go to class and go through the motions and get your degree. Focus on stability.
Repeat after me: we are all on our own journey. You deserve to be there as much as anyone else. DO NOT DROP OUT.
This is my mom voice, as someone much older who did drop out: stay the course. You can do this. You’re smart and you want to do this. Our minds naturally flow to what is comfortable. Comfortable is laying in bed all day and not going to school. You need to slowly incorporate new habits into your day to keep going. Your friends mean well but you need to listen to yourself. You know you have unlimited potential and dropping out will cut it short. Fly my dear.
This is gonna sound odd but start taking magnesium Glycinate. It’ll probably help with the anxiety your having once the anxiety level goes down you should be able to cope a little better.
Crazy what a privilege it is to even be able to go to college and people like myself (at the same age) who didn’t do half that shit couldn’t afford to attend or stay.
You need some objective comparison friend… from someone whose hit Rock bottom through no fault of their own preferably.
Other people have probably said it, but the thing I loved about college is the ability to blend it. (In the nicest way possible) nobody cares about you. Depends on the size of the college too I guess, but still. Go to class, go to the library to do work, go home, are all things most people do alone in college (I did).
Everyone’s worried about their own shit, and if they do chose to judge you, it’s an easy way to check people off your potential friend list. Be your own bestie and focus on you and I’m sure you’ll stumble into a friend or two on the way.
First thing you learn in recovery is “TO GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK” look how far you’ve come!! Instead of feeling less then others, you should feel like you fucking made it!! And most those kids that your so worried about being judged by couldnt have done what you did and live to tell the story! Hold your head up!