My (27m) girlfriend (29f) of 2 years works a job where she could get called to respond to emergencies. We both work similar jobs, but have very different schedules. Last night I worked a 16 hour shift (woke up and left for work at 4:00 AM, and didn’t get home until 11-12ish AM that night.)
Some time around 8pm she got called into work. The emergency was a really bad one, which I will not discuss for obvious reasons. It was something that really got to her, and she wasn’t emotionally able to communicate with me at the time of me asking her what had happened. I made several attempts to communicate, and try to help, but she often shuts down with these kind of things. It resulted in her not coming home til around 3:00 AM. Throughout her call, I had kept in contact with her through text until I got home, and had to go to sleep myself, so that I could be up for 4:00 AM. She even told me herself that she would be getting home super late, and wanted me to get some sleep.
So, yeah, around 3:00 AM she gets home, and I am knocked out. She accidentally turned on the lights which briefly woke me, and apologized. She got into bed, and I quickly fell back asleep.
An hour later i woke up, got ready for work and left. I texted her to let her know I safely made it to work as I do every morning. At some point she texts me back telling me that she was bothered that I didn’t check on her when she got home. I again asked her what happened, and she responded saying that if I cared I would’ve asked again. I explained to her that I was giving her space to process things, as I was under the impression that she needed time, before wanting to talk about it
When i got home we got into a fight. She told me that I am unsupportive, which i disagree with. I don’t understand how I am unsupportive… I guess I’m unsupportive, because I didn’t wake up and talk to her when she got home, despite just being awake from 4am to 12 at night? And then having to be up in an hour after her finally getting home? I feel like she isn’t being fair to me, especially considering that I did make attempts to communicate with her, to which she shut down. I understand that something bad happened, but i also cant help when I attempt to do so, and I’m not met half way. Am I unsupportive? Am I a bad boyfriend? Am I really wrong?
TLDR: My girlfriend thinks I’m not a supportive partner, because I didn’t wake up to talk to her at 3:00 AM.
8 comments
I’m with you on this one. I’m guessing a medical field as these kinds of schedules are not unusual.
Support does go both ways, and waking you up to avoid those four hours of sleep between work and your next shift would be a lack of support in my mind. You did try and talk to her and I’m sure if she’d said nothing, you’d have checked up on her when you were both home and not dead tired. It’s easier to be a supportive listener when you’re alert anyway.
You also can’t read her mind and if she’s pissed that you didn’t disregard her reticence to talk when you asked, that’s not your problem. Part of being supportive is also knowing when you need a little space and saying, “I cannot talk now because it’s three AM and I need to be up in an hour,” is a reasonable boundary for you. It’s not a no, it’s a request to talk later.
None of this would have been a problem if she hadn’t made it one.
You don’t interrupt someone who is sleeping to be your emotional support pet, especially for someone else’s emergency.
There’s being supportive, and there’s giving up yourself to be supportive. And this example makes it sound like she expects the latter.
**However** … the type of sleeper I am, if something woke me up at 3am when I would’ve been waking up at 4am, I would’ve just started my day early.
But you know what you need to get by in life, and you and your partner need to communicate that. Is it likely at all that your girlfriends current mood is a stressed overreaction – she had a very stressful situation, she needed someone to care for her, and when she didn’t get it she’s pouting … and in a day she’ll come around to say “sorry” and then y’all can talk out what is normal/expected?
Tbh it seems both of you are overworked. Not gonna pick sides, she might be irritable because of that, of course it doesn’t justify her accusations but I’d recommend you to not “keep score” on this one and once enough time passes (like a week or two) get back to the subject.
You don’t specifically say how often this happens, but it sounds like it has happened on other occasions. If your girlfriend requires this level of emotional work from you (and I mean in general, not just the checking in with her again when she gets home)to feel okay, she needs to look for another career.
If she exhibits this amount of neediness and sensitivity in other contexts, I think that reflects a general immaturity and she should probably explore therapy.
You were supportive. She’s just trying to pick a fight. Sorry to say, she doesn’t respect you.
Your GF is using you, as a way to blow off steam. She is picking fights over small things, because she isn’t coping well. She needs to work on that.
I don’t think that you’re being unsupportive. I also feel for your girlfriend who sounds like she doesn’t have the chopping mechanisms in place to process her work, relies on your for it, and is getting overwhelmed because you’re (rightfully) not at her beck and call.
I think you both need a good discussion on a day off when you’re well rested. Try to raise the issue without using blaming language. (Eg don’t say “you’re being unreasonable with what you expect of me” but more “I’m doing my best to support you but it seems to me like you’re still having a rough time at the moment”.) Let her share her views. Brainstorm strategies together but don’t make promises you can’t keep. You can’t always promise to be awake for a chat when she gets home but you could text her a time you’ve set aside so she can discuss things with you? You might need to get to sleep but can leave a little care package/dinner out for her so she can still feel your presence caring about her? More date nights or quality time so she feels actively like there’s positives in her life? Would it help her to have your vocalise how much you love her?
Things like getting angry about dishes sounds like she’s just generally getting to the end of her tether. These are signs she could be experiencing burnout. Finally, hard as it may be to bring up, you need to encourage her to look into ways of coping independent of you. Is there workplace guidance or counselling? Are there strategies she could read into (eg I work in A&E and after a shit shift go through a metal checklist to help us acknowledge what was awful and try let it go so home time can be used to rest and recharge)? CBT workbooks or journalling exercises might help her shirt through heavy emotions as well.
It’s really important for her to have a support network BUT you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. It doesn’t sound too me like you’re selfish based on what you’ve written, don’t let your boundaries get stomped.