First off, I apologize if this is graphic or overly descriptive… an T/W for rape.
I’ve never been a particularly sexual person, it’s almost always for my partner’s benefit when I do have sex. I’ve toyed with the label of asexual my entire life. My girlfriend and I were broken up for a while, and during that time I ended up being raped by a women. It took a long time to come to peace with what happened being rape, and I had friends tell me that men can’t get raped and that I must’ve wanted it. I swore off sex and any intimacy entirely for some time. My gf and I are back together, and I told her I wanted an open relationship which she agreed to. Now, I didn’t want to have an open relationship for MY benefit, but to satiate her high sex drive without having to have sex.
This has been out dynamic for a few months now, and I started to get kind of excited at the idea of my gf sleeping with other people. I’ve never been into cuckolding before, but whenever I come home from work and hear her tell me about her encounters, I’d feel soo shitty. What kind of man am I that I can’t even please my girlfriend? As shitty as it made me feel about myself, i had never been more aroused in my life.
On top of all of that confusing shit, I’ve found myself fantasizing about being dominated, beaten, and even raped by a women. I’ve never been with a dominate woman (consensually) and the experience of being raped was so traumatic for me I almost killed myself, so I don’t understand where all of this is coming from.
I’ve spitballed the idea of my girlfriend dominating me, and she is not interested. She is a hard sub, and feels like the desire to be submissive is coming from an unhealthy place, and that even if she were willing she would be concerned about retraumatizing me.
I need advice, I don’t want to be a cuckold, but I don’t want to have sex. The idea of sex scares me after what happened, but the idea of being raped again gives me very conflicted feelings that I don’t understand. I know I should see a therapist, but I don’t think I could tell anyone about this without the vail of anonymity
1 comment
You’ll want to seek therapy, this is heavy.
> I’ve found myself fantasizing about being dominated, beaten, and even raped by a women. I’ve never been with a dominate woman (consensually) and the experience of being raped was so traumatic for me I almost killed myself, so I don’t understand where all of this is coming from.
Anecdotally, and without **any credentials at all**, I believe some of this is typical in the aftermath of what happened to you, you need to work it out with a professional.