Hi. My gf (19F) and I (19M) and I have been trying to have sex for a while now, but it’s just not happening. We’re both virgins. Every time we try, it just… doesn’t go inside. Most of the time, it just bends back out, which I think was because I was not hard enough (thanks to my best friend anxiety), but the other times I was at least 90% hard and it still wouldn’t go inside. She doesn’t finger herself either (only sticks to clit stuff) so she’s also not sure what’s going on.
Two tries ago, we wanted to check if she might potentially have vaginismus. But my finger went in smoothly (with some lube) and she thought it felt great. So we’d ruled out that possibility, and thought that we’d just been trying the wrong place all this time. But last time, we tried again (without lube, but after some oral), and she’d start feeling pain when my finger was just half-way inside. So, now we’re again not sure what’s happening.
My theories for what’s happening are:
1. I’m not hard enough
2. I can’t find the right spot
3. She’s not turned-on/wet enough
4. There’s not enough lubrication
5. Any combination of the above
Anyone have any advice? It’s getting frustrating at this point, that I’m not able to do the one thing every human body is designed to do. It’s started affecting my self-confidence. How do we overcome this?
3 comments
Sounds to me like your both a bit insecure about penetration.
You are worried your not hard enough, she might be a little scared of how its going to feel, and thus she might be contracting muscles.
Look up the “Eagle Position” this position it is easier to play with her, or her playing with herself while you penetrate, and because of how legs are placed her vagina will be far less tight than many other positions.
If you aren’t sure if you’re hitting the right spot, look and use your hand to get yourself lined up properly. Remember that women have two holes right near each other; the urethra (where the pee comes out, do not try to penetrate this) and the vagina (where your dick goes). The smaller top hole is the urethra.
But that’s kind of unlikely to be the real problem. It sounds like the big one is anxiety.
The main thing to remember is to go slowly. Even women who masturbate occasionally will not necessarily be used to putting things inside their body. It is a new and unfamiliar sensation that they have to get used to. After doing a bit of foreplay, try putting one finger in. Let it sit there, let her get used to the feeling of having something inside her. Have her try to clench down on your finger with her muscles. This helps in two ways; actively using a muscle makes you more aware of it, which then helps you to relax it, and using a muscle tires it out which also helps with the relaxing. Do a few cycles of clench, breath, relax with one finger inside. Try slowly sliding the finger in and out, let her get used to the feeling and see if the motion is slippery enough or if you need to use some extra lube. Try a second finger. Same process, go slow, let her get used to it, do a few cycles of clench, breath, relax. Maybe gently play with her clit a little bit so she’s having good feelings along with the feeling of penetration. Slowly roll your fingers around inside her, wiggle them from side to side a bit to help stretch her out. Do a few more cycles of clench, breath, relax, but this time, when she relaxes, spread your fingers to help her stretch. Do this a few times till she gets used to it. At this point, if she’s lubed up enough, you can try to use your penis.
Remember though that piv sex isn’t the be all end all; you can both feel good in other ways. If you’re having trouble and it just isn’t working out, it is okay to stop! Maybe cuddle and kiss a little bit so your adrenaline can wind down and everyone relaxes more, **take some deep breaths**, then try again. If it isn’t happening, that’s okay! You can try again another time. In the meanwhile, you can both enjoy giving each other oral, or masturbating together. Try to de-escalate this as an issue, be okay with it not working and have a plan if it doesn’t. The more worried you are about failing, the more likely you are to fail. :/
Be kind, be safe, have fun!
1. Make sure she is turned on enough. Eg Massage. Oral.
2. Finger her
3. Make sure Yr hard enough. If Yr not masturbate. Either she can give you a hand/blow job or even you can do to yourself. I don’t mean sit off in the corner and pull one off. I mean like just tug a bit while touching her.
3a. – put on lube/condom
4. When Yr both ready. Ask her to guide you. She can place Yr penis right by her vaginally entrance. Then hold close to the tip. Like just below the head. Not the base. Then gently push from Yr hips. You should slide inside.
5. Once the head is in. Pause. Then push a bit more. Slowly. Watch her reaction. Ask if she OK every now and then.
6. Once Yr all in. Pause again. Stare in her eyes. Touch her body. Then pull out. Not all the way. Then slowly back in. After it goes in and out slowly. You can speed up. Not from 0 to a hundred. Just little by little. In and out. Faster and faster. Making sure she’s OK. And it’s all smooth and it feels lubricated.