Recently, I’ve noticed that every conversation I have with my husband feels like trauma bonding. When he calls me to ask how my day has been, all I do is talk about the tiny, insignificant things that happened to make my day feel exhausting. After that conversation, I almost always realize like – wow, why did I just vent to him for a solid four minutes about things that shouldn’t be making me this irritated or this tired? And then the cycle continues. I just got off the phone with him, and I did it again! At the start of the call he always sounds so excited to talk and by the time we get off of the phone, he sounds drained. I’m trying to be more vigilant of doing it, and I know that it’s because he’s my safe person and I have been going through a hard time – but I know this isn’t great for our relationship. He hasn’t said anything about it, and I almost wish he would! Surely he notices it too.
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Sometimes I feel like the only conversations my wife and I have are me listening to her complain about whoever\whatever thing pissed her off today. When she asks me how my day is going im so exhausted I just say it was OK. When we were in marriage counseling the counselor told her she had 10 mins a night to vent and she had to end it, that lasted a week or 2. I understand my wife has bad days and is stressed out but its not fair to turn your spouse into a therapist for the rest of his life.
Simple fix, no complaining on the phone – voice or text. Tell him that’s the rule, that you need his help in enforcing it. Secondary to that, limit general bitching about life to 10 minutes when you are face to face, bonus if you also wait a few hours after he/you get home to do it. Eventually you will find that if you can’t immediately dump bullshit on one another that you self-filter what is and isn’t worth holding onto to complain about.
How many friends do you have? If there aren’t many, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you need to spread it around? Or maybe you need to develop another coping mechanism to deal with your frustrations.
Oh yeah my wife does this when she’s stressed and just unloads while I’m at work for like 5 -10 minutes straight.
Then just about every day I get home from work, as soon as I say ‘hi’ she goes on and on about how her day sucked.
I do this too. I’ve tried really hard to focus on the positives, and I consider myself a negative person. But I was doing this to my boyfriend and I’m making a serious effort to stop.
fucking journal that shit and treat your spouse like someone you respect
Husband here. Yes, he notices. Good for you for calling yourself out. That’s a great level of self awareness.
I eventually had to be the bad guy and flat out tell my wife that I couldn’t take the constant venting and negativity she’d unload on me after a tough day at work. She had a high visibility, high stress job where she had to land large construction projects with a clueless micromanager for a direct VP coupled with a wishy washy CEO and BoD.
So for months I’d get the dump when she came home.
It was a tough conversation, but I couldn’t handle the same complaints about the same people for weeks at a time. I didn’t ask her to completely stop talking to me, hey, I’m her husband, I want to be there for her, but she agreed to do her best to limit them.
I think you’re in a good spot in that *you* yourself recognize the issue and want to change. It isn’t coming from pushback from him (yet). I think the main thing is to talk to him (when you’re not venting) and ensure he knows he can give you a little pushback when it gets too much for him. Ensure he can safely do that without it being a referendum on the relationship. Maybe he’s fine with it! Maybe he’s hesitant to push back.
Read the book a complaint free world. Will change your life
You can, though! This is great to recognize. I’d just bring up to him and be like hey, I really am not just like, negative and depressed all the time. It’s just that when I talk to you you’re my safe place to dump, so that’s what I do! But I’m going to try to focus on the positives more.
Then do that! Put reminders in your phone to focus on the positives, to tell your husband something positive about your day. A couple years ago, my wife said she realized that she had so many positive thoughts about me throughout the day that she rarely shared, so she started just sending them to me! She’ll be like, “I was just out in the yard and was feeling so appreciative that you make it such a nice space! Thanks!” or “I was just remembering last night and got the shivers… you’re the best”. That kinda thing. It’s been great tbh.
First of all – extreme kudos to you for seeing this, understanding it, and trying to find some balance. Sharing the things in our life that effect is – both good and bad – is an essential part of a relationship, but trauma dumping is definitely going to drain him.
Being able to put your emotions into perspective and deal with them on your own (essentially mentally editing a “rough draft” of your day before you take it to him, cutting out the parts that you don’t really need to bounce off of him) could help, as can journaling (sometimes you just need to “get it out”, and getting it on paper will do just as good as telling him).
You can definitely handle this! You’ve got a great attitude and stellar self-awareness.
So real. Glad you’re conscious enough to see it.
All I can say is, congrats to you for realizing what you are doing and what it affect it has on your husband, and on you. My wife does this and has a knack for doing it at the least opportune time possible, like I’m rushing out the door to get to work when I’m late and all of a sudden she has to tell me a bunch of really stressful things which are not really that big of a deal.
Getting support from your spouse for things that are bothering you is a basic aspect of a relationship but it has to be something that ultimately works for both people.
So I’m not sure how we came to this arrangement without actually talking about it, but for my wife and I it seems to work. I call her during our lunch break. Usually with around 10 or 15 minutes left. By that time, I’ve been at work for 6 hours, so I’ve had some bs happen that I need to vent about. After just the 10 minutes, I feel much better and the afternoon goes by fairly well. Later in the evening at shower time (she showers first then I jump in right after) she gets to vent while I’m waiting for my turn. Again, 10 or 15 min. Now she feels better. (She waits till kids are in bed so they don’t have to listen to her unload about the idiots at work.) We do still have minor gripes that we rant about randomly, but this 10 or 15 minute vent period we each get let’s both of us get it out, and then we feel better.
Good on u for noticing. Im on the other end and it can be exhausting – we r barely keeping our own shit together tyvm. Especially if ur doing that “I just want to vent don’t try to solve it” bs. Do that in ur journal.
A different technique might be start thinking of him as a sounding board for solutions. “Hey remember that problem I’m having? I’m thinking about doing …. what do you think?”. Ur heard, they get to help. People love that shit.
I think the fact that you recognize it puts you in a better position than most.
Now you just have to address it with him. He’ll probably say it’s fine… but if it bothers YOU then that’s something you can work on. It can only strengthen your relationship. And it shows you respect and care for him. I think that’s great.
Communication and appreciation is my mantra for the day. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I’m really working towards these two words as me and my love prepare for a huge shift in our relationship dynamic. It goes a long way.
He’s your person.
Try to throw some things you love about him in there. He is excited because he misses his wife.
I think it’s great that you are self aware enough to get that you do this tho ! Seriously, so many people believe that marriage means that your spouse is your forever dumping ground, therapist, shoulder to cry on at any time and advice giver.
A perk of being married is definitely that your best friends lives with you, but marriage isn’t an excuse not to work on yourselves independently, because YES, constant venting and complaining to your SO will cause him stress.
My husband does this to me too, he just did it today. He called me and just started in about how much work he has and money issues and how tired he is etc. Then he was like ok I’ll let you go! Lmao I was like HANG ON, do you realize what you just did to me here? I was stressing about my own stuff and I get this call from you that was all stress and all one sided. Then I just felt stressed the whole day. I’ve asked him to wait 5-10 mins before he calls me after something stressful happens just so that I don’t have to take the full brunt of it.
We both have kids we are both stressed. Sometimes neither partner is less stressed and able to take on the other one’s problems.
It’s great that you’ve noticed. I mean that.
I’m, unfortunately, notorious for high stress jobs with unhappy people. I dumped all the time.
I wasn’t just looking for support, but I realized that I was looking for something to have in common with him. He and I could talk about that whatever thing. The problem was that it wasn’t a shared experience.
He’s also notorious for getting wound up about current events and politics. We’re Canadian. It’s been interesting, around here. The problem was that it was negative stuff, driving me crazy too.
We were driving each other crazy. So … I instituted a “what’s your GOOD thing, today?”. Which gets us thinking and talking about something positive.
A funny video, person, animal … just both making the effort to get away from negative stuff all the time.
It helped.
Lots of good advice here, I just wanted to add: good on you for the self-awareness needed to recognize this issue. That’s most of the battle, honestly.
i do this a lot too. more so when i was working at a very toxic job, not too much now. it can just be so easy to tell them every little thing that pisses you off but then it is like their burden now and that sucks.
Journal it all out! It helps you. It doesn’t burden him.
Can I recommend writing down the little annoying things that happen as they happen and then tearing up the post it or whatever you wrote it one and throwing it away? Writing stuff down can help to alleviate the feelings you’re dealing with, and throwing it away can be a nice symbolic way to get rid of that negativity and move on from the annoyance without it affecting you anymore. It’s something that I find helpful.
Maybe I’m alone in this but I don’t mind my wife venting or complaining. Because I damn sure don’t like me venting to her. But I second what a lot of people have mention either set a timer and ask your husband to hold you to it. Or journal the hell out of it.
He definitely notices, but what is he going to say? I go through something similar and when I do point it out, she gets upset because she feels like she “can’t talk to me.” It’s good you’re self aware – the next step is doing something about it. Vent to a family member or friend. Try journaling. Maybe therapy just to get it out.
In my experience… I do want to be my wife’s ‘person’ and be supportive and in her corner. The problem comes when it is about things that I have no influence over. And when it is a repeated topic multiple days/weeks/months in a row. I’ll be honest that it had gotten to the point that when I get text from my wife while at work, I immediatly have a stress response – bracing myself for what negativity it will be.
Over time, this erodes the relationship. For example, not too long ago she texted that she wanted to quit her job because she is overwhelmed by the amount of work she had to do in the next 2 days. She has said things like this before, and it always ends up being far less work than anticipated, and she doesn’t quit. I know she is stressed and probably doesn’t mean it ever, but over time it has the impact of me knowing I need to not take her seriously when she says things. *Which is a problem when a real issue that needs to be addressed comes up*
I’m a supportive, loving partner, but let me tell you that the 10th, 50th, 500th time you have to have the same conversation listening to the same complaints, it gets really old. Not only that, it is clear that it doesn’t matter what I say (of course this is assuming I’m being supportive, etc – it would be a different story if I agreed or said anything neutral or negative). So, basically from my perspective it seems like she doesn’t actually care about my opinions on things. I know intellectualy that is just about her own feelings and perspectives, but frankly what is the goal of complaining to someone. Especially someone you don’t intend to actually have a conversation with (and yes I am keenly aware that most of the time they just want to vent, not get solutions).But to do this day after day…?
I guess my point is that it is very emotionally draining as a partner, and as bad as it sounds it does make us more hesitant to talk to you since we’re worried it will just open a can of worms and be a barrage of negativity.
None of this would be a real issue except it becomes hard to show love for someone who is focused on the negative, or becomes part of a negative point in your day. Especially if that person (you in this case) doesn’t do something to change the subject, shift the mood, and do something that *shows* appreciation for your partner. Notice I said show, not say.
So.. in short, vent to someone else or find another way to manage your stress if you’re worried about being overly negative (and you’re right to be worried).
Apparently this is super common which is comforting because my wife complains constantly about everything and I’ve certainly had to address it with her. She slips back into it and I tell her when she does. Sometimes she gets defensive but I think she knows she is doing it.
As the recipient of many calls like this, it’s really exhausting and demoralizing to hear stuff like this. There’s also the subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) implication that some of this stuff is my fault. I try to steer the conversation to more positive things, but it’s hard to deal with a constant stream of negativity. Please discuss this issue with your husband and try to find a way for you to vent in a healthier way.
Yeah. I wish some women and men wouldn’t do it. It’s so annoying and what friends are for.
Honestly talk to him and admit you realize that it’s a problem and you wanna change!
You’ve got plenty of advice so I’m just chiming in to say that what you are describing is not the definition of “trauma bonding” and I wish the internet would stop incorrectly using the phrase.
“Trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.”
You sound like my wife to a tee. I don’t even want to talk to her anymore!
I feel this on a deep level. Sometimes everything out of my wife’s mouth is negative, and they are over small, insignificant things. I try to go by the rule if you aren’t going to remember it in five years, don’t give it more than five minutes. But she just sucks the joy out of so many things by focusing on the negative, even when we are on expensive, amazing vacations in wonderful places.
Overall we are blessed, own a home, make lots of money in rewarding jobs, but you would never guess it by listening to her. And when I try to convey to her that we should just be more positive because we are blessed, she gets pissed at me. It’s reassuring seeing someone say their marriage counselor gives her 10 minutes to vent. That’s the way it should be. If you focus on the negative you are going to be negative and have a negative life.