I (37 M), along with a lot of others, have noticed there’s been a lot of doom and gloom on here lately. If you’re happy/in a good place/etc., great. If you’re not, I’d invite you to read on with as open a mind as you can muster.

Men, if you’re stuck in a rut, you’ve gotta get out of it. Doesn’t matter how, or how long it takes, or how many attempts it takes, but you’ve got to get out of it.

No one is coming to save you. Absolutely no one. Whatever you think your life will be, you will end up proving yourself right for better or worse. If you think it’s shit, it will be shit. If you’re unwilling to change yourself, then you will stay where you are.

I’m not making light of or invalidating what anyone has or is going through. If venting on reddit is the first baby step of your transformation, then by all means have at it.

But guys, there has to be action. Real, physical action. Even if it’s baby steps: Whether that’s writing in a journal, going to the gym, going to bed just 5 mins earlier, uninstalling social media…. Whatever you need to do, do it.

You already know whatever that thing is. The problem is you get stuck in a self sabotaging cycle of “see, I told you I wasn’t good enough” or “I knew this would happen” at the first iota of pain.

I’m speaking from experience guys. It’s been a very long, very tough road for me and my family. Kids super early (19 and 21 at the time), broke and on food stamps, no degrees between us, surviving not thriving, addiction/alcoholism, deaths of loved ones, childhood trauma, no future plans, mental health issues…practically every excuse you can think of that would hold a person back. (Are they sometimes valid? You bet. Does that mean you can’t do anything about it and should just choose to wallow? Absolutely not.)

We fucking did it anyway, and I’m telling you that you can to. That you really are worth it. But it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else says about you, it matters what you say about you. That inner dialogue can be a blessing or a curse, and you truly do have the power to change it.

It will never be easy, and it won’t always feel good. I have now what most would consider a perfect life, and all things being relative, I still get knocked down, thrown off, and just overall ungrateful from time to time.

When I do, I go back to the basics and start doing the things I’ve learned over the years that will help get me/my head back on the right track.

Only you know in your heart of hearts what your true intentions are. I applaud anyone for putting their stuff out there and asking for advice/help, but with the caveat of actually being willing to change things in order to get results.

It’s OK if you’re not OK, but it’s not OK to stay that way. Feel your feelings, handle your bullshit, and get on with it. Seriously. People out there need you, and if you’re too busy crawling up your own ass because it’s safe and familiar, you’re not just letting others down, but yourself as well.

My hope is that this resonates with at least one person, because this is what it took for me. Some old sober crackhead from Savannah hurting my feelings enough to get me to snap out of it and get right. Telling me that a doorknob is better than me (at the time), because at least a doorknob could do what it was supposed to do.

Its all a choice guys, your choice. No matter how much you squirm and justify and rationalize your situation, you are choosing to stay where you are. No one else. Not even your ‘insert person with problem here’ who depends on you for ‘xyz’ and you can’t leave because ‘seemingly validated reason here’…. Not even them.

Im not being mean or cold hearted. I’m not missing the point, I’m not misunderstanding. I’m just trying to help those couple of men that may actually get a bit of a wake up call out of this, because there were men there for me when I needed (and still need) them and I believe in paying it forward.

Edit: Really glad to see some people sharing a bit of their own experiences and reaching out to each other. Please, by all means share some of your own wins/stories/questions/etc. If you’re shy or don’t want to comment publicly, reach out to me or one of the other men here. We’re all in this together and nobody’s getting out alive, so we’ve got to help ourselves and each other.

16 comments

  4. Same age man here. 4 years ago my life was a dumpster fire. Now it’s a warm campfire that keeps myself and others around me warm and safe. You can all do the same!

    Anyone DM me if you need to talk.

  5. This really is the best place for your message, because so many men drift out of their teens and straight through their twenties without ever really thinking about the trajectory of their lives.

    They suddenly ‘wake up’ in their thirties, abruptly realizing how discontent they are, and come to this subreddit asking how they can get their shit together.

    Your message is exactly what people in that sort of situation need to hear.

  9. 35M and I cosign this message 100% as someone who has faced challenges but is very happy with where his life is today.

    It’s easy to wallow and think that nothing will ever get better but you can’t think like that. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

  10. This post was awesome.

    I see it with the “younger” guys at work and in social circles…we’ve gone SOFT. At least here in the states. Men have to be hard, they have to make their way in this world. It’s not easy, it’s not cheap and it’s not fun.

  13. Ducking hell. Thank you for saying this. It’s been so annoying reading “why isn’t my life amazing by 30? Especially since I’m only 22 but worried things won’t be amazing at 30!”

  15. For me, this doesn’t resonate. Everything is competitive and for every opportunity there are more losers than winners. Some people are never going to be able to get out of their dead end situations. Trying for the mere chance to pursue one’s goals is still worth it. But the doom and gloom is real.

  16. I’m on my third therapist trying to find out if my traumas are bigger than me. I wouldn’t be the first in my family whose answer is no.

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