There’s a guy (23M) who met a friend (21F) in one of her classes and rather unexpectedly joined us when we were at a nightclub. I (22M) was having a really good time until he came along, because he was loud and arrogant and getting super physical with all the girls there. It immediately became all about him and, though initially the girls were all saying that he was getting too physical, a couple of them eventually came to like him and went off with him to a different nightclub, leaving the rest of us. I felt very irritated and was venting to the other girls that didn’t like him, but realized that I was coming off as whiny and reactive so I shut up.
I thought that would be the end of him but he’s been invited to the next do or drink game and I’m worried that he’s eventually going to become a long term member of the group. I want to get rid of him as quickly as possible but I’m not sure how to do that without seeming selfish or jealous. To be transparent my motives are partly selfish because I feel like I have less of a voice when he’s around and I just feel very uncomfortable around him, but at the same time I think he’s bad news and could absolutely cause a lot of trouble for my friends that seem to like him. I think as guys my other friend (23M) and I can see him for what he is but the girls are being deceived by the charisma. Any thoughts?
Edit: after extensive reflection I’ve decided to give the guy another chance. Based on convos it doesn’t look like he’s going to be a close friend but he’s likely going to be a recurring figure when we go out or host big parties. It is true that I’m a little jealous of his charisma, but I was genuinely concerned because I’ve seen what happens when girls get mixed up with the “bad boy” or “party” type. Also, in my defense I do have discouraged-BPD so I’m very prone to quickly feeling defeated because of the environment I grew up in.
50 comments
I’m sorry dude, but they just like him better. Ya’ll are young and some people come in that girls/guys find more fun to hang around. You should fine a group that enjoys you
Didn’t you already post this?
You have to accept that are you *are* jealous and whiny lmao
You sound jealous and insecure. If he keeps getting invited it’s because your friends want him to join. If you don’t like him that is fine. You don’t have to like everybody you interact with I life. Your friends will have other people come and go in their life and you won’t like all of them. It isn’t a good enough reason to try to control or manipulate your friend group into excluding others. I don’t like a lot of people that much. I have friends tho and I do enjoy spending time with them the compromise for me is that I also have to spend time with the friends of my friends. Oh well. I don’t let it ruin my time. I have fun anyways. Also maybe give the guy a chance. You mentioned being out at clubs maybe try and interact with him in a different setting. Might see a side of him that changes your perspective.
This is a just weird. The women who do like him are adults perfectly capable of making their own judgements. Wtf do you mean “being fooled by his charisma” lmfao maybe they just like him.
And how do you “get rid of him”? Wtf is this? If your friends like to hang out with him they will, whether you do too is your choice, but trying to control theirs is very creepy.
Maybe you and your guy friend are just being pathetic jealous babies and see nothing all that crazy.
I feel that there’s a point where you look in the mirror and say “Oh wait, I am jealous and that’s why I feel threatened by this person.”
No one is going to give you advice on how to ice someone out. You hang with a group that regularly goes to play drinking games together and clubbing, it sounds like a recipe for drama, sex, and disaster. That’s college for you. If someone comes around and they start getting attention then maybe you should reevaluate why you’re even there.
Do you want the attention of a bunch of drunk party girls? Or at the end of the day, are they just vapid, shallow people that use sex as a currency and like douchebags that go clubbing with them lol. He’s allowed to have friends just as much as you. It’s not “your” group and you have 0 control here. So find other friends or deal with it.
Didn’t you post this a few days ago already? It doesn’t sound like there’s any actual problem here buddy, sorry.
I swear I read this exact story but with a different wording in the last few days. Have you posted this elsewhere?
I’ve been in a similar situation, when you feel like someone new takes over your position in a group, or at least puts you in the shadow. If you are a subtle, or introverted person, you might have spent some effort into gelling into the crowd, getting comfortable, finding your spot. This new guy then seems like a threat.
I think it’s the best to get to know him, and let him get to know you. You are not necessarily rivals, he might come to appreciate you, and lift you up in his energetic bubble. And if it really doesn’t work, perhaps your group of friends might split up some day, and you can choose what side to be on.
You need to drop the mindset that you can quietly influence other peoples’ sentiments behind the scenes. That is super toxic and manipulative, even if you’re right and he is just an obnoxious tool.
The only thing you can do is say you don’t like him and don’t really want to hang out with him, and let the pieces fall where they may. You can’t control how other people will see him, only you.
Dude you already seem jealous or anxious and it seems to me that you don’t know how to deal with negative emotion. That’s the vibe you spread with your post to me.
Your perception is not reality, try to empathize with the people who like him. Then you understand why you have not control over this situation and why you never will.
By the way it’s nothing bad to have no control over things in a social setting.
“The girls are being deceived by the charisma” 💀
Maybe just try making a new friend and learning a thing or two from him rather than kicking him out because you’re jealous.
You wanting to limit his presence and influence is being a little bit jealous to be honest.
I get it, ive been here before as well.
You are fine with your girl- and guy- friends in the group, having fun. This is your own little kingdom. Then, suddenly a new guy comes and shakes the status quo. He is cocky, flirty and hogs all attention for himself. Suddenly the night revolves around him.
You find his behaviour obnoxious, his jokes terrible and his flirting attempts very overt and evident, but your guy friends find him cool and your girl friends smile at him and laugh at his jokes… for a little too long maybe. Maybe you fancy a girl in your group and she suddenly doesn’t give you that much attention anymore…
The feelings you are feeling are normal and natural. You feel a bit rejected and overlooked by the group. This is normal for someone your age but do not let those feelings overwhelm you. You can:
a) use this as an opportunity to grow up and move further from these feelings. Understand that your friends are grown up independent people. Understand that this man does not pose a threat to you or your social standing within the group (as long as he is not being mean/bullying to you). You fight back against your own insecurity and adapt to the new situation. You understand as well that you don’t have to like every guy you meet, and that’s ok as well.
b) you choose to escalate the situation and you try to ostracize him from the group. Know that this is very hostile and may end up with dinamiting the group or even your social standing. If he is as charismatic as you say, it will be difficult as well. There is no way to “socially engineer” this so that it goes smoothly. It will probably come to a confrontation and you should be prepared for that.
I was always a guy myself, who grew up with new people and always looked to learn and grow from others and hype everybody up.
don’t hang w/ women at nightclubs if you’re gonna be upset that they may like loud dudes at nightclubs that aren’t you.
It’s not YOUR group and it’s not your place to attempt to remove people from it. The sooner you internalise this, the better.
PS, your female friends might have sex with him, and not have sex with you. This doesn’t mean anyone has done anything to you, or has done anything wrong.
Honestly I just want to know how the sales job last summer ended up going now.
That happened to me once. We became best friends.
My thoughts are that you sound like a whiny insecure person who is trying to project things on to others and manipulate. Speak truthfully, be honest. Deceiving people only creates disunion. This game-theory among friends will not yield good things. Read some of aristotles philosophy on friendship to get a better understanding of what I mean on that.
There will always be guys like that. You should learn from him rather than become a sad envious loser.
Welcome him friendly, and see if he can be nice with you. If he tries to do something bad against you, then you can play that game a little further and expose him for what he is.
What value or confidence do you have if you feel immediately threatened by any other guy. You complaining about him to the other girls is the worst and most insecure thing you can do
You should understand that you are enough and special in your own way different to him. That’s what you should project. Your own confidence and not copy someone else. But you can definitely take some lessons from that guy’s book. Maybe some would suit you.
He’s deep in your crush’s throat right now and there is nothing you can do. Sorry pal
Swords and pistols at dawn, obviously.
You don’t like him cause you are threatened by a man who knows his way around women. Hint: none of these women were going to sleep with you, especially if you are “venting” to them about this guy. Find other women if you want potential dating partners and keep these women as friends
You can’t but i have been in your situation. Just stop hanging out when he’s around. Period. Every time. Also, never mention it or why. If they ask, just be like, huh? I never noticed. Lol find a new group and if they suspect just be like, “eh, he kinda annoys me” that way you’re not making a big deal out of it
Best idea is to just hang out with better people. If you really dislike him, stop hanging around with them and find better people.
Didn’t you post this the other day and the general feedback was the same? You do not own this friend group and cannot control who they decide they like and want to hang out with. You have to focus on yourself instead and take this as an opportunity to know how to be able to interact with people like him because there will be more. Like what if he had been a girl, would you be as hostile? You have to think of these things if you want to grow as a person.
Murder
Drop the nice guy routine and try to be friends with the guy. See if you guys can bond over something instead of picking apart what you don’t like about him. If you can’t, and he bothers you that much, just start hanging out with different people (or take the girl you like in the group out on a date).
Let them be deceived by his charisma, dude just leave and create an entirely new friend group.
Have a mindset where your attached but detached, be a friend, but don’t involve yourself.
Let people figure things out for themselves.
If your less involved, but socially active, people will want to hang out with you more. Take this time to focus on yourself, make yourself happy.
The comments here are presuming something that might be true.
It might be that this new guy is a bad egg.
Years ago I got some bad vibes from someone, they would inevitably change the group dynamic for the worse over time, people would become generally more defensive, too much ‘banter’ and superficial. It ended with the group breaking up.
It all really stemmed from comments like those in this thread where publicly the new guy was accepted because people could sense he had power and were scared of him.
Turns out he was a liar, a thief and the most manipulative and ASPD person I’ve ever met, until then or in the decades since….
People like that can make you feel insecure and weak. That’s not anyone’s fault.
So you are the rooster among this group of chicks and then come a competing rooster who wants to take the throne. He’s louder, more arrogant and some chicks seems to like him. You feel jealous because you’re losing your rooster’s throne. Chicks don’t give you so much attention as before.
You can fight, try to take some more place and make your voice louder to match his.
You can accept defeat and find an other group of chicks where you can become their rooster
Or you can whine and manipulate the chicks to make them dislike him, but they might see clear in your game and you might lose them.
What rooster gonna do ?
As others said, don’t manipulate the situation, let it play out. Get to know him, if he’s as toxic as you make him out to be, then the more you know him, the better you can put in words why you don’t like him.
Not too long ago, my sister introduced a friend of hers to my family. I didn’t like him, there was something off about the way he talked, but it wasn’t until a couple of weeks later, that I interacted with him more, that I could put it in words and it wasn’t just a gut feeling anymore. Lo and behold, he was exactly the type of person I imagined and all I did was say what I thought of him and sit back, he’s gone from my sisters life as far as I’m concerned.
Also, if a single person can wreck a friend group, it wasn’t a solid group to begin with. Sorry if it turns out the way you imagine it.
Honestly I’m gonna go against the grain and say just avoid having him around, I think it’s worth making it clear to your friends that you just don’t like him and don’t want to hang out with him. If they push you can say that him being around makes you uncomfortable and you’d rather not go out with them, let your friends do the work of keeping y’all apart. It’s your right to not wanna be around the dude, that being said, your friends may choose to hang out with them separately and that’s ok too
Bro you need to find a hobby
All U care about is women judging from ur recent post history.
Imo stop clubbing, stop partying
I think you’re going to have to step back and let it go. If the others like him, they have a right to include him and if they don’t, they will stop inviting him.
If you do anything more, you will look like the jerk, and you already sound pretty threatened by him.
Be cool and don’t let on that he gets under your skin at all.
Hey man don’t try to push anything. I think what you really need is to be around more purpose driven men/ masculine environments. Get into fighting and join a gym or get into shooting or something like that. You need more male comradery in your life. I’m only a few years older than you but I know that this a problem with our age group.
Just think whilst you were typing this post, he was probably banging your friend through the wall
If your friends like him you can’t get rid of him. Simple.
Personally, I know a person that gives me the same feelings you described. A person who is very arogant and charismatic, but tends to make everything about themself to the point I get an unpleasant feeling around them. Life gets so much easier if you just find a new group of friends. Still keep in touch with your current friends, and don’t make it obvious that your spending less time with them. But just find another group of people that you like being around, and whatever you do, avoid letting the two friend groups merge. Avoid letting them meet eachother if possible.
You are jealous whinny and passive aggressive. Work on that.
You’ve already lost.
Even though he may seem loud and arrogant perhaps he was just drunk? Try to get to know him better and maybe you might actually like him! And about the thing with being to touchy with the women, it’s their problem so I’m sure if it goes to far they’ll tell him to stop, after all he’s part of the friend group now. That’s just how things work.
You’re in a tough spot here. Honestly anything to do is just going to make you look bad. I’m going to have to say the best course of action is no action. Let him do his thing and hope they catch on sooner rather than later.
I think you realized you are in fact in the friend zone when this guy started coming around so now you don’t like him.
but..but you are being jealous and whiny
Just tell him that he needs to move on, but right now you don’t have the time or crayons to show him.
Easy, just stop being jealous and whiny lol.
Just be comfortable with being a little aloof. Don’t be boring and standoffish, but if you don’t like him, don’t pay attention to him.
Let your friends get in trouble. They’re adults. And you could very well be wrong about him. Just observe and let it happen. You might even find that you want to move on to other friends.
But reacting like this and trying to usurp people’s decision making will make you the bad guy, in their eyes, and in fact. So just roll with it.
Instead of being jealous.
This Machiavellian psychopathic shit lmao
“How can I premeditatively manipulate those around me using social engineering?”
Id rather be friends w this guy than you lol
Don’t do anything.
If he is the douchebag you think he is the problem will resolve itself. People like that sooner or later always dig their own grave.