Hello. I need some advice & support dealing with this very difficult ldr situation. I (f30) have been crushing on this guy (m31). for quite some time but I was told that women should wait for a man to approach first. 5 months since we first met he finally asked me out. He told me that he loved me on our first date! I should have seen it as a redflag but at this point I was so happy that I just went with it.
On our 2nd date I invited him over to my apartment. He kissed me (suddenly) & I was ecstatic! He texted me later & promised me that we would have many adventures together. The very next day he texted me & said that he just got an acceptance call from a job that he applied for in Alberta. He asked me if I wanted a long distance relationship. I was shocked in the moment! I didn’t know he had plans to move away when we started talking. I didn’t know what to do. He texted me only an hour later told me how he really wanted to see me, so I drove over to his place & told him yes I want to give long distance a shot.
He would fly home one week per month to see his young son. He‘d call me everyday to check up on me. But 2 months into the relationship I was crying a lot because I missed him so much.
He came home in Oct & Nov and we had fun together. In Nov when he was away I asked him if I could schedule a trip to come see him for thanksgiving weekend. I told him I would pay for my ticket. He said that he needed to ask if he had that weekend off first. I waited the whole day to hear from him then the flight jumped price so I couldn’t go. Later I saw he did have that weekend off because he posted pics at Lake Louise that weekend! I was upset by this.
That winter he did not come home for Christmas, he said that his car broke down & he would not be able to get to the airport because of a blizzard.. I did not believe him and I broke up with him. I told him that I realized I could not do long distance. He said “ok I understand” and I thought it was over but a few hrs later he was telling me he loved and missed me. Everyday he would text saying how much he loved me. He came back home for a week in Jan & we got back together.
He came home for a week in Feb.
He DID NOT come home in Mar.
I tried breaking up with him again after that but then he told me he would pay for my plane ticket to come out for a visit! I said ok & waited for him to confirm but he didn’t.
He came home for a week in Apr.
He DID NOT come home in May.
I asked him why he wasn’t coming home as often as he promised & he told me “I don’t know it just happened” saying this to me with a smile on his face. I asked him what if I moved for him? He said “that would be kinda cool” didn’t seem like he wanted me to. In Jun I decided to end it with him for the 3rd & final time. He came home in Jul asked me to come over but I stayed away.
He did not come home in Aug. He told me that he didn’t like it out there anymore. He was getting yelled at and feared he might lose his job. I thought that meant he’d come home to stay. No he decided to get a new job in BC! He says that it will be better because they “force” him to come home more often. 15on 7off. I thought it was interesting that he used the word “force”. Like if it were up to him he wouldn’t come back?
He said “I get paid more at this job too”. He once posted his cheque to his public fbpage “in 20 years I’m going to be a millionaire. I will look back on my struggles and humble life now and smile, maybe even laugh” he’d even post memes making fun of women who decide to focus on career instead of men. He said that he would “take care of his woman and let them spend all of his money!” funny because whenever we are out he made me pay for my half of almost everything. I have a job myself but I don’t make nearly as much as he does and he knows that. It got to a point where he was starting to DM me screenshots bragging about the money he makes. I told him that is hurtful & he’d say “I don’t know why you’re so upset you should be happy for my success” or he just left me on read. That was when I decided to block him on social media.
I did not block him on my cellphone, as I don’t feel I’m strong enough to completely let go. He texted that he’s coming home 7th. Sept 7th came and he did not text me so I thought he’s going to leave me alone. But the next day “Hey I’m home more often” I asked him why is he bothering me I feel like he only wants me for sex and my energy he said “Not tru”. He said he was in my part of town & invited me to the casino I said no. He went back to BC the next day. He started texting me asking why I’m being so mean. He said “I look at old pictures of us and get sad because I see that you really cared about me I just don’t put up with negative energy though.” Basically saying that me asking him for proper treatment is negative? I’ve sent him and angry text before but that was only so he’d get the point that he can’t keep treating me like a back up plan. I apologized to him & he said “Aww it’s okay I am patient with you & gave you space but still care about you.”
I’ve had problems with relationships all my life, I usually run into guys who are very sweet in the beginning but over time they lose interest and ghost me. The problem is this guy is not ghosting me. He said that he “likes that I stand up for myself it’s very admirable” what does that even mean? My intuition is telling me that he’s probably just using me to talk to on cold lonely nights while he’s on work and he loves to see how much I sacrifice for him. He told me that he plans to stay out there for 20 years or at least until he becomes a millionaire his words not mine.
I just don’t think I have the strength to date anymore. This relationship has taken such a toll on me. I don’t have friends or family who are willing to help me through this. My family has actually been quite harsh to me my mother calls me a mess and my brother says I’m too sad to be around. I have distanced myself from them because they make feel worse about myself. I have tried therapy but it’s hard finding the right one on such a small budget most of them are just speechless at my situation. One even said “sounds like he’s really enamoured with you” but something just doesn’t feel right about that. I really wish I could find a partner who would take me seriously & want an honest and true commitment. I don’t know why I can’t find that & I’m starting to hate myself & sink deeper into depression.
TL;DR! What should I do? This guy came on strong with promises in the beginning then immediately left to go make money in Alberta. He comes back in 3/4 week cycles to see his son at home. He’s not supporting me but he says that he loves me & misses me. My gut is telling me that he only wants power to dominate me. I don’t know how to let him go because I don’t have any support from friends or family. Any helpful advice or encouraging words would be most welcome.
25 comments
Break up with him.This is not really a relationship. Let this mess go. Don’t try ldr anymore.
You’re the one who lets him come back, so…
It doesn’t matter what else there is! You are his plaything. He uses you whenever he needs you and he knows very well that you are too weak to block him. He has another life where he works or do you really think he’s loyal to you all the weeks? Otherwise, why would he react like that when you had the idea to move to him?
You absolutely stop talking to him. You block him in every way he can contact you. He is poison to you. And please, try another therapist.
Invest your time and energy into finding friends and hobbies right now. You don’t need to date, you need to build your support group. Volunteer somewhere, get a hobby (knitting and crocheting have lots of knitting circles), get a part time job, look into language clubs (libraries often have subscriptions to language services), go to some meetups, etc.
I mean this gently. You’re not behaving like a 30 year old woman, you’re behaving like a 12 year old girl. This “relationship” is not working. It’s very very immature between both of you.
People don’t want to “help you” through it because it’s a non-issue and sounds exhausting to listen to. You’re not even in a relationship, frankly he is only barely stringing you along and you’re so attached but at the same time will decline his date invitations. You’re saying you “break up” with him… honey you guys aren’t really dating. I promise he’s dating other women in BC.
He’s not enamored; he sounds cheap, immature, and financially unstable. Getting a new job because of concern of being fired from a job he’s only been in for a few months is not normal. He’s putting in an occasional thought to maybe see if he can get laid and you’re reading into it extremely deeply. He doesn’t care about you.
The therapists are speechless because this is hard to believe how a 30 year old woman doesn’t understand the basic dynamics of a relationship. This man doesn’t care about you. You’re in love with an idea, not a person. If you say you want to find someone real, then block this idiot, and do some online dating. You say he’s the only one who will ask how you’re doing. So? You don’t need him to, you’re an adult who can get comfortable being alone for a while. Work on that.
just leave him for your own sake and focus on work, sport and hobbies and you’re surely finding friends and a useful partner
this dude just uses you, get your self worth up
Girl stop responding to him. You’re not in a relationship, he told you he loved you on the first date. Like….sorry to be rude but use your brain here. You’re acting like a child, not an adult
He is not “enamored” or “in love with” you OP. Your gut instinct that he is using you is correct. You will be happier on your own, so block him already and move on. Or, don’t block him and continue to stay in this vicious cycle, the choice is yours to make.
Do yourself a favor and block him. Every time you respond in any way, you give him what he wants, your attention.
Take some time and focus on yourself. The best way to take back control of this mess is to cut him off completely.
You will never be able to move forward in your life if you keep dragging this toxic mess around with you.
He will be fine without you he has other people he can play these games with. You need to realize you will be more than fine without him.
Please stop allowing him to affect your well-being and life. It’s hard but also easy. Block him, and choose to keep him blocked.
>he won’t let me move on
You don’t need his permission. Stop waiting for him to insist that you stop letting him use you. He’s never going to make you stop seeing him, because he benefits from stringing you along. The beauty of being a grown ass woman who isn’t married to this guy is you can make these sorts of decisions for yourself. Decide to move on.
You are the one standing in your way. You don’t need permissions to move on or break up with him. You saying that he won’t let you, is absurd.
Please find a better therapist who can drive home the message that you need to stop being a passenger to your own life.
Look, this person doesn’t give a fuck about you. This isn’t a relationship. You’re not breaking up with him, or getting back with him – you’re literally a text buddy for a guy who gets bored while he’s at site. He doesn’t even notice when you “break up” with him, or when you “let him back”. You are meaningless to him and if you never spoke to him again, you would never cross his mind again unless he was bored and looking for something to do for a couple hours.
You on the other hand are filling your time with pining over him, because you have nothing else in your life.
That’s it. That’s all that’s happening. All the emotions and feelings and tears and stuff – they’ve got nothing to do with him. You’re just filling your time because you have nothing else.
If you want your life to change, block him and keep yourself busy until you stop thinking about him.
That’s it. That’s the only solution.
If you refuse to do that, then eventually you will die having spent your life filling time by obsessing over another human being, someone you don’t even know, someone who doesn’t know you.
You’re the only one who can change this situation for yourself.
He won’t let you move on? Girl it’s YOU that won’t let you move on, you’re so into the idea you have of this man that you can’t see what is actually in front of you and I’m sorry but what’s in front of you is garbage. I’m in Alberta, I’ve had friends date guys like this. The whole “being a millionaire” thing? I’d bet my life savings this guy is a coked up loser…. He gives you just enough to keep you interested he even said it himself, you actually cared about him. Sure he likes that you stick up for yourself because he wants to see how much he can get you to bend for his needs. It’s fun to break down women to guys like this. You need to block him and get comfortable with being by yourself because I’m sorry to say but your family is right.
You can move on without his permission
Delete and block him.
The end.
Girl, I’ve dated guys who work up north. Those camps are toxic as hell and they destroy relationships. You know Fort Mac is the syphilis capital of Alberta, right? This guy would be there for you if he truly wanted to be. It’s time to move on.
OP, after looking through your post history, I think it’s time you block this guy completely and get some professional help. I’d suggest meeting with a psychiatrist, and maybe looking at the big picture here. Focus on yourself without regards to various outside influences.
If you feel that you have a lot of trauma and that it’s preventing you from connecting well with people, then I would suggest blocking this guy and talking to a therapist instead. This guy is not worth your time. You can’t heal and move on when you’re deep in the trenches dealing with bullshit.
It doesn’t matter whether or not he wants to let you move on. It’s not up to him, it’s up to you. Take your power back.
I feel you. I had a narcissist parent and a dad that died when I was too young. To be loved is everything. I based too much on attention when I was younger, but you have to know your worth. This guy ain’t it. I promise you.
You know exactly what to do.
Your gut/intuition is right. It’s time to block this guy on everything and tell him to never contact you again. Then stick to it.
If you’re serious about finding a good partner, you need to step away from dating and focus on yourself until you’ve repaired your confidence/self-worth–and developed higher standards for the men you choose.
What things in life do you enjoy that doesn’t revolve around a man/relationship? Do you have any career or personal goals? Any interests/hobbies you want to participate in? Events you want to attend? Volunteer work?
Pour your energy into yourself and making new friends. When you feel sad, write in a journal, talk with a therapist, and maybe even support groups on Reddit. *I’d even suggest a psychiatrist in case your depression isn’t entirely due to external factors.*
At the end of it all–and I say this with kindness–no one is coming to rescue you. No one is going to hold your hand and walk with you through this heartache. You need to be your own savior and best friend.
It may sound ridiculous, but once I made a point to treat myself as if I were my own friend, it made coping much easier.
*Edit: I also wanted to mention I’ve had relationship problems a lot of my life too. I know that I deserve to have a loving and healthy relationship at least once in my life. But in order for me to do that, I can’t entertain trash men. Otherwise I’m going to be too broken and traumatized to be with anybody else and the cycle continues.*
You’re putting up with way too much of his bullshit, honestly. Relationship aside, I’d be pretty pissed off for the number of months he didn’t even come to see his son. He had the time off, but didn’t prioritize important things.
You need to be strong enough to let go.
You don’t sound like a 30 year old woman. From reading this, I would guess you’re a young teenager.
Don’t ever be afraid to be single. Stay single until you find the right one. You don’t have to put yourself through this.
Others have phrased this better so I won’t linger on this part too much but as much as it hurts, you truly need to understand that this is not a real relationship. This is someone who doesn’t value you and isn’t serious about you in any capacity.
The actual thing I want to point out to you is that while I don’t know you and can only judge based on a post, it sure reads like you are a person who does not seem to recognize your own value as a person and why you are worth more than this. You have family dynamics that seem incredibly complicated. I think you need to consider breaking out of this non-relationship, evaluating your relationship with your family if you feel it’s troubled, and putting the money you do have available for therapy not into having someone diagnose your relationship (because to be honest: I think you’re therapist fishing because you want one to wave a wand and make your partner be a good one, and you can’t) but instead into learning how to evaluate your worth as a human being. What are the things you value about other people? And what do you value about yourself?
A lot of cultures put so much emphasis on the necessity of being in a relationship that many of us grow up feeling like we have to take whatever we can get and hold onto bad relationships because that’s better than being alone. This isn’t better than being alone. This is taking your emotional energy, your money, and your time. All of that could be spent addressing what it will take to make you recognize your own worth. Invest in yourself, not this schmuck.