I’m 23 and feel completely alone right now. I’ve never kissed anyone on the lips, seen anyone naked, slept in the same bed as anyone else, DANCED with anyone- I’ve been in three really amazing relationships, but never had sex.
The thought of sex used to repulse me, and them I started getting more neutral, but never had much of a libido besides masturbation. But all the sudden (over the last few months) it’s all I can think about! I have such a high sex drive all the sudden, and I have no idea what to do now that I actually WANT to touch another person!
Should I go on a dating app? I know what I like physically in terms of stimulation but I would hate for the other person not to have a good time since I have no experience. Thoughts?
ETA: I may or may not have had sex before? There was a non-consensual encounter I don’t remember super well. So that might also be an issue.
4 comments
In the nicest possible way, you might want to start by re-evaluating what you consider a ‘relationship’. You had three amazing ones and never so much as kissed them on the lips or nothing?
Are you sure they were not just being nice, or friendly toward you?
So, to try and answer your question… Ask yourself what you want out of the situation. Do you just want to have sex with someone to gain some experience and check off a box? Are you looking for a FWB type situation with a bit more of a connection and some ongoing experimentation? It doesn’t really sound like you’re shopping for a life-long partner, but it’s certainly another possibility.
When you define your ultimate goals, it should make it a bit easier to pick an app. or venue to meet someone. Your desired level of commitment will also govern what you disclose to a potential hookup, and likely the quality of your encounter(s). Your virginity may be neutral to some, or an extreme turn-on/off to others. The same goes for past trauma. Some will not know how to take it and just flake. Others will be understanding, and some may fetishize it.
Overall, if it feels good, do it. If someone isn’t into you, don’t take it personally. Attraction has to be a 2-way street and people have all kinds of preferences, just like you do. Don’t let your horny brain talk you into doing something sketchy that may jeopardize your safety, and don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself if there are things that you like or don’t like.
Sex doesn’t work like it does in the movies or in porn. There will be awkwardness, so don’t be afraid to laugh at it. Things will get sweaty and/or sticky, and someone is always going to end up in the wet-spot on the sheet. Right now it’s a *HUGE* deal for you, but thousands of people are doing it at any given moment. Last, but not least, don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work exactly like you expect it to the first time (or two, or three…)
Hi! i (M26) was basically a virgin till 23. I’d lost my virginity at 19 and it was terrible sex in a crazy beautiful location, but other than that nothing explicitly sexual for years until my first gf (now ex). Lemme tell you, I really wish i had been explicit in my personal lack of experience with my earlier partners. Communication is the root of wonderful sexual and romantic relations. So much of my anxiety was tied up in personal performance that i’d miss the wonderful moments with the person in bed with me. if you communicate your insecurities, you’d be surprised how many partners will listen and provide you the space to learn and grow 🙂
You should see a therapist and work through this with a professional