Hello! I wanted to get some advice to see if the issues my girlfriend has with my family dynamic is justified or if it should raise concern. My girlfriend and I have a really great relationship. We are very similar and I can definitely see me spending my life with her. There have just been some issues where I start to doubt a lot about what I need and want from a partner. Our main issue has always had to do with our families. For some background, she comes from a really difficult family dynamic to navigate. Due to some childhood trauma and continued hard relationships with her parents, she doesn’t have a super close relationship with them. She has very few happy childhood memories. She often talks with her mom and they are definitely close, but she has some strict boundaries in place so that she can protect her mental health. On the other hand, I come from a very tight-knit family and was raised in a super happy and loving home. I had a wonderful childhood and I know I am fortunate! My mom, dad, older sister, and 3 other siblings and I have all have constantly had a close relationship. My mom has specifically always been there for me when I need it and I am lucky to consider her a friend in my life, and have always valued our relationship.
With that all being said, it has been extremely difficult to navigate within my current relationship. We live in a different state from both of our families, and basically from the start of our relationship, my girlfriend has always had some sort of issue with my family. Whether that be the amount of communication between me & my family, family dynamics when we visit, me wanting to visit home, etc etc, there has always been some level of problem that she seems to have about it all. I feel like I have made significant changes within my life to appease her, including moving away from home 2 states away and adjusting my relationships in order for her to feel more comfortable. I am aware that I probably haven’t been the best communicator and I understand that it is hard for her coming into a family that’s so tight knit and involved in each others lives as that’s not something she was raised with.
It is also worth noting that my mom and sister haven’t been fully accepting of her, and she is aware of that. Don’t get me wrong, they are always always kind and welcoming and warm to her, but haven’t made her feel super accepted, if that makes sense. In my eyes, it’s due to my girlfriends behavior and way that she has tried to control my relationships with them. I always keep my arguments with my girlfriend and I private and don’t share any personal details, but my family knows that we have had a lot of struggles and that she has a hard time with the closeness of my family.
My issue is that I don’t want to sacrifice my relationship with my mom or my sister or any other family member in order to constantly be making her happy. She says that it’s a red flag that there are some weeks where I talk to my mom multiple times on the phone. She seems to always have an issue with me wanting to visit home every once in a while. She also just generally speaks negatively about them. I feel like she has constantly tried to control my relationship with them in order to fit the outcome that she wants and expects for her life.
I don’t quite know how to feel about it all or the best way to go about things. Talking to my family about it all is hard because they are always going to be on my side, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with her since we always end up fighting about it. Is this cause for serious concern? Or am I not going about this in the right way? Thank you in advance!
tl;dr: My girlfriend of two years has always had issues with my family dynamic and my relationships with my sister and my mom. She has tried to control them and how often I speak with them and how often I visit. I am not sure how to go about it cause I love everything else about our relationship and know I have problems too but this is very important to me in order to move forward, and I need some advice
4 comments
From what you are saying, you seem to have healthy boundaries with your family. The fact that you moved to be with your gf speaks volumes and should to her as well.
It sounds like she has some jealousy over how close your family is and how her situation has been harder. If I were you, I’d remind her how important she is to you and that you choose her. If she continues to berate your family and question your relationships, you might be incompatible and better off with someone who understands your close family dynamic. I believe most people would be more understanding than she has shown herself to be.
I’m sorry but this is the kind of thing that doesn’t change, and will also likely get worse with time especially if you start building a family with her. A partner should complement your life not detract from it. Think long and hard on what you want your future to look like.
eta a negative attitude toward familial relationships will also be rubbed off on future children.
Your GF is passing up an opportunity to be a full member of a close knit family herself. I am sure your sister would be more accepting if she made an honest effort. That is truely the sad part. I can only say to openly communicate with her, as you are being pulled in two directions.
Do not let this woman cut you off from your family. And I would maybe tell them about some of the turmoil in this relationship. I’m not going to lie, this dynamic sounds like the early days of emotional abuse. Maybe even full on abuse depending on the dynamic of your fights.