Just need to rant bc no one in my circle understands. I (F21) have been single for a while now (like my last relationship was pre-covid) anyways, I am a pretty independent go-getter type of girl so I’ve enjoyed my time alone but as of recently I’ve started to feel lonely and crave a real connection. (AKA a committed relationship)
Throughout my years in college I’ve gone on dates with guys and have even found myself in situationships but that’s because they’ve initiated the pursuit since I haven’t really been intentional about dating. Well long story short I’ll go out with them a couple of times and even though there’s potential I’ll drop them (in a nice way I’m a decent person) I just don’t feel the click with any of them.
I keep telling myself “the next guy I go out with I’ll really try” but I just don’t find myself liking them back and feel like it’s unfair to force myself into something I don’t naturally want.
Going back to my personality, I’m the eldest daughter who is also a first generation college student so therefore I’ve been forced to grow up and take care of myself and others from very early on. I don’t really have a support system and find myself taking care of others and putting them before myself all the time. So when it comes to dating I see it as a luxury in the sense that I’d be taking on another person to care for. Which sounds so mean but based on the men I’ve been meeting that’s what it feels like… And I just get turned off by that, I want to feel like a girl in the relationship does that make sense? I keep finding myself playing the role of mom/provider/coach and helping “fix” guys up (for example I got this guy back to his feet after he got expelled and kicked out of his college football team and even found him a job, he’s much better now which I’m glad but what about me???)
The guys that I’ve met that seem to have their stuff together have serious relationships, so I don’t really know where to find a good guy organically and online dating seems exhausting
this is getting long so bottom line if you’re familiar with little women (2019) Jo march’s “im so lonely” monologue is literally my life. Lmk if you think I’m the problem or just any advice you might have. TYIA
18 comments
“Girlbossed” 💀
Will update this comment once I read past the title
Edit: honestly I have no advice for you
I can’t tell if you’re self sabotaging quality options by ending things prematurely OR if you just haven’t found someone compatible yet
Your best bet is to just enjoy life, hobbies, friends, volunteering etc and find a guy there
You’re 21. You’re not old. You’re barely an adult.
Put yourself out there like everyone else.
You’re barely a legal adult, im sure you’ve girl bossed all over the place and are killing it in your decade long career🤦🏻♂️
You’re young, plenty of time. Knowing your propensity to find “project guys”, upgrade your filtering process. Don’t invest in projects – there’s rarely a payout. Look for men who have their shit together first and foremost. Put yourself out there and make connections, you’ll be fine.
As others have noted, you’re still very young. You have lots of time; keep looking. It’s not unreasonable to expect your potential partner to be a *partner*, and not to want to be someone’s mother/provider.
This kind of experience also makes me wonder if that’s not part of the reason that so many women in their 20s date men in their 30s.
It sounds like you need less dating advice and more therapy. You see these guys and help them which is good but you need to express your needs and wants as well. Guys arent going to intuit everything that you want or need if you dont voice it which might be why you feel let down and resentful when they dont take care of your needs after youve helped them. If you do voice your wants and needs then youre just not going after the right men and need to evaluate why youre picking these “project men”. Everyone has stuff they have to work on but a guy who just got expelled and kicked off their football team? Thats a really low point to be putting a lot of emotional effort in.
Go to grad school.
I’m dating one of my students.
Girl ur 21. Just focus on what u ultimately want.
Girl bossed a little too close to the sun. R.I.P.
I thought you were gonna say you were 31. You’re 21! You’re just at the beginning of your prime years as woman. Just keep trying and lay off the “go getter” mentality and really make it a focus to get into a relationship cuz that will make you far more happy than money. And who knows you might get hooked up with a really successful guy and not even have to worry about it! Don’t waste your prime years like many women have. This is your best chance to lock down a high quality partner while you’re at your best
I prefer “Mr Cellophane” from Chicago personally
People you haven’t met haven’t been girlbossed by you. – The More You Know ⭐️
I don’t think you’re the problem at all. I think you’re still young and dating at this age can be difficult to get anything “serious” out of. You’re still on a discovery phase and in many ways, people your age are at that stage as well which makes it hard to meet someone who will understand what it means to be in a full committed relationship. It might sound cliche, but you’ll know when you meet that person, trust me. It’ll be pretty easy and feel natural, not one where you have to put any effort in order to fit into their life.
You’re a woman-apprentice
Being an independent woman isn’t your problem. It’s that you date dependent men.
Date guys a little older and they are more likely to have their own stuff in order. That’s not always the case though so make sure you get a sense of how they are living and whether they have a clear sense of direction.
Beyond that you need to use that same energy that got you what you wanted in your school and work and apply it to finding a person who meets your needs. I’m not saying treat it like a job, but be intentional and don’t waste your time with people who show you early on that they aren’t going to cut it.
Coming from a woman in her 30’s with her shit together who knows how hard it is to find a man on the same page, let me share a few things…..
1. You’re not going to click with most men you go on a date with. That’s why dating is a process and takes time. Not everyone is meant for you, and vice versa. Finding a true good fit is hard in the best of circumstances, but even harder in today’s society.
2. You didn’t “girl boss too hard”. If anything I would recommend you “girl boss *HARDER*” because this is your life, happiness and future we’re talking about.
3. You’re 21 and most guys around your age don’t have a lot to offer or show for, because they’re young too. Hell, even a lot of single men in their 30’s and 40’s out here don’t have a lot to offer. SO many of them want exactly what you said, a mommy/provider type. The type of man you want is hard to find, but don’t settle.
Maybe look up what girl boss is… It’s in relation to doing well in a career.
Sounds like you were in the era of “I don’t need a man to save me or to be happy”.
Anyways, you have attachment issues and until you work on that, dating won’t go well for you. Go to therapy and think about why you easily axe men when it comes to dating. Your longest paragraph really screams some deep rooted issues to me and it’s ok to have issues- just work on them.
I never have any urge to fix anyone ..