To be fair I tend to be ‘all in’ when it comes to just about anything I’m into at the moment, whether it be comic book collecting, fishing, etc. When I’m into something, I’m all in until I burn up that energy and move to something else.
However, I’m always all-in with sex. I’m a very sexual person and I absolutely love my wife and her body. We both go to the gym together and are fit and attractive. Also, I’m a very unselfish lover and enjoy pleasing her in every way. She also has an above average sex drive and we normally find time for sex several times per week.
We are both in our early 40s, been married 17 years. We have a toy collection and use them at least half the time. Some are for her, some for me. We sometimes watch porn together, and sometimes I find gifs or videos I send her in hopes of it turning her on.
We pretty much do everything you can think of sexually and are very comfortable with our sexuality. We don’t entertain involving another person, other than occasionally using the idea as a fantasy.
Lately, she’s told me that all I talk about is sex and that I’m obsessed. Granted, as mentioned, I do enjoy talking about it. I’m very open with communication and like to send her flirty messages, ideas and fantasies. To me there’s nothing better. I love the passion and intimacy that goes with it, and the validation I get from pleasing her.
We are both teachers and tend to talk about our day quite often, comparing notes and all that. So we do talk about our days, and our kids and life in general. But, I really look forward to having adult time and talking about it.
Lately she has been exhausted by what she says is my one-track mind and obsessiveness. She says she still wants me to talk about those things, just not all the time. But now I don’t know when or when not to. When is it acceptable?
I feel like she is dictating the terms of our relationship and it’s made me question things. Like, it’s okay when she is wanting to talk about it or whatever, but not always ok when I want to?
I know that not everyone is the same, but all I see is a bunch of frustrated married women posting things on Reddit about how they wish their husbands were more engaging sexually. I guess I tend to think my desire for her is something to be enjoyed or appreciated, but I feel like a burden instead.
It’s ruining my self-confidence and making me a bit insecure. Now we have begun to argue about how it’s making me feel. I’m on the verge of closing myself off emotionally and satisfying myself when needed to avoid a let-down or conflict. I want to enjoy our intimacy while we are still somewhat ‘young’ and attractive and able. But, maybe she is right, and I’m the problem and need to rethink everything. Maybe I need to find other ways to feel fulfilled? Am I wrong for feeling like our sexual relationship has become controlled by when she feels excited?
Thoughts?
28 comments
From one sex-obsessed guy to another, I think some compromise is due here. I (51m) try to key off my wife’s (51f) mood to decide whether a sexual innuendo or joke is going to be well received. I would treat a prank or a tease the same. It just seems like the way to be, not like my wife’s dictating something.
Why not replace the sex talk with romantic talk?
Tell her you are only obsessed about sex with her. And tone down talking about sex so much.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m very similar, I go all in on my hobbies and such and tend to obsess. if someone doesn’t have the ability to be endlessly entertained and engaged by a particular topic, then it can just get old to them. I don’t think it’s a matter of the sex itself, as much as just wanting to have varied conversations once in a while. Since the topic in this case is sex, constantly talking about it might make her feel objectified, or like it’s the only thing you care about, even if that’s not the case.
For example, I’ve been playing a highly competitive trading card game (MTG) for my whole life. My wife also plays, but when I’m going through one of those phases like when a new set comes out and all I want to do is talk about the new cards, after a while she’s straight up like “can you talk about literally anything else?” … even though it’s something she likes, she doesn’t want to hear about it 24/7.
Humans are sexual beings and you are very sexual. Don’t let this affect your self-confidence or lead into a fight with your partner. Maybe picking up subtle clues about when may be best to talk about sex, but she’d have to let you know that.
Personally I think she’s a bit overreacting
She just doesn’t like it cause she doesn’t like sex. Me and my guy talk about sex every day. We both can’t get enough. Guess we are both “obsessed”.
Honestly been with my wife for 10 years and usually when I say something like, “imagine still being obsessed with having sex with my wife 10 years later” she usually realizes she’s being silly. Doesn’t mean we have sex that day though. The “sex obsessed” connotation I understand is really off putting.
Lot of things to consider:
Are you watching porn? If so, more of it than before? It can change men’s libido and attitudes toward sex & sexuality
Is your wife taking any new medicine (incl for example an antidepressant)? Or is her body/estrogen level changing w or wo the start of menopause?
Could there have been an occasion of sex between you 2 recently that went a little too far, or that may have rubbed her the wrong way (literally or figuratively)?
Is it possible that she may have a new interest? Has she talked about someone,has she stayed late, looking at her phone,ask to see it see what her reaction is.just saying my wife now ex wife did the same thing, we would have a very great sex life and it started to slow down, 4 times a week to 1 time to once a month. Then I found her text messages about meeting someone. Took off a few days and started following her and found out she was cheating with a friend.
It a horrible feeling. Just be smart about it. Amazon is amazing for spy tech.
So like your wife, my sex drive is high & so is my partner. He’s not use to it from past partner and not use to how overt it can be to talk about sex. And I love to talk about sex, I however do not like talking about it 24/7 because it’s exhausting and boring to hyper fixated a conversation on sex.
Conversation in a relationship has to be well rounded in multifaceted areas of our lives we are sharing.
So one way to know when to not talk about it? When she’s exhausted, burnout from work. Last thing in her mind is sexy time of any variety. She’s wanting to have adult conversation, just not sexual adult conversation.
Think if it like a top shelf drink of whiskey or bourbon. Drinking it everyday and nothing else, you too would get bored of it and wish you could pair it with food or drink something else. You loose appreciation for it and want anything else but that beverage.
I should probably add that while im perfectly competent in social situations, I’m a big introvert. I don’t keep up with friendships outside of work. My wife and kids are the only real relationships I have. So I’m feeling incredibly lonely all the time now because I don’t feel I can be myself, or that being myself is ‘wrong’.
Hm
Thinking maybe her libido isn’t quite what yours is. Ask her if she’d be up to try a medication like cabergoline .25mg twice weekly. Worth a try? Maybe a hormone & thyroid check as well.
Feeling like she’s in the driver’s seat… I can relate, I feel this too (52m). I have had to really make an effort to decouple my view of sex = intimacy = love, and accept that for her, it’s more like sex = nice = effort. And that was probably a slow shift, not an overnight thing. If I accept this, then I’m less hurt by the fact we have less sex, but I also don’t hide myself as a sexual person. But trying to force her to want more sex isn’t going to give good results.
So your wife is upset that you desire her and make it known? That’s rough buddy.
Bruh the way you jumped from her saying “I still want to talk about it just not 24/7” as “we can only talk when I wanna” you’re literally twisting her words. And to expect her to be appreciative of your sex drive is just weird tbh. Everyone is unique. Get your head out of your ass bruh. Maybe try to engage in conversation with her about things SHE is obsessed with. Like you really don’t always need to talk about sex. ESP bc it can make women feel bad liek that’s all you want from them.
You’re coming off a bit immature here. I feel like your wife has asked you to cut down on the constant sexual talk (which given that it is constant by your own admission, sounds pretty reasonable) and you’ve taken that as a rejection.
You’ve mentioned feeling insecure and like you’re treading on ‘eggshells’ and that she is ‘dictating things’
1. You’re feeling insecure because you’ve taken your wife’s request as a rejection rather
than a reasonable boundary.
2. The treading on eggshells thing is easily solved with communication. You say to her I’m trying to find a new balance of sexual and non-sexual communication in our relationship since our discussion. I don’t know if I’m gonna get that balance perfect right away so feedback from you (re too much or too little sexual attention)
would be great, as would your understanding whilst we figure this out. Then you make changes and trial out what works best.
3. You are right, your wife is absolutely dictating things as is her right. You do not get to give unwanted sexual attention to anyone even your wife.
This is literally exactly as I’ve felt, and word for word the words I’ve used. I’ve boiled it down to a mismatch of libido. I’m sorry that it is having you question your self-confidence and security with your partner. I’ve heard that a suitable match would love when things are made sexual, and often will make things sexual in the relationship as an equal partner.
As a woman, I think she might be craving more non sexual intimacy. And for that your going to have to figure that out and what it means for her. And when you try it you can’t try to have it lead to sex, because that’s not the point. Sometimes it’s just nice to be able cuddle and touch without the expectation of sex. (I have a high drive too), but it’s also nice yo just be with someone and not lead to sex.
Your subject matter is boring her. Time for some new material?
My husband and I both have a high sex drive but he certainly wants to talk about it more than I do. We’re early 40s, married 14 years. I wouldn’t call him obsessive, but sometimes I do think that his priorities are not exactly balanced. I relate to your post. If he could, we’d be at it all day , every day. Every conversation would have an innuendo and my messages would be peppered with kinky links. Unfortunately, we have life. Kids, work, extracurriculars, you know, all the things most adults have.
I don’t want to have to be the one to bring him down to the reality that is who is going to go to the grocery store and who is going to be picking up a kid from practice when 10 minutes before I get a sexy message. It’s jarring and I don’t like being the primary “responsible” one in this way. It makes me feel like I have to mother him and that’s the opposite of sexy for me. I feel like a downer and a buzzkill and it’s a burden to not be fun. We both chose this life together so I need him to rein it in a little so we can get the practical stuff done. I also feel pressured sometimes to reciprocate sexting when I’m not always in that head space, which also separates us. Which neither one of us wants.
Our solution is to ask each other permission. Basically ” hey, are you in a headspace to get some sexy texts?” Or ” I just saw something NSFW that I think you’d like, can I send it now?” That preps me and then I feel like I have more agency. It allows him to follow whatever sexual energy in the moment and I can communicate if I want to go there with him or not. It works for us. It puts up boundaries where we can both feel like we’re being treated with love and respect.
I hope this helps and I hope your partner will work with you and communicate better with you what she actually wants to see different and comes across less judgmental in the future. I wouldn’t feel great to me if my partner said I was “obsessed” with something that we both enjoy and benefit from, hopefully she didn’t mean it that way.
I’m a 39F and would be more on your end of the situation. I’m a very sexual person with what would be considered a higher than normal sex drive for a woman. I’m extremely attracted to my bf so I can be “triggered” fairly easily. A certain way he does his hair, his beard has gotten a certain length, he wears certain clothes. I compare it to almost being similar to starving at an all you can eat buffet but you’re not allowed to eat anything.
It’s can be hard at times for me to get him in the “sex box” as I like to call it. (This comes from hearing someone talk about how men separate things and put them in boxes, women have everything mixed in together like a plate of spaghetti lol). I feel the same about him having all the control over our sex life. Unless he’s in the mood, it’s difficult sometimes to get him to focus his attention on me, and keep it there.
It is hard not to automatically assume it’s something you are doing or not doing when they don’t share the same level of desire you have. I’ve had to learn to disassociate in a way when we are together and limit the sexual innuendos. So I keep my mind busy on other things or I will feel rejected, and it can hurt my self esteem a bit at times.
I think the way a woman’s mind works does have a lot of effect on her sexual desire. Because everything mixes, work/kids/family/bills/etc are all connected. So even I can has less interest in sex if there’s a lot of stress and things going on. I truly do not believe it’s you. It may be because in her mind there are so many things going on at once. For you it seems you can separate it, and focus on one at a time such as sex. So to her it seems like that’s all you think about and may make her feel that’s your main interest in her.
A lot of comments have made a good point about hearing the same thing all the time can be tiring. I feel she would have the same reaction if you were be talking about any other subject. Sex just may be a bit more of a sensitive subject. My advice would be to find other things to occupy your mind as best you can. Avoid any other triggers such as porn. Porn can help release some of the sexual tension for some but for me personally it makes it worse. I’ll also limit the amount of physical affection I give him as that’s a trigger for me too.
Maybe put some additional effort into reading the room. Know that she is receptive at the time to talking about sex. I am a very sexual person & I joke that my love language is talking about sex. I throughly enjoy it also & dedicating time into making it as good as possible. But sometimes my partner is just not in the same head space & I respect that.
My husband is very much the same way but he uses sex in many ways to reduce stress and I have to be relaxed to be super into it. So if it does annoy me at the time I don’t say anything. I send him messages and keep things going because I love him and I don’t want our sex life to die.
The only time I have ever felt like it was a prob was when I have been very overwhelmed at work but I tell him that so I don’t hurt his feelings and in my mid 40s when my hormones took a nose dive. I have been to the doc and been on hormone therapy for 2 years now and feel as good as new
I’m sorry she is making you feel this way. I would talk to her and see why she has changed her toon. Wish you luck
It’s a hint. Duh. Quit talking about it so much.Just do it.
As someone on the spectrum, do you think that you might also be? Hyper-fixation is definitely a spectrum trait and I try and dial it down around other people.
LOL your story, I thought you were describing my marriage! We are exactly like that, but my wife has accepted “I’m a guy, I’m supposed to have the dirty mind.” She loves the attention and sexy talk, she says it gets her in the mood for sexy time. I’ve asked a number of times if I’m too sex obsessed, or “exhaust her of my needy dick”, and all she says is ,”That’s you! Thats who you are.”. Granted, our toy chest has expanded over the years, and we do a broader range of sex stuff, but she’s all in. We’ve managed to keep our sex lives exciting, so neither of us are complaining. I don’t think anything is wrong with you, talk it out and of the issue really is your needy sex life, the issue may be something else but she makes jabs at it because it’s important to you.
Here’s your next thing to go all-in on; empathy! Learn how to read the room. Learn how to read your wife. There’s a time and a place, dude.
Agree with some others that she may want more emotional intimacy not involving sex. Obviously sex is a HUGE part of romance, intimacy etc. but so is an innocent cuddle on the couch, a candlelit dinner, surprising her with flowers, and just the little things.
Honestly my sex drive is higher when I feel emotionally appreciated on a deeeep level so make sure the personal connection is being nurtured as well.