Hi everyone!
Long story short: This guy I’m seeing has trouble getting hard/staying hard when putting on a condom. I would like to get your advice on what I can do to help/be more supportive.

For context, we’ve only had sex once, and couldn’t do PIV because he wasn’t getting hard immediately. So I gave him a handjob and a BJ which worked but as soon as we put the condom on, he went soft again. Repeat that cycle again, and then we just gave up on PIV.

He said that it’s happened before, he gets so much in his head when having sex with someone for the first time, that it’s blocking him. I totally get that and tried to not make a big deal out of it, said I completely understand. I wasn’t able to cum myself for the same reason even though he gave very good oral.

Edit to add: I should also add that he said he hates condoms (but definitely didn’t pressure me into not using one) and has had problems keeping an erecting when using a condom.

Edit: we’re both in our late 20s

Another factor is that he smokes weed regularly, if not daily. I have been having the same issues with a previous partner that is also a stoner. Could that also be the reason?

I don’t know how to approach this. I don’t want to tell him how to live his life, and I rarely don’t want to make him feel judged.

Any tips ?

10 comments

  2. You can help, practice putting one on with a banana or cucumber, then make it as sexy as possible with you doing it for him, with eye contact, or some other stimulation he likes.

    Also, they come in different sizes. If he’s unusually girthy, normal condoms may be too small. More info here: https://calcsd.info

  4. Yes it could be the weed.

    If you can get your hands on viagra, maybe tell him there’s some in the bathroom if he wants it and leave it up to him if he wants to take it

  5. Could be the weed or he could just be nervous…I would give it a few more attempts before you give up…Other suggestion to help —
    1. Have the condom ready/open before you start. Practice putting the condom on yourself with your hand or even mouth.
    2. Try transitioning more naturally from making out to sex — eg. When sitting in his lap kissing/grinding unzip/pull down his pants and slide him in with a condom of course
    3. When you realize that he lost it, if prefer when the woman just naturally switches back to kissing/grinding until I relax rather than asking what I want to do.

  6. Emotionally, loosing the erection once is devastating for a guy. Is greatly increases the chances it will happen next time, as you can bet he is thing of nothing else but that! Maybe having you put on the condom, and make it a very sensual thing, not a complete, stop all sexual activity, put on the rain coat, then resume. Alcohol, weed, nicotine, will all affect the erection, I completely agree. But for some guys, the change in pace, the change in sensation, will be enough to do it.
    I think sensuality will overcome that!

  9. It’s a common thing for some guys to struggle to get hard with brand new partners due to anxiety. The biggest thing is making sure there is no pressure at all to perform. Can’t do PiV? Do oral or use hands. Us guys can sense when you’re irritated or upset because of it and it will make things even worse.

  10. It’s not marijuana, it’s confidence, esteem, and/or probably too much pressure he’s putting on himself either consciously or subconsciously. I frankly don’t think there is much you can do, these things resolve in time as its easier to relax with familiarity, I’ve been there, lots of guys have. The best you can do might be to genuinely console, no expectations, relax..

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