Hey everyone, I’m seeking some insight and advice. My friend and I have known each other for about a year. We initially dated and had sex once, but we’re now just platonic friends. I don’t want to go into detail, but his life is basically pretty stressful/unstable right now, and he has a lot of unresolved emotional baggage. Despite this, we’ve been good friends and have remained in regular contact, talking at least a few times a week, sometimes everyday.
This past month, his communication has really dropped off. I initially wasn’t surprised by this. He told me he’d be out of town for work and would be very busy, so he wouldn’t be able to talk as much. But he’s supposed to be back in town now, and he still hasn’t reached out to me. We were supposed to hang out (we haven’t seen each other for awhile), but I hesitate to reach out to him. I’ve been the only one initiating lately, and while he replies, he’s less conversational than normal. He used to initiate conversation as much as I did, so something’s definitely shifted.
We also haven’t seen each other in person for a long time. I’m always the one trying to make plans, but he always flakes. A few months back, I told him how frustrating this was, because it was starting to feel like a one-sided friendship, with me putting in way more effort to hang out. He apologized, explaining his mental health and life circumstances, and I accepted this. This time around, he actually brought up hanging out… I got excited that I’d finally see him, but he hasn’t followed up.
He also deleted his instagram, for what that’s worth.
I’m not sure what to think… if it’s something going on with him (his life is crazy), or he just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Admittedly I do still have feelings for him (I haven’t voiced or acted upon them), so I am more sensitive to his behavior than I am with other friends. I hesitate to reach out because I am fed up with his ongoing unreliability, and I’m trying to save myself from more hurt.
I’m honestly really confused and hurt by this shift in behavior. I miss talking to him. Nothing changed between us to prompt this shift in behavior. Prior to this, we were talking everyday.
TL;DR I haven’t heard from my guy friend in awhile. My feelings for him complicate things. Does he not want to talk to me, or is something going on in his life? Should I reach out, or wait for him to message me?
3 comments
Maybe something changed for him after you hooked up or he feels like you want more. If you feel as though you’ve been the one trying more then I’d just let it be.
He probably requires some space and doesn’t know how to tell you. I would take the hints of him flaking on you to meet up and not initiating communication as clear signs. Honestly, I’ve find these ‘friendship with feelings’ type of relationships very messy. Once you cross that line of being platonic things tend to get weird; One person always likes the other more.
I think you are more sensitive to it because you like him
I definitely go through periods of my life where I can’t hang out with people much, and I will go weeks without texting some friends too
If you guys were supposed to hang out, follow up and see if he’s down. If he flakes, I wouldn’t read into it too much. I’d assume it’s what he said, that he literally is just overwhelmed and not in the space to regularly meet up
On the other hand I can very much understand it being frustrating from your pov. If you’ve reached out 5 times in 5 months about meeting up, and he’s not been available for any of them, definitely many people would just give up at that point and leave the ball in the other person’s court. Not because they’re worried the other person is mad or uninterested in a friendship necessarily, but just to protect their energy for effort that is more useful. Another option is to start spacing out the asks more…again to preserve your own energy and sanity mostly. Good luck