The question first: why is it considered a weakness that I am speaking about what I feel and why? Especially in the office setting but also in general
So here’s a little background info: due to a big variety of reasons I (30F) have been able to learn different communication skills, I consider myself well trained in nonviolent communication and I’d describe myself as a honest and passionate person overall.
At work there have been numerous situations in which I have had a talk with a person and that person then says kind of: “oh wow you maybe shouldn’t be that emotional and care less about how this environment works”
And I really don’t get it. I am not emotional? I have feelings and I am able to put those in words in order to explain why I have this or that opinion about a certain topic. Because opinions are not only made by pure facts, there are also valid emotions involved.
So for example: I think it’s shockingly unfair how few workers are expected to compensate for staff shortage whereas others are not even being considered. I was describing this phenomenon as its happening right now and how I’m just angry about the injustice. I was answered with sighs and blablabla that it’s like that everywhere and I shouldn’t be thinking about it so much.
But ITS SO UNFAIR?? and INJUSTICE MAKES ME MAD!?!?
3 comments
The workplace is an area where people are expected to show less emotion. I think because getting emotional about things can seem disruptive, and generally workplaces want you to use established procedures/systems to address things. (such as workplace conflict)
So there is a chain of command and a place to go with suggestions, complaints or problems. Otherwise the workplace would become the Wild West, which would be greatly inefficient in terms of getting work done.
If you’re bringing up concerns and issues often, then it could feel like a lot of negative talk and complaining which nobody really likes to listen to in general… Feelings are one thing, but complaining about how business is done is not a useful expression unless you have some idea about how to solve the problems. If you have a solution in mind, or want to brainstorm with your team about it, then bring the issue to light in a meeting, officially. But if what you’re actually doing is just complaining, then I would try to limit such emotional shares at work, it only works against you. Also being sensitive to how You are treated might come across as Not being sensitive to anyone else except yourself, so check yourself before concluding that you have been mistreated… there could be loads of reasons why someone acts the way they do and assuming there is any ill intent will not be received lightly.
I obvs don’t know you or the situation. I can’t talk about you personally so I’ll just throw down some thoughts from my experiences that may hopefully be useful.
​
**Different perceptions.**
Think of spicy food. What’s too hot for me may not be too hot for you.
What you may feel as just normal venting, others may perceive as over-venting (i.e. complaining). Most people try to avoid or disregard what they see as over-venting/complaining.
**Gender differences.**
You’ve probably seen this a lot with male friends/relationships. Instead of saying ‘I’m sorry’ when you talk about something they jump right into ‘how can I fix this’. Where your girlfriends may be more inclined to console you and not try to solve it.
So if you’re around male co-workers the natural impact of ‘venting’ will be much more significant.
Personally, I don’t get annoyed when someone has a problem. But I get *super annoyed* when they just talk about the problem without also talking about solutions.
**Positive to negative emotion ratio**
In general, people don’t want to be around negative emotions. Not from themselves or from others. Especially when they are strongly expressed.
So if you accidentally express a lot of negative emotions, people around will reflexively associate negativity with you. Then they’ll reflexively try to ignore you or get out of those conversations.
But if you even more frequently express positive emotions, they’ll agree with you a lot more when you do vent.
​
**Ideas**
Pay attention to how much your co-workers vent or complain. That will give you a good sense of their ‘venting sensitivity’.
Maybe keep a journal of your positive-to-negative ratio. Then work towards increasing the positive emotion expression at work.
Express your emotions or vent more to women than men.
Talk about solutions or ask for ideas after you express yourself (especially around men)
​
​
*I realized as I finished writing this that I never once said ‘sorry that sucks’. I unintentionally confirmed the gender differences I pointed out above.
But yes, I am sorry. That sucks that you don’t seem to be listened to at work :/