We’ve been together for 8 years. A few months ago we got engaged. A couple of weeks ago she told me that a guy she used to have a thing with had texted her and sent her a dick pic, at which point, she told me that she’d blocked him. We laughed it off, and I thought nothing more of it.
Last night I used her phone to text one of our family group chats because my battery was dead. When I went onto whatsapp, I saw that she had continued texting this guy, with multiple selfies and explicit images sent both by him and her.
One of the photos she sent was of me going down on her, that I was unaware she’d taken. For some reason, that’s the thing I’m most angry about.
When I saw this text exchange, I was in shock and only saw the images, not the content of the messages. We were about to go to bed anyway so I said nothing, went to bed and left the house to go to work this morning, but it’s been spinning around my mind ever since. I understand that I need to talk about it, but I am very non-confrontational and don’t even know how I’d start or what to say.
How do I start a productive conversation about this without spiralling? And is this a reason to postpone or reconsider our engagement?
32 comments
It’s a reason to call off an engagement and forget this woman ever existed.
Sending nudes to an ex is bad enough, taking intimate photos of you and sending them to an ex is disgusting.
Id blow her up completely, pack her things and throw her on the doorstep, you could do better
It’s not that hard to come up with a way to talk too her about this, I would start with I know what you are doing and with who we are done so pack up your cheating ass and get out. There is nothing to consider here she has lied and cheated so you can never trust her completely again. She will never admit it but the reason she is with you is because you are the safe option, the type of guy she wants to be with is her ex. If you try to work through this it will never work in the long run because she doesn’t respect you so do yourself a favor and turf her ass to the curb.
Be thankful, she told you now who she is before she was truly financially linked to you.
A lot of guys out there describe this situation as her now having surety in the relationship. You are engaged, she has you, she can now let her mind wonder a bit about what else is out there. It seems to be a common theme when a woman stops worrying about her man. Sometimes it is marriage, sometimes it is after kids, sometimes an engagement. Basically, she has taken you for granted.
Use her phone again and take screen shots of it all. You will need this later on as she WILL deny everything to everyone and paint you as the bad guy. It will happen, it always does.
Next, do not mention the phone and that you know, at all. This is important. You want to ‘soft’ confront her. That is, just bring it up as a suspicion. ‘Hey, you wouldn’t be actually talking to him would you?’. ‘Would you send him nuds, sext, any of that?’ Key here is that you do not let her know you know the truth, but are just asking because of random suspicion. Let her think she can convince you of her ‘truth’. But keep asking to see where it goes.
Basically ask her questions without her knowing that you know the truth and give her the chance to tell the truth or lie. Pay attention to how easily she lies, how convincing she is. Let her gaslight you, and watch how natural it is. Let trickle truth you and see how that works.
Now, if she immediately confesses to all, that is one thing and maybe you can work with it. But if she does the standard trickle truth gaslight etc. That is something else. It will help you move on to see her do these things if that is the path she takes.
It would be great (law providing) for you to record the entire conversation for future reference.
End things with her, maybe reveal the screenshots at that point. If needed.
Well at least you found out now that she isn’t wife material. Use her as a transition piece until you find her replacement
Yes this is definitely a reason to postpone or end an engagement. For me this would be a dealbreaker.
To try and make the conversation productive think about what you want to say beforehand and think about the different potential outcomes you want dependent on what she says. If she lies/denies/ blames you what do you want to do as a first step. If she accepts accountability offers some explanation what do you want to do as a first step.
If you decide you want will definitely want to end it this prep time is the chance you have to research the best way to seperate and set out what you want on your terms. Look into your lease, get advice if you own shared or individually, shared accounts and assets etc. It might be worth researching this regardless of whether you decide to do this now.
Its better to think things through and be clear as revealing this is going to be extremely emotional. Do you have someone you can trust who you can sit down with and talk through what you want to say and do.
Definitely at least put marriage plans on hold and dont spend anything on wedding stuff.
At a minimum, do not legally tie yourself to this woman.
Like ever.
You don’t have a fiancé bro
Why do you want to be productive? She cheated dude. You end it.
“We’ve been together for 8 years”
And she’s still hung up on some ex from eons ago? Dude, wtf?! End the engagement she IS NOT THE ONE! You can’t marry someone that has been with you almost a decade and she’s still in contact and sending that stuff to an ex from that long ago, that is proof she hasn’t gotten over him! There’s nothing to talk about, leave her!
Grow a spine.
Your instinct right now is to look for answers, which is understandable because your whole world has just been turned upside down. But there are no good answers here, and your fiancee is not going to be honest after years of lying.
She cheated because she’s selfish, that’s the only reason that matters. What she’s done is breakup-worthy offense, so just skip to end and leave and spare yourself the heartache of asking why. I guarantee if you do the answer will only make you angrier or more depressed.
You need to get evidence so that you are not gas lit and then confront, then you need to decide where you go. 8 years and she decides to have an affair, this is an emotional affair. Personally i would leave, thats super disrespectful.
Is this a reason to postpone the engagement?
That depends, do you want to marry a cheater?
why would you postpone or or ask if you should reconsider the engagement??
your girl clearly isn’t in love with you. plane and simple
Need to make her your Ex-Fiance.
Also her sending the photo of you going down on her is a huge violation. Probably straight up illegal some places.
Starting that conversation is easy. Just say: Hey XYZ, you have 48hours to pack your stuff and find a place to stay because the engagement is off the table. You can ask your ex, maybe he can share his bed with you. Bye.
It’s reason to make them your ex-fiancé. Anything else would just bring more pain your way.
She has broken the relationship, cancel the engagement, cancel relationship and move on.
Only herself to blame for sexting and lying
Ex fiance you mean.
Listen guy. The folks of Reddit always say to leave. But we all know it’s not that easy especially after 8 years. Couples counseling ASAP. It sounds like your partner may be experiencing cold feet. People have worked through worse. It’s worth discussing with your fiancée – after all, maybe she (stupidly, immaturely) wanted to show this guy what he lost out on? Maybe that’s why she showed you being intimate; maybe it’s a sex act he would never or rarely perform on her? I don’t think it’s helpful for people to just say walk away when after 8 years you’ve invested enough to give this a chance. Trust can be restored and boundaries reestablished, especially if pic sexting is as far as this got. I will say that her sharing the pic of you both is why I’m writing this – i could see it being reverse revenge porn, in a way. At least talk to her about it.
You know what you have to do. Cancel the engagement and kick her out.
She cheated and you want a productive conversation lmao, like no wonder she cheated bro
“I am very non-confrontational and don’t even know how I’d start or what to say.” I can help. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Followed by “Are you fucking serious!?” finished up with “GET THE FUCK OUT!” There ya go.
Oof, there’s a lot going on for you here.
She’s been with you for 8 years but she’s sexting and sending pics of you going down on her to an ex from before that? How many years are we talking in terms of them splitting up?
I agree with a comment made about the pecker pic which says she’s was covering her tracks by telling you about it. That kind of makes it seem like you can trust her to be open and honest if you ever saw anything
The photo of you doing your thing—that’s a huge invasion of *your* privacy. Whether she chooses to be a dumb ass and share photos of her body with someone is her issue, but sharing photos of you could be used for bribery and also breeches privacy and trust.
Take some screenshots if you can, then confront her with them reading them off from *your* screen, not hers. There’s absolutely no way you could trust her after that. If the roles were reversed and you sent your ex a pic of her going down on you, you’d be in deep 💩. This is exactly the same thing and you could go to the police about it because you didn’t give consent
It’s unreal how many posts there are like this.
What message content would somehow make this ok to you OP?
The woman you’re engaged to, a fully grown, 31 year old woman, violated your privacy, took a pic of you eating her out, and sent it to the ex who sends her dick pics, that she assured you she had blocked. He’s basically a *more intimate* partner in your relationship *than you are*
I mean… By what logic would you *not* postpone the engagement?
Steal your ring and run!
*And is this a reason to postpone or reconsider our engagement?*
Christ man. Find your back bone.
You are seeing this all wrong. For some exes/situations you have to remind them of what they lost. It’s like twisting the knife in deeper.
Just remember that you get the physical and he only gets the digital. You guys can work this out, good luck.
Another fake bites the dust
She’s trying to get him jealous of you and she wants her ex to chase her. Sorry, I meant side dude.
This is literally a crime
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revenge_porn
Please go to the police 🙁
What she did was a crime in many states. Without your consent, she sent a pic of you engaged in a sex act to someone else.