Throughout a couple years I’ve noticed the couple times that I’ve had sex that my interest, or how turned on I am seems to come from whether or not my partner is too. If they give a straight face, don’t react to anything, don’t make noise, etc, then I start to get turned off pretty fast and it becomes much less fun. What is this?? Why? I jokingly call it a “sex empath” but at this point that’s how it feels? Why is my sexual interest determined on whether or not they’re interested or not?
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it’s pretty universal.
I also deal with this. If my partner isn’t into it, it isn’t a ton of fun. For me, it makes it seem like she’s just doing it as a chore and really isn’t into me. Honestly it’s pretty tough to swallow when it happens.
You sound perfectly reasonable healthy sex should be all about mutual pleasure and satisfaction so If one partner isn’t actively showing any enjoyment I’d imagine it would be super boring or a chore. Who wants to have sex with a starfish you might aswell masturbate
I’m the same way. I feel like this is mostly a good thing, but there are a few things about it I feel like I need to manage:
* I need to never settle for mere consent — I need there to be ENTHUSIASM, or nothing. “Maintenance sex,” where my partner isn’t really into it but wants to throw me some pussy because she knows I haven’t had any in a while, corrodes my sexual self-worth from the inside out. Which is tricky, because in a situation like this, the other person is frequently coming from a place of love and wanting me to feel satisfied within the relationship. But I know better than to accept that these days.
* No CNC. I’m a bit of a kinkster, but consensual non-consent, or “rape play,” just shuts my shit DOWN and I want nothing to do with it. No judgement for those who enjoy, it’s just not right for me. So if my partner has a kinky streak, I need her to know that I have that hard limit. Hell, I’ll even steer clear of most “brat play.” You don’t want to do the thing? No, I’m not going to MAKE you do it, you just said you didn’t wanna. As far as my dick is concerned, this conversation is over.
* I need to not over-focus on her pleasure. Yes, I want her to enjoy herself, and to feel like getting into bed with me was both a splendid idea in the moment and something she should definitely consider in the future. But over-investing in her orgasm is a huge mistake, that whole “YOU MUST CUM OR THIS FUCK IS A FAILURE!!!” energy can come through and be DEEPLY off-putting. (And ironically, help make sure she DOESN’T get off, because seriously, who enjoys that kinda pressure?) I sometimes need to remind myself that the goal isn’t anybody’s orgasm, it’s to do stuff that feels good. Orgasms will be sincerely invited and welcome if they do show up, but they’re not mandatory.
Anyway. It’s an important thing to know about yourself. Embrace it.
Sex is no different than being with anyone *who isn’t having a good time or fun to be with*.
Being of the same state of mind makes being together a much more enjoyable experience.
Essentially, that is the underlying definition of having chemistry and being compatible.
Has the hookup culture created people who think it’s abnormal to care about anyone’s pleasure but their own? Are Partners just objects they masturbate in or on? What kind of sociopath would want someone that just lies there and doesn’t react?
Sex is a game played between TWO participants.
If your partner doesn’t seem into it, then you feel undesirable and unattractive and unwanted, and that’s very unsexy