My boyfriend and future fiancé that I love with all my heart is so bad in bed and it annoys me so much. He can’t even kiss me right and I’m so tired of directing his every little move just to make it somewhat okay.
His kisses are too hard, it’s like he’s putting his head’s weight on my face and I can’t move my lips unless he reduces the weight. I’ve told him a million times about this while kissing and I still have to remind him till this day. Besides the weight, he is also very monotone. No playfulness no changing the rhythm.
When we have sex he has noooooo fucking clue what to do with my pussy and clit. He has a good dick and he knows how to use it well but I don’t cum from PIV sex, I need clitoral stimulation. I’ve guided him, shown him, held his hand in the process and **nothing** works. I’m getting so frustrated, he is so bad at everything that has to do with handling a partner, he lack rhythm and coordination. I have yet to have my first orgasm by him..
Not to mention the enormous feeling of disappointment when I have to tell him the 100th time not to do something or to actually touch me right. 5 years later and he still hasn’t figured out how my body works.
Help, how can you fix an unfixable lover? I’ve done the talking, the showing, the guiding, now what???? Am I doomed to have bad sex and awful makeout sessions forever?
41 comments
“Am I doomed to have bad sex and awful makeout sessions forever?”
Any reason to believe the next 5 years are going to be different than the last 5 years?
You’re setting yourself up for a miserable marriage if you stay with him
Um you may need to end it with him. Seriously. After 5 years and he can’t even learn from your guidance, he’s a lost cause and you need to get your nut off.
**You can’t fix him**.
Absorb that fact. Mediate on that fact. Accept that fact.
Sex can be treated many different ways. Some people see it as eating: something that is essential to exist. Others see it as a superfluous thing that is nice —*like being able to drive and owning a car*— but not essential to life.
You have to decide for yourself which it is. Because he’s not going to change. **Never assume that he will change**. For more than 250 weeks he’s shown you exactly who he is and what he’s about. He’s not changing. Cutting him off won’t even change him; that will only either **a.)** prompt him to temporarily appease you with the some paltry effort or **b.)** claim that you’re being cruel and that “*You always loved it! Why are you suddenly saying you don’t!*”
I’m sure that you wouldn’t be engaged to him if he wasn’t what you wanted in every other way. I’m sure that you’re not compromising. I’m sure there are no other ways in which he’s just this callous and unconcerned about your needs.
I’m sure. Cough. Cough.
I don’t usually like making a broad generalization about a person due to a singular thing but this *particular* singular thing is a behavior so inconsiderate that it’s just hard not to see it as a character trait that will show up elsewhere. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably see it.
Think back on the version of you who’d only been seeing your guy for a month or two. She comes to you like “*This guy I’m seeing seems alright but he’s the absolute worst lover and-*” you’d stop her right there and tell her to get out. Again, this guy might be wonderful in every other way but it’s also possible that you’re in this relationship because you’ve been with him for five years. A year ago you were with him because you’d been with him for four. A year before that it was because you’d been with him for three. Etc, etc.
But there was a point at which you hadn’t put in enough time to outweigh how bad of a lover he is. And the issue is: **we just don’t get time back**. So are you going to be happy with another five years of this? Another ten? Do not think in terms of it changing. Assume that it will be the same thing that you’ve gotten for the last five years. You want another decade of this? Another decade of not wanting to bother? Of a parter who can’t satisfy you?
Is this like eating or is it like being able to drive?
At this point you did everything you can. So now ask yourself if it is really worth it to have bad sex for the rest of your life ? Is everything else about him enough ?
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Ii know people like to say, that sex isn’t everything in a relationship. And they’re correct. It isn’t. But it’s definitely a factor, and it’s completely normal as a human being/mammal. If you have already sat down and talked to him/guided him with what you enjoy and he still isn’t meeting those needs. Then it seems like you may want to re-consider the relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you love him, and want to make it work you can see if both of you can take a step back and talk about it more in depth. Take it slow, and don’t get mad if he doesn’t get it right the first time.
admit defeat and move on. he is selfish, he chooses not to change for you. to learn for you. to make it better for you. those are choices. he doesnt care about you pleasure
I literally broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years for this exact reason a few months ago. I loved him so much but my needs weren’t being met and I realized I couldn’t deal with bad sex for the rest of my life. I tried everything as well. We had many other issues but the bad sex was the final kicker.
I think you need to accept that you’re not sexually compatible at all.
If you have been clearly telling him for five years with no change there are only two options:
1. He doesn’t care.
2. He is not a bright person and incapable of receiving information and processing it.
So after 5 years of this, why in the world would you to refer to him as your “future fiancé?” Please don’t let it be a surprise for you when your marriage fails or is miserable because you have full awareness of these significant issues now.
Some people just aren’t physically compatible and it sucks because they may have a nice personality, but can’t satisfy your physical needs.
I’d suggest trying toys in the bedroom, they might rely less on one’s personal ability. If even that doesn’t work, then there’s the option of you stimulating yourself while having sex. It might not be what you envisioned, but atleast you might be able to get off?
If all of these aren’t the solution for you, then you might need to consider how important good sex is in your relationship. If it’s something that you want then you might need to break up with him, but then again you already put up with it for 5 years. So it might be worth it to still try until you’ve exhausted all possible solutions.
If it was important to him, he would remember what you like.
There are sex therapist’s you can see, tell him to watch porn (get some ideas) I’ve never heard of a man that doesn’t have rhythm. At the very least men have rhythm
5 years of this? He’s lazy and selfish in bed and he doesn’t care whether you enjoy it. He only cares that he’s enjoying it. You deserve a man who cares enough about you to make the effort to learn what you like and actually do things you enjoy. This guy ain’t it. Why are you even considering staying with someone like this? If he hasn’t made any effort in 5 years, he’s not going to. You need to either accept your future is only going to be disappointing sex with him, or wake up and realize you want more for yourself. You deserve more. Don’t settle for bad sex with a man that doesn’t give a shit.
Why the fuck didn’t you break up with him after like the first few times?
Been with my husband 15 years and he is terrible in bed. I’ve never orgasmed. It doesn’t get better when you get older and add exhaustion from careers and kids. Get out now.
Love will not conquer all here. If you marry him despite shitty sex, you will be miserable. Disney movies and 80s movies always teach people that love wins in the end. /r/deadbedroom will show you reality.
Maybe give him another 5 years
I really don’t understand how you can get to 5 years without even good make out sessions. How do you even still have chemistry to sustain a romantic relationship? Would you mind me asking how old you are, and if either of you have any other sexual experiences?
How would you describe him otherwise? Why are you in love with him? How would he describe you?
After five years, it’s as much your fault as his.
He seems pretty dense if he’s not able to learn and work towards being a better lover. I can’t image you ever see any improvement. If anything people tend to get lazier and fall into a rut once married and have to put a lot of effort into keeping the romance a live
Sex therapist is in order. They can help immensely. Or read the book – Come As You Are – together.
He sucks because he is not interested in your pleasure. Do you want to marry someone like that?
Sex therapy or maybe couples counseling? I hope you don’t end up resenting sex one day and end up in r/deadbedrooms
You are doooooomed for the rest of your life so your choices are
A- love without good sex
B- good sex but who knows you find love….
Why 5 years? If it’s been so bad why not quit
If he made it 5 years without improvement it’s not a skill issue it’s a care issue.
> Help, how can you fix an unfixable lover? I’ve done the talking, the showing, the guiding, now what???? Am I doomed to have bad sex and awful makeout sessions forever?
Probably? You’ve spent 5 years with him, and you’ve agreed to marry him, so one of you is about to have a wake-up call: either *you’re* going to realize that you’re doomed to have bad sex for the rest of your life, or at least until the 7 year itch causes a divorce, or you’re going to get *him* to realize you’re *not* getting married unless he puts a lot more effort into sex.
Which is it?
Hii
“I’m so tired of directing his every little move” – constantly being critical of him will only worsen the relationship and you still won’t get what you want. The problem may be your approach.
Marriage will probably fix it.
How about cowgirl
You have 3 choices:
1. Understand you will have bad sex for the rest of your life. Sex is a big deal. It can lead to divorce down the road.
2. Marry him and have someone on the side strictly for sex.
3. Break up now.
Girl what on earth made you stay for that long? With my bf it went the opposite way, I first realised he was an incredible kisser and lover and THEN I fell in love with his personality
Nah leave him
Is there anyone you know who can’t follow simple instructions? Or is it just him? Because he likely can indeed follow directions. How was he in school? Does he keep a job? Those required instructions that he was able to follow because it benefits him. Even though touching you correctly will also benefit him, he’s already getting everything he requires from you, so the extra effort isn’t worth it to him. Simple and plain, he couldn’t care less about your pleasure or comfort because his check is already in the mail as far as he knows.
I’m really sorry. I’m sure you can see examples of this in other parts of your relationship to him if you look without blinders on.
There are a very large amount of men who absolutely love to learn about your body the same way you’ve likely learned about his, because you love him, and your check is not in the mail so to speak.
Break it off with him now, don’t let this lead to infidelity and divorce court. The money you’d likely get won’t give you your youth back. Go be wild and free and get fucked properly while you can.
Have you tried using a clit stimulating sex toy? Maybe that could help because it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change or cares to change so if you want to stay with him bring in a clit stimulating sex toys could help.
…boyfriend is a temporary title. Boyfriends are for either upgrading (to husband) or for dumping. And five years is far too long to be sexually frustrated with a whole boyfriend in tow. No maam!