I’m grappling with a recurring issue and I could use your insights. It seems that in my interactions with others, I often feel disappointed, hurt, or offended, even though these issues are not always obvious. Many times, people are unaware of my sentiments or simply don’t care. Can I create genuine relationships without holding grudges? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
In various relationships, I’ve encountered a lack of loyalty, jealousy-inducing actions, disrespect, and other behaviors that leave me disappointed. While I’m not perfect, I hold certain values and ideals in my interactions. Sadly, it feels like only a few people embody these traits, intensifying my frustration.
My mom suggests letting go of grudges to expand my circle of friends. Should I suppress my emotions and lower my expectations? How can I genuinely enjoy the company of those I harbor negative feelings towards?
I’ve distanced myself from close friends, but during casual conversations, I exchange pleasantries and put on a facade. Deep down, they sense a change, even though I don’t always make it obvious. It’s a struggle I’m trying to navigate.
So, Reddit, have you faced similar challenges? How did you handle them? Any tips on cultivating healthier relationships? Your advice, personal anecdotes, or alternative perspectives would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your support!
2 comments
Hoboy.
Look, there’s no nice-nice way of saying what needs to be said, so I’m’a just come out with it. But before I do, it’s important that you know **it’s not personal**. I’m not out to get you or make you feel bad, ok?
>I’m grappling with a recurring issue and I could use your insights. It seems that in my interactions with others, I often feel disappointed, hurt, or offended, even though these issues are not always obvious. Many times, people are unaware of my sentiments or simply don’t care.
Right out the gate, you are making assumptions about other people, based on what *you think* their thought processes are. Like, making the blanket statement that people don’t care? There’s *layers* of shit wrong with that, and it all starts with “nobody is a goddamn mind reader”. *You* understand what’s going on inside your head- **nobody else does**. So assuming that someone isn’t reacting the way you’d like because the *only possible reason* is they don’t care is a pretty big leap.
>Can I create genuine relationships without holding grudges? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
#No, you *cannot*.
Holding a grudge is going to poison every relationship you have. *Especially* if your grudge is based on your own assumptions. You’re automatically assigning negative qualities to people before you even know them, then giving yourself a negative reaction to those qualities. That’s called a *Negative Feedback Loop*, my guy.
>In various relationships, I’ve encountered a lack of loyalty, jealousy-inducing actions, disrespect, and other behaviors that leave me disappointed.
Oh lookie here, red flags!
First of all- “lack of loyalty” is a bullshit non-starter turn of phrase. Nobody *owes you* loyalty out the gate, double-extra-especially if you can’t be assed to *assert your own intentions and boundaries*. You don’t lay out what “loyalty” even means, how is someone supposed to adhere to it?
Second- jealousy doesn’t exist all by itself, it comes from *some other feeling*. But you’re too busy assigning blame to *other people* for *your* emotions. Ain’t nobody can *make you* feel jealous, that’s on *you*. Might wanna figure out **why** you get jealous- see where it comes from- so you can *address your own behaviors and emotions*.
Disrespect? *Excuse* me!? Respect isn’t something you get to make demands of, bud. Like- some people use ‘respect’ to mean “treating someone like a *person*’ and some people use it to mean “treating someone like *an authority*”, and you ain’t no authority.
Other behaviors that leave you disappointed… Christ on a cracker, do you *hear* how pretentious you sound? You’re acting like errybody oughta just *magically know* how you expect them to behave, as if people you meet are rambunctious children who will stand up straight and behave at your approach.
>While I’m not perfect, I hold certain values and ideals in my interactions. Sadly, it feels like only a few people embody these traits, intensifying my frustration.
Sadly, it seems like you are *absolute ass* at communicating, so much so that you build up these **Unrealistic Expectations** in your head, then get all mopey when people don’t abide by those selfsame expectations *that nobody but* ***you*** *even know exist in the first fucking place*.
I’ll let you in on a secret: if you don’t *tell people* what you expect from them, ***they aren’t going to know***… so any “disappointment” you get from those interactions is *entirely* your own fault.
>My mom suggests letting go of grudges to expand my circle of friends. Should I suppress my emotions and lower my expectations?
She’s right, you *should* let go of grudges, because *it’s your own damn fault you* ***have*** *them in the first place*. That’s not suppressing *anything*. And the fact that you equate “holding a grudge” to “having emotions” is really telling- and it tells nothing *good*.
Not to mention how damaging it is to set expectations on other people without even *expressing* them in the first place.
Just… *wowzers*, guy. The lack of self awareness you display here is *stunning*.
>How can I genuinely enjoy the company of those I harbor negative feelings towards?
You can’t.
What you *can* do is “quit having negative feelings towards people who haven’t done a goddamn *thing* to deserve your ire”.
>I’ve distanced myself from close friends
And whose fault is that, hm?
>but during casual conversations, I exchange pleasantries and put on a facade.
And yet you have the *gall* to blame *them* for your negative response?
If you are always masking, people are only going to know the mask. *Nobody* is a mind reader, they only know what *you* tell them. Masking, then getting mad that they don’t know the real you, is some grade A bullshit.
>Deep down, they sense a change, even though I don’t always make it obvious.
#No. Stop. Halten. Basta.
Stop assuming other people’s actions, thoughts, and responses. *You do not live in their head.* *You* ***cannot*** *know what they think or feel unless they* ***tell you***.
>It’s a struggle I’m trying to navigate.
*Are* you, though?
>So, Reddit, have you faced similar challenges? How did you handle them? Any tips on cultivating healthier relationships?
You are carrying around ten tons of emotional baggage, and getting mad at other people for *your own* feelings. That’s not good, homie, and the longer you keep doing that, the more it will fuck you up.
Go to *therapy*. Unlearn the incredibly damaging shit you’ve learned.
I agree with you ! Do not expect anything from other people … ! And nobody owes you anything !
I live by the same rules … !
If someone don’t have the qualities i am looking for i just cut them off !
I don’t expect loyalty … I demand it and it is up the OP to decide whether to give it or not !
Life feels more rewarding if you live by your own set of rules !
I don’t expect respect .. I demand it or you will be equally treated !
Nobody can read other peoples mind … so i order to deal with that … civilized society had put … basic civic sense and politeness in to place !
My rules are simple … if some one don’t behave like a civilized human … treat them like an animal … !