Hi guys,
To try to keep it short and simple, me and my girlfriend has been official for six months and started dating three months before that. Our relationship so far has been nothing but a joy with only a few very minor bumps. I truly adore her, and it seems like she feels the same way about me.
A while back I learned from a friend who grew up in the same area as her, that she has been on and off fwb with a guy (lets call him Jim) for a couple of years before we started dating. He told me this because she had congratulated Jim on his birthday with a kiss emoji on Facebook and my friend thought that it was a little wierd when me and her had been official for a couple of months.
At the time I didn’t think much of it. Our relationship was still pretty young and I had no reason to suspect anything based on our time together.
We have talked a bit about previous relationships before but this is not something that she has mentioned. I knew that she had been seeing another guy (Poul) a few times up until when I asked her out. She was very upfront about this and said the she ended things with Poul because she was more interested in me.
I know that she has been sleeping with fwb, Jim, before she started seeing Poul, but not from her.
I do not care about what whe has been doing before our relationship started. I sure have my own history of different types of relationships.
My main concern is that my girlfriend is pretty active on Snapchat and keeps streaks going with a bunch of old friends from school and such, but I recently noticed that Jim is among one of those streaks. That combined with the kiss emoji for his birthday has suddenly hit me a little hard.
I have tried to keep this off my mind but recently it has started affecting me a lot and I have considered to bring my feelings to the table with her but I can’t decide if I should just let it be in the past.
I still have no reason to suspect any kind of cheating as we spend most of our time together but I have some periods where I am away with work for a couple of days and she still lives in the same place, in the same town as she did when she was seeing Jim.
Am i being wierd or are my feelings justified?
tl;dr GF had a fwb that she was with shortly before our relationship started. I recently learned that she still has some contact with him and it makes me feel bad. Should I talk to her about this?
6 comments
The communicating isn’t a red flag in itself but the kiss emoji would make me uncomfortable.
What are you doing to work on your insecurities? Your older have likely have a longer past, but you just sitting there judging hers and assuming she’s a cheater.
My gf used to sleep around quite a bit and still had contact with a lot of those people. She was incredibly open and honest about it, and practically demanded that I go through her phone to see that she stopped seeing anybody after we started dating. I told her I didn’t like that she was maintaining relationships with people she had been with recently, and she dropped them. These people weren’t important to her, she wasn’t important to them. So it was a gesture of good faith for my sake. The few of them she gave a shit about she explained the nature of their relationship, past and present, and I told her I was fine with it. Mind you this is a conversation SHE brought up because she was worried I’d find out on my own and take it poorly. A lot of guys do. It’s not something I ever judged her for, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with her talking with people that literally just want to fuck her. Hence, the people she slept with years ago, but had just maintained platonic relationships with more recently, I was fine with. Everybody has some level of insecurity – ignoring it because you know it’s nothing is one thing, pretending it’s not there is just immature. If it’s eating away at you, address it. Your situation sounds quite different, but IMO people that want to be with you, will be.
Honestly it sounds like you just need to have a discussion about it. Don’t be accusing, but if there’s nothing going on then talking through this really shouldn’t be that difficult for her. And *you* need to be open to the idea that it’s nothing BEFORE you have that conversation. It may be a dealbreaker for you, it may be totally fine. You’ll never know until you have that conversation
COMMUNICATION
Come at this from a place of respectful relationship boundaries…not insecurity or jealousy.
At some point…everyone has to decide if the present is more important than the past.
*So I need to tell you something and I want you to know this comes from a place of relationship boundaries, not insecurities or jealousy.*
*I am not comfortable with you being close friends with an ex FWB…especially one with whom you have years of history. I am a strong believer that the past belongs in the past. And when I enter into a relationship, I do my best to keep any past girlfriends or hookups completely in my rear view mirror so as not to cross any boundary with the woman I am dating. To me, its a sign that I am serious about the relationship and want to make sure I am living in the present and focused on the future.*
*You maintaining a friendship with a guy whom you used to be FWB with for years crosses a boundary for me. And I feel like we are approaching a crossroads in this relationship where we both have to decide if we see long term relationship potential or not.*
*I would never tell you what to do or who you can or can’t be friends with, but I am telling you that I do not know if I can continue this relationship without some kind of respectful understanding of this boundary.*
*I do know you are not the cheating type and to be clear, I do not suspect you have cheated or would ever cheat on me. But I also understand that my boundary may be a dealbreaker for you. And while it would be disappointing if this relationship were to end because of this hard boundary, I would respect your decision if you choose this friendship over this relationship because it’s your life and you have to do what is best for you.*
There’s absolutely no reason someone in a committed relationship should be sending kiss emojis to their ex fwb. That calls for a serious talk about boundaries and you should stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone treat you that way. It’s not insecurity, that’s just plain inappropriate.
Have some self respect and at least confront her about it. If you let it go, you’re a doormat.
I would never date someone who sends kisses to a dude she used to casually sleep with. WTF.