My current boyfriend and I started dating about 10 months ago. Here are some of the positives of our relationship that I adore:
– he tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me, appreciates me and everything I do, and envisions a future with me on a daily basis.
– he’s handsome, smart, funny
– I always feel like I can be my truest self around him, and my silly inner child comes out
– he’s an amazing cuddler, and we have insane chemistry in bed
– his family adores me, they call me almost everyday to tell me how much they love me and they express gratitude for the impact I’m making on their sons life
– his family and friends have said “she’s a keeper, man” and “she’s the one” on multiple occasions
– he’s met my family and they all love him
– he used to be TERRIBLE with communicating, I’m talking full on stonewalling/silent treatment, but after a few serious conversations he has improved on this sooo much, and is able to communicate how he feels now
The things I’m struggling with:
– he can be so messy. When I turn the day into a vibe where we blast music, and clean together, we get a lot done. He will choose what he chores he prefers to do without me having to lay them all out for him. And he is extremely thorough with it.
– so he lives at home with his parents, and they leave every two weeks to go work at a gold mine. When they are gone, they pay me (usually around $200) to help out around the house, with the dogs and his younger sister. So my boyfriend watches the dogs in the day while I’m at work, then I come by at the end of the day to feed them and walk them. He works night shifts (5pm-1am), and when he comes back he usually games until 3am. Sleeps in until 12. Watches tv all morning, might make himself some food, chills with the dogs before getting ready to leave for work.
– Since I’m getting paid, I used to just do everything full out while their gone: clean all the dishes, organize the fridge, clean all floors, bathrooms, etc. when I do the things I receive appreciation, (ie one time I detailed their fridge for hours because it smelt like hell and had mild growing in it, he showed his mom who said “can you just marry her already??”) anyways, after all this I then realized I’m literally the only one doing it all.
– the last few times I’ve come over it’s been a mess: his mom impulsively got a few week old puppy and then dipped for work. The older dog hates the new pup and has extreme anxiety around him/doesn’t interact well.
– so when I come over there’s usually 6-7 dog shits all over the place, bc puppy hasn’t learned to use his training mat yet. Pee everywhere. So I clean it all up. My bf shared with me today that his younger sister said she was grateful for me doing that because she didn’t have the motivation to do so.
– my boyfriends room, there were two puppy shits on the ground. I thought I’m gonna leave this and see how long it takes for him to clean it. I came back today and it’s still there on the ground. Food left out everywhere, it was disgusting.
I also find it annoying because I’ll send his mom pics of me walking the dog, etc and she’ll post it on fb saying “thank you *my name* and *my bfs name*!!” Like no, it’s just me, I’m the only one taking the dogs on a walk who are both so poorly trained it’s almost impossible to get anywhere without the oldest dog aggressively barking at every person and car that comes by.
Sometimes I ask him questions about what it will be like when we live together and he always reassures me he will put in equal work. One time I asked him if when he takes care of the kids he would call it “babysitting”, and he said “ofc not, those are my kids so how could it be babysitting?”
So I’m wondering if he’s just lazy and unhygienic in ways because of his living situation (his parents were not the best role models for this) or if this is what it will be like forever and he’s just telling me sweet nothings. I have empathy because when I was 21 living at home, I was extremely messy and my room was a disaster. I was pretty much the exact same as how he is. I’ve had a lot of life experience since then and have grown a lot.
I guess my question is , and advice I’m seeking is his mom expects us to help out equally around the house, but I’m doing it all. Do I just go ahead and clean the massive pile of dishes in the sink, or wait until he does it himself?
I’m sure as hell not cleaning his room, and if I come over for a night this weekend and it’s like that, I will honestly say yeah, no thanks, and just go home. I never want to take on a motherly role.
TL;DR: boyfriends parents leave for work and wants us both to help around the house. It feels like I’m doing everything. Do I go ahead and put in my work and clean, or leave it to him to step up to the plate? Is this something he will outgrow, or will this continue into his adult life?
3 comments
Did you try bringing it up with him? At the end of the day youre dating someone with no life experience. Hes 21 and aside from having a job sounds like a 15 year old. He still lives at home so he hasnt had to do any of the things youre talking about. Hes basically still a kid and youre doing the things he doesnt want to while giving him all of the things he wants anyways. Youre a replacement mom that he gets to bang. Talk about it in great length with him and literally say the words “it feels like im your mother sometimes” and i lf that doesnt shock him into shape then youre just meeting him at a bad time in his maturation. He needs to live alone to realize how much upkeep a household takes.
Dude…. this is not just messy: this is full on dysfunctional. You’re basically paid help at this point: who would sit in a house full of dog poop and pee without doing anything about it? In his own room even? You say you recognise the behavior when you were his age,but… would you ever leave dog poop in your own room?
The other problem with this is that while he gives the correct answers, you don’t really know if he’ll do what he says he will do. I doubt it.
Also, if he knows the correct answers: how is it possible that he doesn’t recognize the situation in his own home? If I were honest, his mother probably thanks the both of you, because she knows this in no way looks good, if the gf of your son has to take care of the house like a baby sitter, while your 21 year old does nothing.
I’d talk to him about this and tell him that you feel like a babysitter and are doubting that it’ll change if you ever live together. He has to at least keep the house a baseline level clean because this is really bad.
I think you need to stop this “I get paid to clean my boyfriend’s parents house” arrangement **right now**.
Are you a girlfriend or are you a cleaner? This arrangement is blurring the lines.
Also, I’m really bothered with this:
> one time I detailed their fridge for hours because it smelt like hell and had mild growing in it, he showed his mom who said “can you just marry her already??”
I’m sure they think you’re wonderful, but it sounds like they’re *most* excited about “oh thank God, we’ve got someone else to take over parenting our son. We no longer have to worry about our son drowning in his own filth because this lovely housebroken girl is going to take care of him.”
You should not be cleaning your boyfriend’s parents house. You are their *guest*. And you are not a professional cleaner so it makes no sense for them to pay you to clean their house.
Worst of all, it’s blurring the lines around “who is responsible for cleaning this mess?”. Subconsciously, your boyfriend and his sister are thinking “well, someone else is being paid to deal with it, so I/we don’t have to worry about it.”
Stop cleaning. If you go hang out at the house, clean up after yourself, but don’t touch any mess you didn’t make. If the house is a disaster zone when they come back, they need to address it with the people who made the mess.
And are you *sure* you’re still attracted to a guy who is happy to sleep in a room with literal shit on the floor? Love doesn’t actually cover all.