my boyfriend and i have been together for pretty much a year currently in a ldr. last weekend was the first time we met irl and we ran into an issue when we tried having sex. he’s been open with me since the start of our relationship about the bad experiences he’s had when it came to relationships and sex. one thing he told me from the start was anytime he tried having sex with a women they always made fun of his size and would make comments like “i thought you’d be bigger than that” since there’s the stereotype that black men are huge and he’s about average. he’s also told me that when he’s tried having sex he’s never been able to keep it up. he’s able to keep it up by himself when he’s masturbating so i always figured not keeping it up with someone else was caused by the comments that would be made to him or that he was trying with the wrong person. but we ended up running into the same issue when we tried having sex
the second day he was here we did a bit of foreplay and things seemed to be going well but the second i’d either touch him down there or we’d get ready to move forward he’d go soft. this happened multiple times and ended up causing him to break down and cry in my arms because he felt like i’d end up leaving him like everyone else and all he could see when he looked at me was their faces. at that moment i realized his past has played a bigger number on him than i thought. by the third and fourth day he was here there was some progress made and i started to be able to touch him without him going completely soft. i’m sure a lot of what him and i are facing with this is caused by his past and that it’ll take time to help him through it since he’s never even been with someone who cares about him. i’m sure there could possibly be other issues causing this but he’s not comfortable going to a doctor about it so i’m trying to learn more myself and hopefully get advice from people who have gone through this themselves or been with someone who has so i can help him as best as i can
TLDR: my boyfriend (26M) hasn’t been able to “keep it up” during sex or when someone touches him but can keep it up by himself during masturbation
2 comments
There’s a really bad stereotype for black males as you know. Therapy might help with a severe cause of dismorphia
Another reason could be deathgrip if you have heard of it. It’s overstimulation during masturbation. So definitely Pause masturbation and porn for a while and see if that helps.
how often are you going to be able to meet up. This seems like a problem you can definitely fix with time and patience, but that might be difficult in your current situation. In fact the pressure that these 2 days are his only chance to impress you for another 6 months (or whatever) might be making it worse. I have no idea what I am talking about, but i a couple approaches come to mind.
You could try taking piv off the table next visit. Have him masturbate while you caress him. You could jerk him or blow him and establish ahead of tme that you don’t care if he goes soft for that you’ll just keep on loving it. Stuff like that to just take the pressure off. Also you should def not forget to have him pleasure you how you like for both of your sakes.
There are also devices you dont need to go to a doctor for like pumps and cock rings that can force/sustain errections. I’ve never used them so don’t know how well they work. But it seems very plausible to me that if they do work for him to have good sex the problem would go away quickly.
Therapy is obviously another alternative that he could benefit from.