Husband Cheated… Now What?

36 comments

1. If you actually WANT to reconcile, then head over to the AsOneAfterInfidelity. They are a pro-reconciliation forum with a lot of resources and strategies to reconcile.

   When you’re ready you really should have a conversation with the AP so you have information. I realize you won’t believe it all, but she did contact you. Your husband would not have said anything if she hadn’t. He’s lied and cheated for months.

   The group says APs need to go NC and if they are working together the affair isn’t over.

2. Sometimes, you can see how an affair came about because of a history — maybe sex had dropped off, or you weren’t spending time together, or what have you — so you can see that there’s some explanation (not an excuse) for an affair.

   But what you describe sounds more like he wanted to set up a relationship with someone who didn’t know he was married, and he carried on with it until something made him decide to stop talking with her.

   While it is possible that she’s lying about what happened, your husband isn’t denying that there was an affair, and he is still responsible for that.

   It is your choice if this is something you can live with or not. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean you’d forget; you’ll never forget. Forgiveness just means you won’t bring it up in the future, or otherwise use it against him.

   If you otherwise have a great marriage, you might — maybe — be able to get past the affair. But it sounds like his “trickle truths” and bad-mouthing his affair partner are indicative of his attitude about this. He’s trying to avoid communicating as much as possible. That’s not a good way to demonstrate that he has remorse over having an affair, and is trying to be open about what happened and why.

   If you think it is worth trying to see if the relationship can be saved, tell him you expect him to set up an appointment for the two of your with a licensed marriage counselor. He has to make the appointment when it works for both of you, tell you when it is and how much it costs, and commit to going for a number of sessions. In those sessions, you can be honest about being uncertain of wanting to continue the marriage because of how grudgingly he reveals information about the affair (not to mention having the affair in the first place).

   If he refuses to do this, or believes that marriage counseling serves no purpose, then he isn’t going to try to change. Remember this: It isn’t enough for him to say, “Sorry, won’t happen again.” There’s more that has to happen to rebuild a relationship after infidelity.

   I suggest reading the book *After the Affair*, by Janis Spring. She’s a marriage counselor and wrote the book for people dealing with affairs — both the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner — as well as people who are supporting those partners. It can help you sort through your thoughts and feelings on this.

   The key concept is that it takes a commitment by both partners to get past this affair, and if he isn’t showing that effort, you are more likely to get a repeat situation if you continue the marriage. Some people have affairs for other reasons, and are willing to try to make the marriage better. You just have to figure out if he’s that kind of guy, but it doesn’t sound like it right now.

3. You have lots of good replies so far. One thing I will add, is trickle truthers are pretty much the worst kind of liar there is. Extremely dangerous person to interact with.. There might be 3 other women, but he will NEVER admit it unless you find evidence, and he will only admit up to what you found out.

   For me, this would be an unrecoverable situation. It isn’t like, he realized he’s a piece of shit and regrets it and confessed to you. It isn’t some fling that happened while drinking where he confessed when he came home from a work trip. This is something that not only happened with intention, but even worse he is only being truthful about stuff you’ve actually uncovered. IE no real remorse.

4. All I’m going to say is, once a cheater always a cheater. Same with once a man puts hands on you, it’ll happen again.

   Do what’s best for you, is this the first time it’s happened or the first time you’ve found out?

5. So he cheated, got caught, and is lying about the situation. Only trickle truthing now.

   I’d honestly consider all of my options. Perhaps start with counseling and see if you feel you can work on a way forward together or not. You wouldn’t be wrong for deciding that you ultimately can’t get beyond this, and the affair and lying is too much to salvage. But it’s also OK to not know what to do and to need time to process and figure out how to navigate this.

6. I would speak to several divorce attorneys and pick one, ask what divorce looks like for you. Also, ask about a post nup with an infidelity clause. Then, ask him to move out for a few days or a week. To give you time to think about what you want to happen.

   Only you can decide if you want to give him a second chance, but if you do, he must sign the post nup and have a full std screening done.

   It is worth speaking to his AP to find out if they used protection, etc.

   Updateme!

7. If you want to continue he needs to quit his job and prove no contact. It’s a long haul. Many hugs.

8. Updateme!

   If she didn’t confront you, You would’ve never known.

   Not only did he cheat, he embarrassed you and took her out publicly while you were at home waiting for him.

   He not only cheated but he lied on you and said he PAID YOU to marry him for a green card the disrespect and betrayal is real.

   The fact that he still works with her should be enough for you to leave him, he didn’t even ghost her properly.

   You deserve better and if he is on a green card screw Him let him go back cause obviously he does appreciate you or the life he has with you.

   If you stay make him sign a postnuptial agreement with an infidelity clause to protect yourself.

9. Do not believe a Word he says. Believe Actions, Not Words. It’s Absolutely because he got caught that he is “Sorry”, Period.

10. Cheating is a deal breaker for me, you will have to decide if it is for you. The reason why it is a deal breaker – **CHEATING IS A CHOICE** end of story. He CHOSE to do this time and time again. He also lied by omission over and over again. He isn’t even remorseful, he’s just mad he got caught. There is no way to come back from that.

    Check out ChumpLady’s blog as there is a ton of good information and resources for those who have been cheated on.

    Remember **HE CHOSE TO DO THIS**. For me, that’s all I needed to know.

11. If you do not have kids, I wouldn’t stay in this marriage. I think he was done with that relationship, and he ended it because he wanted to. Maybe she was starting to get too needy and he realized this was headed towards a blow out.

    I don’t think he planned on telling you about it at all. You found out about it but he has not taken accountability for it. He is still trying to blame her, make her out to be the problem, and say whatever to make his behavior seem less bad than it was. Even after being confronted, he is still lying, and that to me is even more unforgivable than the affair.

    I don’t think this is going to be the last time – he is not behaving like a person with true remorse. I’m sorry this happened to you. It happened to me too. I got a divorce and never looked back.

    Just curious – how was the marriage before this? Did everything seem good? Could you see any difference in his behavior since the affair started (in hindsight)?

12. **What do I do now**

    Decide if you want to remain married. If no, divorce. If yes, MC and possibly individual therapy for both. Through MC, develop a roadmap to rebuilding trust and repairing the damage he did to the relationship.

    **The affair partner wants me to call her**

    You need to block her as much as he does. You know about the affair now. There is no reason for you to pursue any additional information or “kinship” with her from here. This woman knew he was married (for greencard or otherwise) and chose to continue a relationship. She is just as culpable as he is and she only got upset because he ghosted her.

13. How can you trust a man that cant even keep it in his pants at work? You gonna force him into early retirement? He told her the marriage was fraud and actually he is right because he is a phony fuck. Sorry OP leave him before he gets you pregnant

14. Visit r/survivinginfidelity

    Your husbands lack of honesty when you caught him would be a huge final mail in the coffin of the marriage if I was his wife. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. His responses aren’t to reassure you of his love but to reassure you of his affair partner’s “craziness”. He sounds incredibly selfish.

15. You can try to reconcile, but the road will be arduous and full of uncertainty. My wife cheated on me and it really messed me up at the start. You can get through it but you need to try to trust again and of course if you have any doubts or concerns he should accommodate you quick to keep that trust. If he doesn’t want to, it probably won’t work. You should also figure out WHY he felt the need to cheat.

    My preferred option if I was in your shoes – find another person. This guy doesn’t seem to really look out for you. It will be a tough process but you really want to be in a loving relationship where you feel at peace, not uneasy. You don’t have kids either. The biggest hurdle I see here is mutual friends. That part is difficult. You either make peace with hanging out together or your friends will have to pick and choose. Or you make new friends. Hope this helps and so sorry you had to go through this.

16. You were given a gift by finding out. Go be free and find a man who loves you and only you. Tell him goodbye 👋

17. My wife cheated on me once. If you consider making out with another dude cheating (which I kind of do). I’m not sure she was ever gonna tell me, but I found out after reading a back and forth text with this guy. She had known him since they were young, and pretty sure always had a crush on him. They were at a bar one night and she said he approached her, they kissed for a bit and that was it. She did seem a bit remorseful in the text with him so that helped. Still, that offense is pretty mild compared to your situation and I still have some animosity about it 7 years later. You have to ask yourself if you’ll ever be able to forgive him and move on, and what life looks like for you moving forward. The keyword there is YOU. Look out for #1.

18. Here’s the thing… he’s still lying about it. He hasn’t come clean, he got caught. And instead of owning up to it, he’s trying to place the blame on her when you have proof, in writing, of the truth.

    That’s the part that I wouldn’t be able to get past. The fact that he can’t even respect you enough to be honest.

19. If you dont have children with him please walk away. This is coming from someone thats in a similar situation but with one child. Things wont be the same because you will ALWAYS wonder if hes out there cheating again. He will appologize and maybe even cry and get on his knees…dont fall for it. You will become miserable, I promise you. He will do it again. DONT have children by him UNTIL he gains your trust….but i am 99% sure it wont happen.

20. If you have no kids, I’d make a clean break. Even if you had kids, I’d consider doing the same. This wasn’t a “one time” thing. It was a whole relationship.

21. Hugs OP! I completely empathize with where you are. Individual therapy to work through your own feelings. My Ex-husband also cheated with a co-worker. I showed up home one night after dinner alone due to us fighting around that time, to find a car in my driveway and our 2 year old twins were home…..

    I leaned on a few close friends and started therapy immediately. I realized that I could not move on with the marriage through the betrayal. It also spotlighted the several things that weren’t great about our partnership that I’d accepted. It hurt like hell and I felt horrible more for my children. But, I could feel that I could never be happy or trust him again. So I filed for divorce.

    Do not allow him to tell you how he believes this should go. He does not have that right. Hang in there OP.

22. The glaring red flag here to me is that he hasn’t come clean or apologized directly. He’s blaming anyone but himself.

23. Find a good divorce attorney fast.

24. If you don’t have kids…you know what needs to happen. I hope you find the strength.

25. He keeps blaming it on her, when he was the one who pursued her. He’s still lying to you 😞

26. Your needs come first from now on. Not hers, not his.

    If she wants to talk and you dont want to then don’t.

    This isn’t the time for him to give excuses, he should just offer a space for you to vent and tell him/ask him whatever you want/need.

    He should answer every question, be open to talk about it as often as you need, let you see whatever you need to see..

    Couples can definitely recover after an affair, but the relationship will never be the same. Basically they have to work together to build a new one, it can be even better than the first one. It all depends on how willing both people are to work on it.

    The fact that he keeps lying to you tells me he’s not even ready to acknowledge what he did.

    So you must be aware you need to think of yourself first. Not him, not the relationship… Just you.

27. If he ghosted her, I bet he has found someone new to cheat with and manipulate. I’d say just cut your losses. You’re still young.

28. As someone who’s just left their cheating husband, it feels like your world is ending… at first. And then each day, it gets easier. It’s easier to remember how they deceived and disrespected you. It gets easier to remember your own values and morals and whether those align with staying with a cheating partner. Do you respect yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you value honesty and integrity? Do you envision yourself as a wife to someone who you can’t trust? Does a dishonest person deserve to be loved and cared for by you? Will you ever be able to look at him without thinking about what he did? Can you live with this living rent free in your head for the rest of your marriage?

    These are the questions you need to ask yourself. And the answers to them will reveal what choice you have to make.

    When I was making my decision, there was a little mantra that kept replaying in my head that I could not shake off. “If you leave him, you will eventually heal. If you stay, you will be miserable the rest of your life.” Once I truly listened to this, my choice was clear.

    I am sorry this happened to you. You will be okay one day. Lean on your friends and tell the truth about what happened. It will set you free.

29. I always say, Reconciliation isn’t at all possible without the R. In that I mean R for true actual remorse (none here as he would have continued for years possibly if he could have. R in that there has to be Respect, which is full disclosure and Responsibility (none here as he is trying to put it on her.

    No Rs here. You don’t want to have to question everything he says, you dont want to get that sick feeling every time he says he’s going out for this or that and you never will know if it’s truth or lie.

    You do not deserve to live that kind of life. It’s not love, it’s agony.

30. My heart hurts for you. I pray that you find strength to make the decision that is best for you. 🙏🏻🥰

31. Go to http://www.survivinginfidelity.com there are pinned articles and plenty of direction on what to do next with steps and a numbered list. The groups will help guide you too. It is a wealth of info. Please go there. It’s free.

    But, you need to have full disclosure from him and he must admit to it all, and create a timeline with no detail spared.

    You see not circumstances should you be told to rug sweep any of it. He must work through building back your trust, and this takes 5 YEARS!!!

    He will need therapy and self help, and full disclosure of his location and open access to his phone and email, etc until you say. With zero complaints or arguments. HE DID THIS.

    DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO PLACE ANY BLAME ON YOU.

32. I’m sorry you’re going through rhis. Remember this is completely his fault. This was his choice and he purposely did this.

    Cheating is abuse. It’s psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse as you only agreed to a monogamous relationship. What you’re experiencing is trauma from his abuse.

    The fact that he’s still lying and only showing guilt isn’t good. There is a high chance this wasn’t his first affair.

    Definitely save all the evidence and contact some lawyers to see what divorce would look like. Its okay if you don’t know what you need to do, as you’re in shock.

    Reconciliation takes lots of work, mostly by the cheater who has to do the heavy lifting. r/asoneafterinfidelity has a wiki you should check out. He’d need to be completely honest. Reconciliation doesn’t begin until the last lie is told. He should be willing to provide a fully detailed disclosure/timeline written in his own hand detailing the entirety of his adultery. He should be willing to agree to a post nuptial agreement with a fidelity clause where he’d lose financially if he ever cheats again or even contacts his affair partner. He should willing tell family/friends in your presence about cheating/abusing you so they hold him accountable. He should get into therapy/psychiatrist to figure out how he could cheat and abuse you without concern for you.

    Be sure to contact family/friends and let them know what he’s done to you. This is good because you need others to speak with and rely on. His family/friends can also hold him accountable for his actions. Remember his shame is not your shame. Cheaters do this repeatedly when they don’t face real consequences.

    Your husband needs to go no contact asap if he’s being truthly remorseful, and that means leaving his job. He didn’t care about his job/career/finances when he started his affair and there are consequences for cheating with a coworker.

    It’s said any contact with an affair partner means the affair continues.

    You need to get an STD/STI test asap.

    Please read the resources at http://www.chumplady.com and http://www.survivinginfidelity.com as they can really help. The sub r/supportforbetrayed can also help.

    Don’t forget to eat, drink water (not alcohol), and exercise. It’s hard, but you need to be the person who cares most about you.

33. He’s a bullshit lier. This will be your life if you stay.

34. STD testing, get yourself fully checked out.

35. He can blame her all day everyday….. but he is the one married and made the choice. Even if he walked into work one day and there was a lighted up runway full of trip hazards that lead to her open legs, he had the choice to walk down the runway or walk away.

36. Turn the lights on, tell your family. Do not let this stay in the dark. His reputation doesn’t deserve your protection. If you had a daughter and her husband did this to her, what would you tell her to do?