This I guess is a bit of a long story and I’m sorry if it drags a bit. This is really hard to articulate and try and put into words so I will try my best to give narrative and details so give some structure to this whole thing. Will. Give a brief overview rather then every detail unless someone asks questions.
Background on my dad is that he is a great dad and husband (I thought). He always does things that is for the family…. Holidays, school events, weekend activities. He is always there and always supportive. He is his own boss and works alot away or late but is always around when we need him.
My mum is kinda the opposite, causes arguments with him, can talk down to him and is spiteful with her words. With us she can be short but isn’t a bad person, she is just frustrated alot of the time. When she is like that they have stupid arguments. Pointless ones where even I basically tell them to stop.
Since Xmas last year his reactions towards my mum when she argues about the stupid stuff like shoes being left out or the shower screen not being wiped down are really calm and I noticed he doesn’t care at all. He just agrees and pleases her with responses which I find weird. Usually they have mini arguments and now he doesn’t.
He started buying new suits for work which again is odd because he was always casual, he would then stay out in London saying he has functions to go to and would rather stay at a hotel even though we live like 20mins from central London by train.
Anyway, I started working in London last summer and I sometimes go for drinks with work friends or meet up with my bf. So last Thursday I was walking to a bar and was meeting up with my bf. I saw my dad with a really young girl around my age. He was holding her hand and putting her in a black cab. My reaction was to hide because I didn’t know what to think and I panicked. I haven’t told my bf or friends because part of me felt I was losing my mind.
On Saturday he was watching football and i went through some of his things. I found a second phone with messages to this girl who is literally my age or close to. Messages discussing his family, what my mum did, how he can’t wait to see her, how he needs her in his life. Even stuff about us and pictures of us when we went to Xmas markets. I stopped reading the messages coz I knew it was getting intimate and literally I have just frozen. My stomach feels sick, I can’t share this with my bf, friends or my mum. It’s a moment you think would never happen to u but it does and time freezes. I have no idea what to do.
I find it disgusting and I feel violated because this girl is literally my age and is having an affair with my dad. I have nothing against relationships with large agegaps but this is my dad and a married man. I find it really screwed up. I hate him for what he has done and I don’t know if I should confront him or tell my mum. If she finds out it could tear us all apart and I have younger siblings.
Part of me wishes I never saw that and i was oblivious to it. But now seeing how he has changed with his home life and how he makes excuses to stay out angers me so much. It’s a level of immaturity I can’t get over.
I get it that life moves fast and sometimes these things happen but I’m still a kid basically. How am I meant to handle this kinda thing? How should I tell him I know?
tl;dr my dad is having an affair with a girl my age. Caught them holding hands and found messages between them. Not sure how to handle this.
16 comments
>How should I tell him I know?
Don’t tell him – go straight to telling your mum. She needs to know so she can decide what she wants to do with the info, and so she can get tested for STDs.
You are brave for sharing this, and my heart is hurting knowing how much pain this situation can cause an entire family. You’re not losing you mind, and you should trust your instincts. You saw what you saw and now everything else is making sense too. There’s a few directions you could take this, but first and foremost I hope that you are practicing healthy forms of self care.
1) Feeling petty? Befriend the girl and have her come over when you get closer to her. Don’t tell her he’s your dad if she opens up about the relationship. Watch shit burn up when your dad walks in.
2) Approach your dad calmly when you feel strong. Tell him “I know and I should not be the one to tell mom. Do the right thing”
3) If you decide to tell your support system, be sure you’re in a safe, private environment. They may be in denial and want evidence because they don’t want to believe it themselves, but ultimately your word alone is enough.
Take care of yourself
Xoxo Maddie
Why do you feel you can’t talk to your friends or boyfriend about this huge thing you’re dealing with? Support from your loved ones is important.
Sounds like your mom is pretty awful and makes your dads life miserable.
Maybe he wants some happiness but still feels some sense of obligation to your mom… or maybe he just doesn’t want your mom to ruin him financially so he cant leave.
Whatever the case it sounds like he has been a pretty good family man for a lot of years.
Before you go setting a nuclear bomb off in this mans life which seems to be the consensus here by telling your mom maybe walk a mile in his shoes…. maybe he deserves some slack.
I would say nothing.
Youre dad has a sugar baby and has possibly had multiple. He probably has the money to spend on her and it makes him feel good. It sounds like him and your mom are not in a good spot. Tell your mom, he is a coward for not ending things when they got bad..
Tell your mother immediately. Then tell your father he’s pathetic. Men his age do not fuck women your age just because of the way they look – they do it because they can manipulate, control, and even *mold* women to their specific needs. It’s disgusting and it happens everyday and has forever. I’d personally love to know what they were texting about. I’m sure they have so much in common /s.
I would message this girl and tell her you know all about it and she better not ever show her face around you or there would be hell to pay. I would make absolutely certain to scare her off tbh. Confront your dad about this also, tell him if he doesn’t stop this disgusting affair you will be forced to tell your mum. Fight for your family, so you don’t regret standing back and doing nothing later. After that let your dad sort out the rest.
Tell your mom first. Be gentle, but show her proof and let her know you will support her. Her whole life and understanding of her husband and family will change.
But also take care of yourself, OP. It’s a big emotional burden, and it’s not your job to fix your family, heal your mom or change your dad.
I can’t feel bad for terrible partners being cheated on—it just feels like a fair and reasonable outcome
You must tell your mum, alone for the fact that she immediately needs to be checked for stds…
Sounds like your dad is a groomer
I would discuss it with your bf and see what he says
Get proof and go STRAIGHT to your mum. Do not raise this with your dad at all. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.
I obviously don’t know the nuances of your family dynamic, so trust your own judgement) but my instinct would be to give your dad the opportunity to come clean to your mother first. Your first goal should be to facilitate communication between your parents and minimize your involvement to the greatest extent possible before you have had a chance to fully process your own emotions.
Even if you feel like you don’t owe your dad any courtesy or consideration, it might lessen *some* of the initial emotional impact to your mom. It will presumably be very difficult message for her to hear, regardless of the messenger, but she deserves the opportunity to first focus on her primary emotions rather than secondary or tertiary emotions that might arise from about others knowing before her etc. (if possible at least) You can give your dad a deadline, and warn him if he has not confessed so by the time you think is appropriate, you can tell your mom. You are clearly uncomfortable with this topic, so I think it is healthy to try and minimize your role. You can write out/script what you want to say to your father to minimize discomfort, but it will likely be painful. Keep it pithy, you can say something along the lines of “I suspect you haven’t been faithful to mom and I think you should tell her. If you don’t come clean by x time/date/whenever, I will share my suspicions with her. She needs to know but I think it is best coming from you.” If he asks you any follow up questions you might answer with either a brief allusion the facts you shared above or alternatively with a statement like “I don’t think I am ready to have this conversation with you before you have spoken with mom” or “I haven’t gotten a chance to distill my feelings about this so I am not ready to have the longer conversation with you yet.”
In the regrettable case your father chickens out and forces your hand, making you broach the tough conversation with your mom, keep it very vague. Merely suggest she talk to your father about his fidelity. Some partners want details after learning of an infidelity, but others do not. This might not feel natural, but saying as little as “I suspect dad may have been unfaithful but it doesn’t seem to be my place, I think that is a conversation for the two of you” might suffice. Even if you have to stare down at the floor, cheeks burning red with discomfort, if you pick a script that feels organic to you, just blurt it out if you have to.
Then make a plan for your own emotional wind-down and self care. One takeaway I got from your post is you may not have seen great conflict resolution strategies modeled if your parents unproductively squabbled until your dad emotionally checked out. That makes me suggest caution in voicing your opinions on any feelings you have until you have spoken to someone you trust, be it a therapist, supportive friend, or family member.
At the end of the day, this does impact you, and you should prioritize your mental health, but you should exercise caution interjecting your “big feelings” at this stage. You do definitively deserve to have space to articulate your feelings with your parents, but I would only suggest doing after weighing the potential upsides (it might be productive or cathartic), and downsides (eg risk of it just being emotionally draining/futile). Talk it through with someone you trust and figure out if you can articulate anything that your parents couldn’t already guess (i.e. you disapprove of the cheating, carrying the secret was stressful, you are mourning the loss of a more idealized version of your family etc) You may get dragged in at some point anyway, postpone it if you can. Protect your peace.
It sounds like your dad is miserable and probably doesn’t get love and affection at home. He would probably prefer to divorce and move on with someone who loves him and makes him feel valued. He is probably only staying for the sake of his kids. Cheaters are not always bad people. He sounds like he is sacrificing his happiness for his family which is horrible for everyone. I would talk to your dad and share your feelings. You said he’s always been a wonderful father and husband. He has needs and he’s only human. There is no reason to hate him for trying to survive, especially if you see he is treated poorly. Maybe give him your blessing to move on with his life and tell him he’s allowed to make decisions for his own happiness.
Well, I have a different take on this situation. Your mom’s indifference could be because your dad stopped being who he was, or your mom turned into who she is right now. If it is the latter case, your dad needs love and he started seeking it outside the house. If he is confronted, he may happily divorce. So you should make a table of pros and cons. If there are more cons, then maybe you approach your mom and learn why she changed. Try to bring her back to who she was earlier. Your dad may stop seeking love outside.