Not to be vain or offensive but I’ve done a lot of self work that’s led to me having a lot of dating options. In real life and on dating apps. It wasn’t like this in my early 20s but now approaching 30 it’s skyrocketing. I’ve gone on countless dates and had a few talking stages but haven’t met a lady that’s even come close to fulfilling me in the relationship department. If her personality is good usually I’m not that attracted to her, if she’s a bomb shell she’ll either be immature or just completely stuck up. I find the tiniest detail to critique or look for a minute flaw and will get turned off. I fear nothing will allow me to become or stay loyal to one woman and I know it’s not just a switch either. I’d be foolish to think I’ll meet a unicorn who will make me change my ways. I’ve been a side dude, knowingly and unknowingly, have been cheated on, have cheated, and have been loyal in the past. I’ve seen all the ugliness in women and it’s scarred me. I know there’s good women out there but I’ve yet to meet one who I’m attracted to. Feel like this sort of holy grail is only available to the super rich or famous.

I envy those who have found their significant other early in life and now just making great memories together. Has anyone else been in this position? I know the trope that it’s never to late, etc. but I feel now that I will meet someone who only wants me for the end product. They didn’t stay by my side as I struggled, fell, broke, and rose up again. Like I’m almost set to compartmentalize my inadequacies and be self sustaining (maybe what a man is supposed to be to have a family). Although it would be nice to have someone in my corner. Just looking for some solace from others who have at least learned to live with this.

13 comments

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  2. You’ve already declared the problem in your post: you say you’re not foolish enough to believe in finding a unicorn, but you seek out any small flaw and write a woman off, presumably because you have “a lot of dating options.”

    Aside from your almost monumentally arrogant take, I’ll say this: the perception that people have a lot of options (whether online or IRL) creates the delusion that “perfect” exists. That is fundamentally incorrect.

    Perfect does not exist. Every person has flaws and foibles. What makes a good relationship is getting to know someone beyond that painfully superficial beginning and taking time to find out if and how they sync with you. Finding a balance, building a partnership, that’s how relationships work.

    Discarding people out of hand for perceived imperfections because you think the next one will be better is a losing game. All you’re doing is proving you don’t have the stamina to be in a grown-up relationship, but at least you’re sparing those poor women your insufferable attitude.

  3. “Not to be vain or offensive but I’ve done a lot of self work that’s led to me having a lot of dating options” yet proceeds to describe a very self-sabotaging and toxic mechanism in which only the perfect person which doesn’t exist is good enough.

    You are in for a lot more ‘self work’ if you really want to fix this ‘problem’.

    Also the “not to be vain” disclaimer is quite hilarious. I can’t think of something more vain than this.

  4. The more time someone spends on dating apps, the less likely they are to be relationship material. The only people who I know are happily married to “the one” either met them in real life, or were the first person they met when they signed up for a dating app.

    Play the dating game long enough and you will be too jaded to have a real relationship. If you are looking for a girlfriend/LTR partner and you have not been able to find one despite meeting a lot of women, maybe the problem is in you.

  6. > I’ve been a side dude, knowingly and unknowingly, have been cheated on, have cheated, and have been loyal in the past. I’ve seen all the ugliness in women and it’s scarred me.

    Kind of funny to me that you are talking about how you can’t find a good woman when you sounds like you aren’t much of a catch being a cheater and “side piece” (just a hair not as bad as a cheater).

  7. I have never “learned to live” with this, because I am not someone so arrogant to believe I am “worth” having someone perfect. Are you perfect yourself? The only answer here is “no”. Therefore, why do you expect someone else to be?

    Not sure where you thought you could have it all, but in life, you gotta learn to compromise.

    I guess I “learned to live” with it by becoming more mature.

  8. I just saw a post yesterday on here where a guy admitted he had flaws and was trying to become better. Most people in that thread also had terrible things to say to him. We’re just not a very supportive community, I think. We’d rather criticize than help, hurl insults than offer advice.

    I think you should definitely work on building empathy. It’s foundational. Consider it the next part of the work you’ve already put in on yourself.
    One way you build empathy is to read fictional stories. Pick something that maybe you wouldn’t normally read. Then read from a different book after you’ve finished the first one.
    Then maybe try to see the people you know and interact with as they see themselves. Think about their struggles, what they’re carrying around, and how they’re coping. Don’t try to think how they could unrobe their situation. Concentrate on how they probably feel day to day and how they manage that. Think about your parents aging, etc.
    Empathy is a muscle that has to be worked. But it’s worth it. Otherwise, you’ll end up talking trash to dudes online who are flawed but actively looking to become better.

  9. I think you need to step off your high horse. Never expect something from someone you yourself can not give or provide. You are interested in someone or something superficial. Thats your first mistake. The older we get, the deal breakers we were ince so adamant about become less important. People are flawed. We have all experienced trauma and tragedy. Its how we look forward that shows the person’s real face. If you let the past make you bitter, you never get better

  10. I’ve been in love once. I’ve felt the potential to fall in love with 3 girls total. Im 31 & single for 4 years. I’ve experienced what I want enough to know when I see it, and I’m ok with the fact that that’s gonna require patience. I’ve gone out with a few girls who would be fantastic wives and mothers, but I didn’t feel a strong desire to be with them. I’m not gonna enter a relationship like that. Wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

    So I’ve accepted that to get what I want in a relationship, I’m gonna need to be patient. It’s not about meeting my standards, it’s about chemistry and compatibility. Thinking about it in terms of leagues & “good enough” is prob not great.

  11. I’ve known some buddies before who kept meeting great women they clicked with but they would always find some random “flaw” about her. After about a year of therapy and self-reflection for one of them, turns out he was subconsciously looking for reasons to reject the ladies because deep down he had a fear of intimacy and abandonment. It’s a form of protection. If he never gave his heart to someone, he would never risk being hurt. At the core of it, it’s trust issues. I think this might be it for you at least partially because you’ve “seen the ugliness in women” (which is strange because both men and women are capable of doing ugly things in relationships), so you might have something going on with not letting yourself trust women which ends up looking like you rejecting women for shallow reasons before they can hurt you. Like a fear of intimacy even.

    Look into Avoidant attachment style. Maybe you can relate. If 50% of the population doesn’t meet your standards except for celebrities, then your standards are not realistic. I’d also do some self reflection about what your “standards” are because if you’re a man in his 30s with an established career and the only women you are meeting are immature and stuck up, I’m a little skeptical of what kind of women you’re going for. Sounds like you’re looking more for a trophy wife to show off and mother your children rather than an actual partner you’re compatible with. Time for some more self-reflection bro.

  12. Consult with the Count Regent privately regarding the size of her landed estate holdings. Accept no less than 10,000 hectares. Her armies should always – and this is crucial – defer to your command. The gentry from her lands shall not be allowed to instigate dissent, less they foment ideas of a coup. Don’t be afraid to execute a few of the loudest right away to make that point. Finally, if she is unable to produce a male heir within two years it shall be the will of the Gods that she should be exiled to a foreign land with only her closest servants for comfort.

  13. Your “standards” are a fantasy, the women you meet are your dating reality. Get over yourself

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