My boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) (dating 3 months) had sex for the second time. He pulled out after ~30 seconds, trying to last longer, and came on me. Totally fine. He lay down next to me and started pleasuring me with his fingers. Great. Except – I had to wake up early the next morning. So I stopped him and said “I love when you touch me, but sadly it’s getting late and I have to wake up early!”
I turned to set my alarm, and within a few seconds, he was suddenly back on top of me and inside me thrusting. It happened quickly. I froze up – it felt sudden and bad and I felt confused. After about a minute, he asked “are you okay? Would you like me to come out” to which I said “Actually yes I would, thanks”
I tried to explain after that this felt bad, and he said that he thought there was implied consent, and he was trying to pleasure me.
I feel bad and confused. What do you make of this ? How would you feel?
Please reply here rather than message, thanks.
16 comments
Well, when he jumped back on top , you should have told him no . I would have assumed consent was still there if I was covered in jizz and getting fingered . Don’t be afraid to speak up. He obviously could tell you wanted him to stop and then stopped, but if he didn’t notice and you didn’t say anything, it could have ended up feeling even worse .
So, honestly, this one is tough, you guys were actively involved in a sexual encounter, and he absolutely did not re-consent for a second one, and there is plenty of reason to say he NEEDED to, particularly after you de-consented for the fingering.
That being said, as much as I’m usually on the “call the police and run away” train, I’d hold the phone here, I want to say there is a possibility he viewed the fingering-shutdown as frustration that he busted in 30 seconds, and he felt like you had subscribed for a real sexual encounter and were let down-so he feeling reinvigorated decided to give you what you subscribed for…
It sucks because, by the letter of the law, this man raped you.
And I don’t want to invalidate that in any way, but GOD do I find it hard to tell you that you should run away and call the police. I think this is 100% your judgement to make, and I think that at BARE MINIMUM you need to redefine his understanding of consent to align with the law, and morality…
But ultimately this is your call to make. I don’t think anyone else can possibly know what his intentions were in this case.
In the words of safety commercials from like 200something,
“If they say they don’t want tea don’t make them tea”
What the fuck. How the hell did he get “please mount me again” out of “it’s getting late and I have to wake up early”? I’d feel the need to have a serious conversation with him about just what the fuck his thought process was.
So he literally SA’d you after the fact you said no.
You must communicate with him clearly so he understands boundaries. Or it’s going to be a habit of his.
I can see both sides. You were literally just having intercourse a few moments before. You thought all was done, and he wanted to make sure you were satisfied. He recognized that all was not well and sought to rectify the situation. I don’t think anyone is at fault. Sounds like miscommunication.
Byv the wording it sounds like the sex wasn’t fully enjoyed. So he wanted to make up if his performance was lacking. Most guys are simple. We just wanna know we did good. I’m leaving the discussion there cause I’m sure somebody will get offended otherwise.
I think I would classify this as unintended sexual assault.
He didn’t mean to hurt you, and when he realized it was a possibility, he stopped and asked you. However, it’s unclear if you were open to more sex after the earlier positive sexual encounter. 
After three months, two people start understanding and anticipating each other‘s needs and boundaries based on ongoing conversations, establish norms, etc.
It’s OK to feel hurt. And it’s okay that there’s nuance here.
If this is me, I would mark this as a large yellow flag. Then have a conversation with him about what happened, where the miscommunication was, what you *felt*, what each of you can do to be more clear going forward, and see if you can come to an understanding. And three months in, his reaction in how he handles these heavy conversations should be a good indication of what you can expect forward, and if the relationship is worthwhile.
No such thing as implied consent.
There was a stated request to stop, how did he take it as ‘another round, please’?
I think this is a situation when what you should do would depend on how he reacts when you talk to him about it. I’ve been in a similar situation with my partner and he could clearly see that I was upset after and was very apologetic. We had a conversation about it and we were able to move on and haven’t had any issues since. It can be tough when consent isn’t always explicit but that’s why we date people we trust to have good intentions and why we talk about things that go wrong. Good luck!
Just in case this info is needed: if he wasn’t wearing protection the second time and you are not on birth control, there’s higher risk of unwanted pregnancy.
How do you feel?
Is that how you’d like consent to be handled in a relationship? Do you feel safe navigating that conversation with him?
I feel like he at least needs to admit that he didn’t check on you first. If you feel like you can safely have that conversation, you’re good.
If he doesn’t show any remorse or admittance of fucking up, I’d be super worried.
I think we can all agree that you need to tell him to run!
Dude bro tried to rectify his jiffy pop because he misread a situation. You didn’t consent no so technically rape but I don’t think he had bad intentions. He cares about your satisfaction and thought he let you down.
It’s up to you but in my opinion I think you should redefine boundaries and consent with him and keep trying with the relationship.
Men are stupid. Notoriously. Not an excuse. Just something to keep in mind
It’s normal and valid to feel that way. You communicated clearly and you were not heard. I’d have a discussion with your partner where you communicate that whether his intention was good or not it is of the utmost importance that at all times you feel you have bodily autonomy and agency for you to feel comfortable and safe during sexual relations.
I recommend moving forward you both practice enthusiastic consent, which can be fun and does not have to in any way spoil the mood. This involves looking for an enthusiastic yes rather than waiting for a no.
Example: I really want to do X to you right now, is that what you want? Yes, I want you to do X to me.
You can interlace this method of consent into light hearted dirty talk, in a way that makes you feel both in control of the situation and also build sexual tension for both of you 🙂