I (29F) feel so hopeless when it comes to dating. I’ve had so many bad experiences that staying positive feels very very difficult.
Over the past decade, I’ve been working on myself, my career, and what I want out of life. I’ve been in therapy and I’ve been trying to better understand myself and my needs.
I feel like I keep encountering flaky people who just want to hook up. I’m tired of being viewed as an object. All men seem to notice (or care) about are my looks. Ironically, this has made me very insecure about my looks, because I feel like I need to look like a perfect 10/10 to even get a date.
I’ve been told I’m attractive and fun to be around. But I constantly feel on edge that if I say or do anything wrong, I’ll be ghosted.
Recently I had a “fling” with a 27M that I met in school. He seemed really into me and kept telling me how much he liked me and could see a future with me. We would FaceTime all the time and talk every day. One day he randomly ghosted me. It really hurt because I didn’t know why even though I texted him to ask.
Fast forward five months and he started following me on social media, liking my stories, and even responded to a selfie with the heart eye emoji. When he did that, I asked why he ghosted me months ago. He said that I had said something to the effect of all men are the same and that made him feel like his efforts would just be wasted. I told him that wasn’t true and that I was sorry but he should have told me that, instead of me begging for a reason. I shouldn’t have generalized but I was probably just trying (and failing) to be funny or something.
I tried texting him a few days later. I kind of asked where we were at now and he said “honestly, I’m not sure ! I just wanted to let you know we were good.”
I just feel like if I make one little mistake or slip up I get ghosted. I really feel insecure and down on myself for not saying and doing the right things. And seeing all my family and friends get coupled up is hard. I haven’t had a serious relationship in a long time.
20 comments
>I keep encountering flaky people who just want to hook up. I’m tired of being viewed as an object.
On the flip side, I’m tired of never being viewed as an object.
Maybe try changing up your habits?
The whole ghosting you over one thing is really odd when you were talking so long. Ghosting rather than letting someone know is very annoying and seems to be something both sides of the equation run into alot these days.
Definitely don’t tell a guy who is obviously putting in a lot of effort that all men are the same.
> I feel like I keep encountering flaky people who just want to hook up. I’m tired of being viewed as an object.
I think you just need to find better places to meet people to find what you’re looking for. At my favorite bar, very few people seem to be trying to hook up. Maybe 2% lol. Most people are just there to meet friends and in some cases form long term relationships.
Don’t go back there. This guy obviously doesn’t like you as much as you think. People stay for worse reasons cause no one’s perfect. The fact that he just ghosted you should tell you the type of person he is. If he didn’t like something you said, he should have communicated. You’ve worked on yourself plus going to therapy like you mentioned and you shouldn’t settle for someone who leaves you haphazardly for such a reason especially since you had been talking for sometime. It wasn’t like you had just met.
You should be comfortable around your partner. You should be able to be yourself around them. They don’t have to be perfect but going back to this relationship/ situationship will cause more harm than good.
Men are possessive. So when he says “honestly I’m not sure” 🚩🚩🚩⛳️⛳️🚩🚩… he’s saying “I’ll settle for you when I can’t find someone else”. Don’t be a place holder, there are good men out there and there’s no point in wasting your time with one that’s not sure about you.
Block him, go no contact. Not even a goodbye text.. focus on yourself like you’ve been doing and heal from it. It’s not worth it
You have horrible taste in men because you probably only go for looks. Do some self evaluating
>I just feel like if I make one little mistake or slip up I get ghosted.
90% of guys probably feel this to be fair. I’ve found that the average person has terrible communication skills when it could lead to any sort of “confrontation”.
I was in a relationship through my 20s and I’ve been single for a few years now. I don’t actively seek out people to date, but at the same time, when I do date, I try to realy hone in on the other person’s values to get a guage on who they are as a person. The second something feels off, I generally move on. Been through enough that I’m not going to settle just because I get lonely.
I’d look at other means of meeting people if you’re really trying to find someone.
How long was your longest relationship?
I can understand this. 30m. So even getting that off chance of actually communicating is rare. The few I do get I have been asked for money, literally second message was where do I live specifically, ghosted for days or weeks or just gone. It feels like hey your just here for when I’m bored. I don’t think I am crazy but dang it does this make me feel like it sometimes.
Dating nowadays just sucks, but everyone says just keep trying. So good luck.
Oh. And if some dude is getting upset because a comment and not actually saying anything about it. He ain’t the guy.
I’m sorry to hear that.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Reddit strangers are here for you 😃
You have to stop caring so much about getting ghosted/rejected. Since you’re walking on eggshells all the time you can’t be your true self and therefore meet someone you genuinely connect with. Who cares if someone you just met ghosted you
It’s tough being a pretty girl. Lol.
I choose to believe: You can’t say the wrong things to the right people. People that are meant to be in your life will remain in your life.
I’m 32 and just finished a 9 year relationship, it’s not looking hopeful.
Commenting to follow bc same girl.
same here 30f have had a lot of guys love bomb me only to ghost when they got what they wanted, guy friends claim to be in love w me for years only to take advantage and screw me over once i finally give them a chance, guys approach me IRL all the time but its clearly only based on looks. I cannot seem to find a real connection and online dating feels so forced. All my friends in relationships, my cousins and siblings and being the only one single at thanksgiving never had a boyfriend is getting old. Ive been trying & putting myself out there I feel cursed at this point.
Girl sometimes it’s not you, it’s the dating culture right now. So many options so people will move on to the next without thought, it is true they will find one thing you did wrong and not like it then move on. When you find a good one, he will try to make it work, anything you do wouldn’t change his mind. I’ve experienced this and I feel you on the giving up part but there are still good guys out there you/we haven’t met yet.
Oh well, it’s not like you’re missing anything. I’d rather have cancer than a relationship.
I get it. I wish I could afford to live by myself but everything is so expensive these days. I feel like I have no choice but to find someone just to split the cost of living. Other then that, my experiences mirror yours. I don’t want to live like that.
I’ve been focused on myself and my career for years too and am now testing the dating waters – They’re absolute shit. It’s very clear that a lot of men have real communication problems. And when you leave it be and don’t play in, that’s when they retract. It’s not fair on yourself to have to do that mental game just because you like someone. My situation right now is a bit different than yours because it’s very new, haven’t been ghosted yet, but trying to talk or get anything out of him is like pulling teeth. 9/10 would rather go to the dentist and I hate the dentist.
Spending so much time working on myself with my therapist, I know how much I value myself and I’m sure you’re the same way. What I’ve found is that if I have more fun on my own than dealing with someone because they actually make me dread talking to them, then it’s a no go. You’d have to make me happier than I make myself which means putting in effort and most guys don’t. Just remember you’re awesome and it’s his loss 🤷🏻♀️