I’ve been following the recommendations of college subs and others for making friends at university which all mostly boil down to “join a club”. After attending a bunch of meetings for various clubs, athletic and non-athletic, over the past week, I’ve run into the same problem for most of them: they feel very cliquey to me.
By that I mean, most of the people who I feel like I want to be friends with, who are usually the regulars or board members of the club, are people who have been there for years, know each other very closely, have inside jokes, talk in group circles that it feels hard to insert yourself into as a newcomer, etc. I know this is expected for college clubs and it’s not like people have been explicitly uninviting or excluding, but it’s hard to really socialize when you feel like they see you as an an outsider to their group, like you’d never fit in.
Any advice for dealing with this? Should I not really be focusing on this and just get to know other newcomers instead? Is it just a matter of showing up regularly every week until you gradually start to feel like part of the community? Any other insights would be appreciated.
1 comment
This feels like a problem of trying to become a part of a ‘group fabric’ when you haven’t been in the room very long. There’s no way to just meld seamlessly into a group unless you’re all starting something together fresh. So the way to make this easier is to “pick someone,” or, several someones.
Start trying to create an individual vibe with that person. Get their name, a bit of info. Drop a small bit of info about yourself. Remember it for next time. And be sure to make an effort to have at least a short convo with that person EVERY time you see them. (If possible.)
In other words, start by making ONE friend, or do this with more than one, and then start expanding.
Also, aren’t there other people who would similarly join the club and also feel like an outsider at first? Welcome THAT person and do a similar thing.
Start small and grow.