My husband and I have been married for over 5 years now. We both don’t have the most perfect physique. For a few years now I’ve started feeling neglected. I’ve gained some weight and I have body issues. I don’t like the way I look and he’s not helping either. He doesn’t compliment me as much. He doesn’t really call me pretty and doesn’t make me feel nice about myself by not doing these things. Whenever I get ready or wear something nice or wear makeup I have to get a nice compliment out of him. He doesn’t say it himself. And then I get upset. He thinks we fight and I get mad every time we have to go out but he doesn’t realise it’s because when I have to coax the nice words out of him it’s upsetting so yes I ruin the evening before it starts.
We’ve been together for so long. I’ve had a baby and went through IVF. A lot of life altering experiences happened. I’ve changed as a person. As has he. We all change every day. I just wish he’d get to know me all over again. I feel so uninteresting because he doesn’t pay any attention to me. After so many years our likes and dislikes and priorities change. I just want to feel loved again and have some of his attention and attentiveness. I want to feel nice.
Things in bed are dry. I haven’t been into it much, lately. I realised I needed some kind of outside stimulation before getting into it. Some kind of fantasy or dirty talk or watching some porn (which I avoid). Just getting into it doesn’t do it for me. I’ve been having trouble for quite some time now. I’ve communicated these thoughts to him multiple times. He says he’ll work on it but he never does. Whenever he initiates I just want to get it over with. His breath, his sweat, his weight on top of me every thing starts bothering me at this point.
So lately I tried to communicate more. I told him all the things I like. The scenarios I like to think about. All my fantasies. He told me all of his. We talked. I felt good about it. For once I was looking forward to it. I wore something nice. I initiated it But then when we were doing it he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t perform. This happened 3 times. He apologised. He said he doesn’t understand why it’s happening I suggested maybe it’s performance pressure and we had another conversation where I told him he doesn’t have to do anything. He doesn’t have to act out the fantasies. I just need them to have a push start. I need them to get stimulation and that’s it. I don’t need you to talk about them or try to reenact them or be them in any way. He doesn’t have to do anything. Nothings is working for him now.
At this point I’m sad and I feel humiliated. I exposed myself and my most private thoughts to him and I’m just so embarrassed.
I’m so tired of keeping this ship afloat. He doesn’t put in any effort to make me feel beautiful and I just feel disgusted with myself now. I feel disgusting for wanting sex and I’m mortified by my own reflection.
I’ve been quiet for a few days now and he doesn’t understand. He apologised. I don’t need an apology. Then he got mad for making a big deal out of it and not letting it go. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m so weary now. I tried to communicate multiple times about everything. I feel so basic and taken for granted. Our relationship has lost all its spark. And it’s not my fault that I don’t want to talk to him now.
3 comments
“And it’s not my fault that I don’t want to talk to him now.”
You’re half of the relationship so you’re going to have to take some ownership over how things are going. It sounds like you might need to shift your focus onto yourself, start exercising, find some hobbies you like, get interested in other things, take a break from hyper-focusing on the issues, and let everything settle for a bit. Once you start feeling good about yourself again, you’ll bring a new energy into the relationship.
You gained a bit of weight. That’s normal
So here are some ideas I recommend you both sound like your stuck in a routine that’s what happens when you have kids that’s normal but the thing about being married is keeping the spark and relationship alive. If possible get a baby sitter or send your kids to your parents house. Have a day where it’s just you and him. I recommend both of you write things down on what you would like to improve in the marriage. Complement each other caress him and say your thankful for him and you appreciate him this will go a long way. Also I recommend bubble bath what I did for my wife is set up rose petals candles romantic music and just had a bath with her and she loved it. Tease each other.
Go out on dates.
Listen don’t blame yourself for his performance issue. If he is watching lots of poems that can be a reason or work or he is stress. What I do recommend is telling him to get his levels checked and see if the doctor can give him viagra and cialis which can help him.