My girlfriend (F40) of 8 months revealed to me last night, rather casually, that she used to be a “serial cheater” for years; and cheated on every partner she ever had until a couple of years ago. She said at the time she was remorseless, but eventually came to a point she decided it wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship or her self esteem and decided to stop. I (M38) have always struggled with trust issues my whole life for a variety of reasons I won’t go into. She seemed to brush this off as little more than an anecdote, but I gotta tell y’all, I’m shook.
I’d like to believe she’s changed and learned from this to become someone who would never do this again. But if I’m being honest, I definitely have less faith in her that I did 24hrs ago. Any advice on how to much past this, or discuss it further would be appreciated.
40 comments
That’s the absolute worst “job reference” one could have. That’s like telling an employer “I stole from every company I ever worked for, but stopped cos self esteem and I wanted a better job”
I wouldn’t be able to get past that. I wouldn’t take the risk. if she was applying for a job I would not hire her (a metaphor)
I mean doesn’t get worse than that.
Maybe things will be fine, but how would you even know?
You’re right to be concerned but don’t fall for blanket statements like “once a cheater always a cheater”. People are all different and people do change. I would talk to her openly and honestly.
Get her to talk about it in a safe and constructive way. Why did she cheat? Was it because of some insecurity or mental health issues that have been dealt with? You need to walk away from this conversation with a good mental model of what happened and why things are different now. You should also be confident that there are no risk factors for this behavior returning.
To be honest, not being remorseful and treating this so lightly is already a risk factor. It’s not looking great based on what you wrote, but don’t listen to internet strangers, listen to your gut and your partner.
People can change, at least she isn’t a serial killer.
When people show you who they are, pay attention. She told you what she is capable of, now you know.
>She said at the time she was remorseless, but eventually came to a point she decided it wasn’t conducive to a healthy relationship or her self esteem and decided to stop
Did she mention anything about understanding the impact of the cheating on her ex’s? About hurt feelings and broken trust? Because that’s conspicuously missing here.
The good news is, she gave you the ability to see the future. The first question is whether this is the future you want? The second question is whether this is the present you already have?
Sorry to hear this man. This would hit me hard too. You have to give serious thought to if she is the right person to be with.
I’m a little different to the rest of the responses on here… I think the fact she told you likely means that a) she’s changed and b) she trusts you. Revealing something like that about yourself isn’t easy, and even if she seemingly did it quite casually, it sounds like you might’ve been the first partner she’s ever confided in about this.
Not saying your feelings aren’t valid… it’s certainly hard to process information. And you wouldn’t be astray in perhaps wanting to ask her some questions about it.
But ask yourself… would you tell her the worst thing about your past if you felt like you were in danger of doing it again to her? Most people who are abusive to their partners don’t admit it, and even proclaim the opposite about themselves. She sounds like she’s come to some kind of self-realisation and has had a change.
Damn she’s treating it like a fun fact lol. Also you stated to having trust issues, this is a real bad match up, a serial cheater paired with a person with trust issues. Not to mention she did say she felt no remorse being a serial cheater, and it only ended a couple of years ago. That’s still kinda recent. Maybe talk more at length and see if she actually realizes what was wrong with her actions and what’s she has done to counter it ever since she stopped. If there is no genuine action on her part and it’s just treated as an after thought that tells you all you need to know.
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If she cheated once in an isolated incident, maybe. Serial cheater? Man, no question. You need to get out now.
Run
I’d have to move on. Especially the “remorseless” part. Every relationship hits rocky times. I’d be concerned that if she’s not happy overall or she’s really mad at you, she’ll use cheating to get back at you.
While no situation is the same, my ex said the same thing. I have copious trauma around being cheated on and people not being safe to trust. She was and is the most reliable and trustworthy human I’ve ever met.
As a fairly extreme avoidant, I ‘know’ it’s safer to push people away first and it’s a hard pattern to change. Same time, if she is telling you, she has considered it and sounds like she is trying to break her patterns and be honest.
You know when I met my fiancé, he said the same thing but a lot earlier in our courtship. It was the same, he always cheated until a couple years prior.
I trust him and obviously I felt like I could early on or I would not have moved forward with the relationship. Sometimes there are life circumstances that condones the cheating culture and I feel he lived in and was raised in such a culture.
I do feel like people change and life circumstances change too. I didn’t touch on the topic much when he told me but I asked him a few months later. I asked him why he shared that with me and he said he just wanted to be completely transparent with me.
My advice is to talk about boundaries and expectations when it comes to being respectful and trustful of the relationship.
I’d want to dig a little deeper into that confession before deciding to stay or leave. Her answers might help you figure out if she’s really remorseful and has turned anew leaf or just trying a new strategy. One thing that’s for sure is she has an unhealthy attachment style, and by the sound of it you do too.
It’s often the case that avoidant and anxious attachment styles are drawn to each other. I worry that she told you that to trigger your anxiety and set you back on your heals on purpose. If that’s the case, it’s not meant to hurt you, it’s meant to distance you from her because you’re getting too close and she’s getting uncomfortable. That’s a guess, mind you, but asking the important questions should reveal the intent.
Went through this myself. Lasted five months. Guess why it ended?
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She felt comfortable enough to share that with you, and didn’t have to. Remember that.
Every person has a reason of why they cheat in a relationship. Not saying it’s right, just that it seemed right for them at the time. At times it is because needs are not being met and communication has broken down. Give your partner a chance and communicate often. I am open with my wife, good and bad. But I did have flings before I met her. I was honest with her about it. Not saying I was right to do so, but I had reasons voiced those reasons and someone lese met those needs. I regret what I did. It also took me years to realize that the grass is not greener on the otherside. I hit a point where being transparent was my best. Hope this helps.
I’d end it. After being cheated on by multiple partners w this history, it is now a dealbreaker for me. MOST of the time (not always) once people cheat, it seems to become a pattern.
Bro.
You just got a torpedo. Forget red flags, this is a torpedo.
Abandon ship!
I mean there’s not enough info here for me to definitively say much, but I can tell you this.
I used to be a huge royal piece of shit. Hardcore. Like, the worst. Cheating all the time with very little exception and zero shits to give.
And I changed. A switch flipped one day, and I understood the gravity of what I was doing and who I’d become. It was like I had a huge ick for me – in my relationship with me – and something just, changed.
I haven’t so much as thought that way in years now. Not even close.
This is a prelude to her cheating on you. When she does, the narrative will be that she’s already told you she’s “addicted” to cheating and that a “relapse” just happened, and you are expected to be kind and understanding.
You probably already know that she should no longer be your girlfriend, but you came here hoping someone told you it was okay. It is not.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It’s not a 100% accurate predictor. But it is the best predictor. People can change with determination and hard work.
Something that some of the more naive people here don’t realize is that serial cheating is not an isolated behavior like drug addiction or eating unhealthy. It requires being comfortable with deception and manipulation. It requires an enjoyment of activities that can hurt their partner. It requires a lack of empathy or guilt. It requires practiced seduction. This whole collection of “skills” get honed over time. The first time they cheated they were probably sloppy about it and got caught. The more they practiced, the better they got at it.
The majority of people would not be capable of cheating repeatedly without getting caught, nor would they be capable of enjoying it. It is one of the most profoundly painful betrayals a person can do to their partner. Feeling no remorse for it is the most chilling part. I would be shocked if she had not displayed a lack of empathy in other contexts.
By all means, discuss it with her if you want to understand it better. But in order for her to never cheat again she will need to fundamentally alter several aspects of a personality which is extremely rare for people to do. Also very unlikely to happen outside of therapy or some other serious intervention. People who are serial cheaters don’t have a blueprint for healthy relationship. Stopping unhealthy behaviors is great but that doesn’t mean they suddenly know what healthy behaviors look like.
Something you’ll have to contend with for the rest of this relationship is the lurking doubt. It’s very much like being in a relationship with an addict except this addiction is much cheaper, more accessible, it easier to hide. It’s great that she’s gone a short period of time without cheating but what will she do when times get tough? What if you’re less available because you or your family have health problems? What if one of you has to travel for work? Life inevitably gets difficult sometimes and the best yardstick for how much you can trust someone is not how they behave when things are great. It’s how they behave when things are hard.
Sounds a lot like a borderline personality and there is a certain chance she tells you that this casually not to warn you upfront, but she tells you with that she already has cheated on you. It is a way of coping with bad feelings for this type of personality.
The fact that you suffer from trust issues a lot just fits the picture, cause you are the perfect match for that.
Be very careful!
just leave bro. please. lol.
Yes she could’ve changed, but the fact she was remorseless and then ”decided” it was a bad thing to do (rather than feeling actual remorse) makes me think she’s not a very good person. Having empathy is crucial to relationships.
Not her stopping because it wasn’t good for HER…..red flag red flag red flag
Run
To add a comment contrary to most of the comments here, my gf and I few years back admitted that she cheated on most of her ex boyfriends. She said basically it was because she wasn’t in love with any of them. We’ve been married 20+ years now and I trust her implicitly, as I always have.
Yeahhhhhh my ex said basically the same,he turned out to be a sociopathic narcissist and a malignant one at that. Definitely was cheating emotionally, probably physically, he went crazy when i confronted him, tried to make it sound like i was the crazy one for confronting him, oh look whose in a relationship two weeks after our breakup…… K…. I would tread really fuckin carefully here. My ex isn’t remorseful at all. Still plays the victim.
people grow and change
Immediate breakup
Maybe ask her if she was ever dishonest with her previous partners. Because if her answer is no, then maybe, she’s trying to be vulnerable with you to allow you some trust in the relationship and save you from any random confrontations if you ever run into one of her past partners.
i wouldn’t be able to date anyone who had a history of cheating, it didn’t go so well for me last time i gave them the benefit of the doubt
It’s been 8 months. She’s probably cheated on you by now.
Fuck that, run fast and far. She will cheat on you if she hasn’t already. I’m sorry to say but people don’t change.
8 months is nothing and you now know what batshit crazy things she is capable of doing. Cheating is the worst thing anyone could do in a relationship. It’s a conscious decision to forget your significant other and betray them.
Once a cheater always a cheater. I will be cautious if this bugs you mate move on. She is casual about it which seems not respecting you. You are young man of 38 you will find your better half stop dragging yourself. She belongs to the street😎
Get out whilst you still can.