Last night at dinner, my wife and I were talking just normal conversation, and somehow during the conversation my wife asked me if I was going to ever be get tired of her because she has dark skin, we are a mixed race marriage, her from Puerto Rico and me a standard white guy.
I don’t remember exact wording I’m sorry, but summed up is she was saying because my fantasy list for movie stars is Scarlet Johansson, Gal Gadot, and Natalie Portman, that she’s having anxiety that I will get bored of her or leave her because no one in my list has dark skin.
As my wife is really, really insecure about me talking about other women, even celebrities, I didn’t really say much, I told her I loved her and that I picked who I picked based on celebrities I’ve seen to this point. She said that doesn’t mean to go start searching for ladies on my phone. Then she asked if I had dated or been with other women with dark skin, I told her I had, she asked if they were as dark as her, I could tell by her facial expressions she was getting upset at this point then she asked if I was thinking on them now, I told her yeah because you asked me about them.
At this point I was very confused and hurt that she was thinking stuff like that about me, as well as I was starting to have flash backs to early in our relationship where she would start to get abusive and mean because of talking about other women. So i told her we should stop talking about this because i can tell your getting upset and this is probably not going to end well and i don’t want to argue until midnight.
She left and is acting like the conversation never happened and i can’t get it off my mind?
15 comments
My advice is if you really love her and think she is beautiful, just say it all the time.
That was one lesson learned in my past marriage. I used to think my wife was beautiful, but never said it much. I should of said it when ever I thought of it.
The good news is my new gf hears it all the time. I just don’t say it to say it. I really believe it too. She thinks she is just average, I really see a beautiful diamond.
Good luck bud
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Why do you talk about other women bro? Rookie mistake. It serves zero purpose and you look like a douche.
Does she not understand that your list is exactly the same as just about every guy out there? Except you left out Margot Robbie.
Can you please say more about her being “abusive and mean” early on? Because I have a *lot* of thoughts about the rest of what you wrote, but that right there is concerning and nothing else I think really matters in an abuse scenario.
Your wife needs therapy. She set you up in a lose-lose situation. She literally asked you about the women you used to date, then got mad at you because you thought about the women you used to date. Adding into that her abusive history, I’m concerned for your marriage.
What’s the point of discussing a list? What purpose does it serve for her to know who you think is attractive? It doesn’t matter. Stop talking about other women and focus on your wife. Tell her she’s beautiful and make sure she believes you.
Does she think you’d leave her for a super hero? Seems you are really just attracted to how they characterize women in superhero movies/comics not their skin.
Your wife is dealing with insecurities. She needs to have a reassuring conversation. Not one about your celebrity crushes. You really missed the mark here. She should have been the only thing on your mind, what you love about her, why you love her, how you love her… that’s what she needed to hear.
I feel bad for you. This is an example of when to be dishonest and just tell her what she wants to hear. In reality she is really insecure, and illogical, there are a ton of sexy dark skinned people I.e Naomi Campbell, Rhiana, etc.
You need to reassure her by affirming her beauty as a darker skinned woman. Is she the first dark skinned woman you’ve dated? She might feel like she’s not your physical type and may have an inferiority complex about her skin. I speak as a black caribbean woman myself, dark skin is not celebrated in a lot of latino/Caribbean cultures and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has been compared to lighter women or felt she had to have light/white skin to be beautiful.
Reaffirm her beauty – maybe write her a letter expressing how you feel about her.
I read through all the comments before responding. Hearing more about her abusiveness, I think that if she’s not willing to go to therapy to deal with her insecurities and taking it out on you, that you should consider finding someone else.
It’ll be a self fulfilling prophecy on her part, but, hey, you don’t have to be with someone like that anymore.
But I do have to say I’d never give my wife a list of fantasy movie stars. It’s kinda immature.
She’s super insecure bro. I’m guessing she’s an absolute smokeshow because the hottest women tend to be the most insecure. Don’t overthink it on your end, just constantly tell her you love her, her dark skin, and that you finally found the perfect woman when you met her. You’ve got a fiery Latina, your gonna get singed now and then, take it in stride, laugh off her suggestions that you’d ever want anything besides her and don’t dwell on it in your own head.
She’s extremely insecure and, from your comments, abusive. This is not a healthy marriage, OP. She needs therapy. And you probably do too to learn how to set and keep boundaries and remove yourself from an unhealthy situation.
How old are you? Who talks about celebrities