I (32M) started seeing a woman (31F) a couple months ago. We are long distance and meet every few weeks.
Every time we meet, we indulge in heavy make outs and sex. She feels very intimate with me and we have a very deep emotional connection. However, since she is recently divorced, she wants to take things slow and have been talking to other guys too (nothing physical yet).
I feel like I’m able to build a solid connection with her and feel confident that it will eventually work out. However, the thing that bothers me is, sometimes she spends hours talking to her friend (May be a different friend each time) at nights. During those times, she wouldn’t pick my calls, but would respond later with a reason of talking with friend and good night text.
Should I really ask her who she talks to and who her friends are? Would that look too insecure of me? How to approach this in a mature way?
TL;DR – is it appropriate to ask the woman I’m having sex with about who she talks to at nights sometimes?
9 comments
I don’t think it’s wrong to ask general questions about her friends and her social life, but I don’t think you really need an accounting of how exactly she is spending her time.
>she is recently divorced, she wants to take things slow and have been talking to other guys too
>Should I really ask her who she talks to and who her friends are? Would that look too insecure of me? How to approach this in a mature way?
She told you upfront that she’s recently divorced and wants to explore herself. No, you shouldn’t ask her who’s she’s talking to. It would look very insecure. The mature thing to do is try your hardest to give her the space she needs to figure herself out. If she was married a long time and/or it was very toxic. She needs time to breathe and live and make her own choices. If it bothers you that much maybe think about taking a step back until she’s ready for a relationship. Right now she’s still healing and wants to have fun.
As part of getting to know her better you could certainly ask generally about what her friends are like – hopefully they’ll be part of your life too, one day, if you continue to get closer. But no, you shouldn’t specifically ask who she’s talking to at any given time, or ask that she pick up your calls when she’s already talking to a friend.
If you’d like to be talking more than you are, say that, and ask about setting up a regular call night or scheduling some calls in advance – but keep it about you two and your connection, not about her friends.
Strange your *ick hasn’t satisfied her need for regular human interaction. No you don’t get invasive. She’s told you where your at relationship wise and having friends is normal.
Either accept her as she is or walk. Divorced people have zero tolerance for controlling behaviors. After some time has passed and you two are better off than great. But it’s way too early.
Wait, the woman you’re casually involved with isn’t spending all her attention on you? Definitely interrogate her on who she’s calling and how she’s spending her time. Women love that.
Probably not appropriate no. You aren’t exclusive, so you shouldn’t be shocked that a recent divorcee is talking to a few different guys. Would you want her to interrupt a conversation she’s having with you to interact with these other guys? Then why would you expect her to interrupt her conversation with them to interact with you?
If you’re wanting something more serious, you can broach the topic of dating and exclusivity, but be prepared for her to not be ready (depending on how much she’s still dealing with feelings from the divorce).
But so long as things are casual and non-exclusive, no, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask who she’s talking to since you have no “claim” over her. At least, no more claim than these other men.
You’re uncomfortable because she has friends she talks to? Jesus Christ dude.
It sounds as if you two are at different stages in life.
She is recovering and trying to get where you are so she can seriously date again. You are trying to find someone to seriously date and get to where she just came from, but with a better result. Depending on your personality and patience, this can either be good long term or can be a fiery crash.
If you are patient and not too judgemental, sure she is into you as much as you into her, it might work out. You might also might have to accept the fact she could be, and might be now, physical with another person(s) and not disclosing it to you because she wants to “test the waters” and not rush into anything. Her saying she wants to go slow and not rush up front is probably a good indicator that she is probably dating multiple people to make sure she chooses one that doesn’t end up like her marriage. If you are overbearing and pry too much, it would probably result in your relationship with her taking a turn for the worse.
If this isn’t the way you want to start a relationship or you want more than she does, it’s probably time to start working towards your exit. I’m not judging you as she is not in a good spot and personally for me, wouldn’t be a situation I’d feel comfortable with. Call it what you want, but she is on the rebound, damaged, or not ready to be serious right now. If anything gets rushed, she could really resent it long term. Tread carefully at the minimum.
You could have the ultimate compatability, but timing is everything.