Sexual expectations for the first date

24 comments

1. You were right to cancel. The fact that he avoided any kind of sexual flirting right up until date day makes me think he was counting on you feeling too awkward to reject him, while still passing himself off as “decent” because (in his head) “at least I was up front before the date”

   It’s manipulative behavior. Bullet dodged.

2. You were Absolutely Right to Cancel. Find someone better.

3. Ridiculous

4. Absolutely cancel.

   This happened to me Sunday. Met someone in real life! Texting seemed okay, a little on the sexual side. I made it clear I wanted a relationship, and wanted to go on dates etc, which he said he wanted the same.

   Sunday arrives, I’m ready to meet around midday for a coffee and he messages “hi, I was out all night and I’m super hungover, come over to mine”
   And there we have it folks. The classic “sex invitation”

5. I think as a woman something that’s been helpful, and important for me is a sort of two sided approach to dating:

   1. If a man wants casual, or expresses he does, or maybe I do with them for a variety of reasons (such as chemistry / attraction, but maybe not someone I’d want to be with in a serious way) I’m super clear about that, I might go for a drink, but broadly that is a situation about having sex. If I want to, I do, if I don’t or I’m uncomfortable I don’t. And I won’t and don’t apologise for that anymore or worry about them as long as I’m respectful and polite when I turn it down. The other important thing about this, is don’t give gf benefits to a man who isn’t your bf, don’t let them stay if it’s at yours / don’t stay at theirs, don’t text a lot and don’t see them again unless you KNOW you won’t catch feelings, or there’s a two sided discussion that maybe it’s not casual. As I’ve gotten older my rule of thumb for casual is that they have to be hot (to me) and we need chemistry, but I can’t like them, or think I could. Because I’m asking to get hurt.

   2. If you’re looking to date seriously, you can have sex whenever you want, but a man who’s taking you seriously wouldn’t present it in the way you’ve mentioned. If you’re really into each other and get caught up in the moment etc, there’s no specific rule, but a man taking you seriously won’t act like he’s only taking you out as it’s a requirement for him to get between your legs. You should never feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to.

   Sending love. I know it’s hard out here.

6. What a loser lol. You have such a good point about the safe and comfortable part. So the fact that he sprung that on you at the last minute totally justifies you cancelling. Now you can have a nice evening doing what you wanna do instead of wasting your time or energy on this guy

7. I’m a guy and I keep expectations extremely low. We can go a year without sex, I don’t care.

   I’ve been so hands-off when it comes to sex, that, after a few dates, it is always the girl who tries to initiate sexual contact, not me. It’s not that I lack a sex drive. Im young and virile but I contain myself because I don’t feel like dealing with the headaches that may come next.

   Girls tend to blame guys for their own sexual decisions and I refuse to be the scapegoat. “Oh well he made me feel pressured to do it.” NOPE! No I didn’t! I didn’t do anything to you! I kept my hands to myself!

   I don’t like the awkward conversations that comes next the day after sex. A lot of girls just start acting wierd. It’s a huge drag. Rarely is it chill…They get really clingy or they feel guilty because they gave it up too easy. Then they try and transfer their own guilt to the guy. No thanks.

   I just wait for her to make the first move. If she doesn’t oh well. I’m fine. I’d rather wait till marriage at this point anyway. At least then, we both are 100% sure that we want each other. I’m so over getting laid 🙄

8. Definitely would’ve cancelled.

   Keep hunting, hon. There are some sincerely good people out there. My bf doesn’t give a heck about sex. I can’t even say “he was happy to wait” cause there wasn’t a discussion about it until I brought it up and told him I wanted to get more physical. Im confident if I told him I didn’t want to again, he’d love me no less 🥰

9. Hell no I wouldn’t go.

   First dates are to find out if you want a second date.

   If people want to have casual sex then great. They can decide if that includes dinner first or not.

   But there is no standard that says anything sexual has to happen at all on a first second fifth or twelfth date.

   Do what you are comfortable with and don’t let anyone pressure you into anything.

10. That’s gross I’m happy you cancelled

11. This is totally unacceptable. I have no problem with people having sex on the first date if it’s clear both are having a good time, there is compatibility and it’s wanted on both sides. How can he know any of this without having been on the early part of the date? He’s also saying he wants it without any idea of whether you do. There is a case that you don’t have to know the answer is a guaranteed yes to ask the question but you should have a good feeling that it’s probably a yes to ask the question. He’s got no clue about any of that. I don’t see why he didn’t just have a normal date and see how you both felt at the end.

12. I would have cancelled, too. What a dummy- bet he doesn’t try that approach again.

13. Back when I was dating a few years ago, I was always up front that I don’t have sex outside of committed relationships.

    Which seemed to then be taken as a challenge.

14. I don’t even allow kissing on the first day, I would be out so fast if there was a hint of something sexual. He just wanted to use you so don’t regret canceling.

15. You were right to cancel & best to block him.

    Next time you can mess with him a bit before blocking and say something like “Can’t wait to bite it off.”

16. Well I don’t want casual sex so I would bail the moment he told me he did.

    If I knew it was a hookup then I would WANT a sex discussion first. No point wasting time on someone I don’t align with sexually.

17. Yeah that’s cringe I mean you don’t even know how the date is going to go and I would feel uncomfortable

18. Cancel

19. Look, I am not from USA but i feel women in America had been brainwashed by men to do hook ups, and sex on first date. It’s really disgusting, and i am so sorry that so many women agreed to be devalued only to their proverbial holes.

    You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either we all women collectively close our legs and demand to be treated much better before we put out or its gonna get worse. There is a reason around 50% of women USA by 2030, are going to be singe.

20. Sounds like a guy with many options. He didn’t want to waste his time, so he tested the waters. He found out what he wanted and is on to the next one.

21. I’m a man myself and I would cancel if I were meeting someone for the first time and the expectations is for something to definitely happen at the end. Even if it is casual, I’d like to know the person first a bit… What if they’re one of these organ harvesters the internet keeps talking about…

22. I would cancel. I stopped having sex with men on the first night in my early 20s.

23. 100% would cancel. I’ve never been someone that just wanted casual but even if I did, for a guy to expect that the first time we meet is an absolute turn off. Even if both parties are looking for just casual fun, it’s never guaranteed it’ll just happen the first time we meet. Both parties need to be comfortable and willing for that to happen, and that may or may not happen right away.

    Not to mention he wasn’t upfront about it and wasted your time. You were right to cancel.

24. He made it clear he was just looking for a hookup and was only going through the process of pretending it was a date in order to get in your pants

    At least he came clean before the date

    You made the right call moving on.

    *I get it we’re all single and horny but is it really that hard to keep it in your pants long enough to know if you like someone or even just as simple to make sure the other person at least feels safe and comfortable?*

    He wasn’t interested in making you feel safe and comfortable.

    He only wanted sex