So basically up to a month ago I was living with my parents for undergraduate studies at a college near my home. Because of my lack of socialization that was kind of making me feel low, I decided to move to the capital of my country for graduate studies. I found online a room that was for rent, near the college, with 11 roommates (3 girls 8 boys). Even if it was really expensive, I instantly chose this one because in my head it would be a great introduction to this new city, with these new people.
Long story short, we get on “well”, but the thing is that they’ve known each other for years because they all were in high school together (all 11 of them). So there wasn’t like a “get to know everyone” week or even day. They were like “oh you’re the new guy” and just went on with their stuff. Sometimes I eat with them and sometimes I just grab lunch outside. They’ve been using this Wii in the living room for 3 years, so I brought my Nintendo Switch and bought a couple of multiplayer games to enjoy together (even though I usually mostly play single player games). They party most of the nights in the apartment and bring other people, honestly it doesn’t bother me because I have a sound reduction headphone so I hear almost nothing. I partied a bit, it’s cool, but told them that I won’t be able to do that everyday, because school mostly, and like I just like having private “not-drunk” times.
Last week when a bunch of us were in the living room, they were talking about going on a weekend at a house they would rent. It was mostly a discussion between them and I just listened, and one guy asked me if I wanted to join. I said yeah of course it would be great. The week goes by and they talk about it sometimes. This Friday, my last class finished at 4 PM, then I went back to the apartment. Nobody was there. I thought they must still have classes, I’ll use the time remaining to see if I didn’t forget anything in my suitcase I packed for the weekend. The hours goes by, and then I saw texts and pictures in the group chat being sent, which were mostly about them at the house, taking selfies. I sat for a couple of minutes on my bed, then I muted the notifications of the group chat, unpacked my stuff and went to bed.
I spent the weekend doing my stuff, walking in the park near, and studying a bit. I think they will be back today at midnight. I really don’t know how to act with them regarding this for the days coming. It’s not like I’m deeply heartbroken, it has only been three weeks since college started, they’re not my best friends, but I just feel a bit sad. “Hey, how was your weekend you asked me to join but in the end decided to just leave without me and barely noticing it ?”
Just needed to write that somewhere.
18 comments
He asked if you wanted to join, I don’t think it was an invitation. However the roommate that asked you will be your in, he likes you and probably presented the idea to the group. Play it cool and be friend with him. When they come back just mentioned what you did over the weekend.
It’s almost impossible to join or be part of a group like that because they have so much history. More often you’ll feel excluded even when you’re in the room with them. You can try to bond with them individually based on mutual interests and see if you can find a way in. But more effective solution to socializing would be to make multiple smaller friend circles.
So do your own thing
I do want to commend you for even doing this in the first place. Joining a house with 11 friends? Putting yourself out there? That’s tough.
It was on you after that invitation to follow up on where and when you’d be leaving and what you would need to bring. It’s difficult to just join in on a group of 11 people with that much history, a lot of the time they won’t go out of their way to pull you along.
You’ve only known them for 3 weeks. It’s too early to try and go to a vacation with them. Give it a few more months. Hang out with them when they are at the house, ask questions about their history as friends “what high school did you guys go to?” “How did the friendship begin with so many people?” “What’s the funniest story that happened to y’all as a group?”.
Asking questions not only lets you get a peak into their history as friends but also allows you to integrate into the group, gets them taking to you and vice Versa. Everyone likes talking about what they like, their life, themselves and their friendships. Is no different in a group, plus, getting them to tell you their story relives their past and I bet they would be happy to retell some funny stories.
FWIW I think you handled it really well and you sound pretty cool. Focus on finding your own core group of friends outside of the 11 but still be a friendly, chill roommate and do the occasional hang out with the 11 from time to time. They’ll be more likely to include you if they think of you as someone who has your own thing going on and isn’t clinging to them (not that you are now)
I commend you for putting yourself out there! Making the effort will make all of the different. I want to remind you that this is a journey, not a destination. And everything is a learning lesson. Maybe this feels like a setback, but remember that at least you’ve attempted and gotten this far.
As far as how I would react if I were in this situation. If I wanted to get answers, my advice would be to talk to the person who you believe invited you in private. I would play it very cool. No blame, no shame, and don’t make it seem like your heartbroken or anything. Just say something like, “Yo [Person]! How was the trip??? It looked like a ton of fun! I’m bummed I couldn’t make it!” let them answer that how they will, and then just casually drop a “Next time, I would love to attend, if there’s space!” And just leave it at that.
If I could go back in time in your shoes, I would have made the extra effort to know specifics about timings (“Hey what time is everything kicking off? Is there an itinerary of stuff we’ll be doing?”), confirmations of invitations (“I’m stoked to go, but I really don’t want to intrude! You sure it’s cool that I still go?”), and what to bring to be an asset to the trip (“Can I bring some alcohol? Can I run to the grocery store and get some food for the first night?”).
The big picture advice I would give is not to put all of your eggs into one basket. Find additional groups to integrate into, find individual people to integrate into, and follow your own passions/hobbies to find people. Use meet-up services, push your boundaries, create social hobbies, and just keep putting yourself out there!
You should be proud of yourself thought–seriously! Not everyone would have the balls to do what you did, and even if it didn’t work out this time, if you keep at it, you can make it happen!
I dont think this is a big deal. Ur the newcomer into a huge friend group. They probably wanted a weekend to themselves as a group. I wouldnt act weird or sad bc its been only 3 weeks or else you’d look needy.
When they come back, i would honestly just ask them how it was and forget they even mentioned anything to u. Play it cool. If they were like “dude u should have came…” just say “yah next time, It sounds like u guys had a blast”
Guys are such dooshes. I’m sorry.. I can imagine how this feels. But yeah, when they come back just ask them how it went and play it cool don’t even bring up the fact that they invited you. They probably don’t even remember and no one’s used to asking where you are… so just play it cool and act like they never even asked but still seem interested. And move forward from there maybe even mention “damn next time i wanna go!” They might remember they invited you at that point and you’ll seem light hearted and like you have a good sense of humor
Sometimes you just need to be direct. When they get home. Just say, thanks for waiting for me.
You’ve been here for less than a month, don’t worrie about it
I think perhaps next time you want to be included make sure it’s known by everyone. I’m sure they didn’t leave you out on purpose, but nonetheless you have every right to feel sad. It’s never fun feeling like the odd man out.
And I know people will comment on it already, but eleven people? I know it’s not the focus of the post, but that sounds exhausting. You must be some kind of stoic Jesus if you can live with 11 drunk college students!
Next time, you may want to ask more questions to avoid living with a friend group like that. It’s a bit impulsive, and you said it was expensive as well. So I’m not really sure what the allure was.
Based on your comments you didn’t follow up, it was on you to inquire the details as they may have assumed you accepted the offer on the basis of being nice infront of everyone but not actually wanting or being able to go hence why they didnt push it its also your job as the new commer to ask and not theirs
You have to act it out cool. Just ask how their trip was and nothing more. Don’t put out a request asking them to take you next time.
> I said yeah of course it would be great. The week goes by and they talk about it sometimes. This Friday, my last class finished at 4 PM, then I went back to the apartment. Nobody was there.
You didn’t follow up, didn’t show continued interest or commitment by asking the cost for accommodation, gas, meals, **or when they would be leaving**.
I see you posted this a few times. OP, you have what you need. No one forgot you, no one excluded you, you learned a disappointing lesson: it’s on you to proactively follow up
Whoa 😳! ELEVEN roommates!?!
Sounds like some miscommunication. Did you mention it again closer to the trip or get any details? I don’t think it was intentional to exclude you.